July 2005

Copyright 2005 by Charles Henry

Well woss fink ? . . . Affrika needs yer money. . deym aw starvin. . . . das cos dey feevin gits in guverment over dere stashes aw da money in swiss banks. . meeself I reccon dey wus bet’er off wen we ad da Empire an da King rooled um aw . . .

Dey up Glastonbre Festivul got washed out agen. . daft sods. . youd a fawt deyd uv lernt by now ! . . ar anty Lils bloke aways ses. . . if da cows is lying down . . it’s gonna bleedin rain ! . . . . lyin down ! . . . lyin down ! . . . LYIN DOWN ! . . . . DEY COULDN’T EEVIN GET UM TA CUM OUT UV DA BLEEDIN COW SHED ! . . LET ALONE GO AN AV A LIE DOWN ! . .

Me bruvver went. . . ‘ee cum back wiv mud feever an ee wer wearin’ sum awd ladies pyjamas ! . . DON’T AST I ! . . . . Ee ‘ates me ya no ! . . Wen we wus kids ‘ee yoosed ta put gert spiders an’ grantfers in me wellies. . . . I see Poor old Tim ‘Enman went an got blowd away agen up Wimbledon . . . an dat new Scotch git nerly stuffed da Argy. . .

Wot wiv Global Warmin’. . . Identity Cards. . . Speed Camras. . . an da Cowncil Tax rises next yer. . I’n finkin uv emmegratin’ ! . . . By da time we as ta pay fer da Channel Tunnel. . den dat gert Jumbo Plane . . den da 2012 ‘limpics an nen twenty billion quid fer Identity Cards ! . . . Dees might as well give up now an go an live in Ouwter Mongolia. . . . Diss beggin’ lark aint no good no more niver. . . most uv dey goin by is werss off dan I now ! . . . in fact I giv diss ‘legal immigrunt kiddo a quid ta go an buy a street map so’s ee could find is way ta da social offices ! . . Ah I nos . . . . too kind ‘arted by aff das me !

Any’ow iss startin’ ta bleedin’ rain agen. . . I’n off !

June 2005

Copyright 2005 by Charles Henry

Well cookoos changes dere tune in da middaw uv bleedin June. . . . Dey on telly changes it a week after da bleedin ‘lection. . . . no more boom an’ bust. . evryfings rosy. . but now da troof is out.. . ‘Prudence’ Brown aint so prudent affter aw !. . . . Dey french gits uv tawd Yorup ta shuv it. . . so now dey ownt let us vote ! . I reccon dey ought ta string da buggers up like dey did in da French Revalooshun. . Corse deys started agen already ant dey. . . makin excuses an’ sayin’ dey wot voted ‘no’ didn’t understand an’ it wer only dey wot voted ‘yes’ oo nos wot good fer da rest uv us. . . .You couldn’t make it up ! . If dey carries on treetin’ us aw like weem aw stupid. . deres gonna be reel trubble you wait an see. . Ar anty Lils bloke reccons peeples just abowt ad enuff uv dat brussels lot. . iss like da IRA. . DEYS BIN RUMBLED. .

Me bruvver’s bin tryin’ ta get a job settin up camps fer travlers. . I tawd un before. . dey aint bleedin’ travellers. . deym ‘STAY STILLS’. . deym like plants in flowerpots. . . DEY NEEDS SUMMUT UNDER UM. . er dey makes a bloody mess fer sum bugger else ta clear up. . . Ee ‘ates me ya no. . . wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta make I hold ‘is Gob Stopper while he went ta da toilet. . . DON’T AST I ! . . I never fownd out WHY niver ! . . still I ‘ad un in da end dint I . . . I’d let da neybers dog lick it. . .

Tory party’s gettin a new leader dey reccon. . can’t see da point meeself. . . Ar muvver ull never vote for um oo ever dey ‘as. . . she jest wants some uvver stupiud pratt ta keep er in ciggies an pay er rent. . das why I’n out yer in aw wevvers innit ! . . Ar anty lils bloke reccons deyll vote fer a monkey until dey runs out uv credit cards. . ee ses da Tories ownt get back in ’till it’s time ta clear up aw da bleedin mess agen. . .

Any ‘ow I’n finkin uv takin’ a cut in me money un getin’ a job! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Ah well, das enuff uv aw dat. . . I fawt abowt it agen dint I. . . See ya. .

May 2005

Copyright 2005 by Charles Henry

Well sod it. . . I ain’t votin’ now ! . . . I wer gonna vote fer da Ravin’ Looney Partee. . BUT GUESS WOT ? . . . Dere gonna bring in a

99 pee Coin ! . . Uv you ever ‘erd anyfing so bloody daft ?

. . . Wot bloody good’s dat ta I ! . . No bugger ul av no change will dey ! . . By da way . . . Don’t ferget ! . . . . A vote fer da LIB-DEMS ull let da laber partee in by da back door. . . er is it da Tories ?. . . I dunno ! . . deym aw da same ta I . . Cept da TORIES own’t let dey French Gits rool us. . . Ar anty Lil awways voted fer MAGGIE ! . . Till dey Yorup gits nifed ‘er.

Any ow, . I’ll cum back after May da fiff I fink and see if Tony conned evry bugger agen.

Well dass it Tony uv ad ‘is corns cut. We just as ta ‘ope Gordy don’t make da cuntry go bankrupt.

Yer woss a ‘Lib -Dem’ then?. . Iss a Ego wiv a Superiority Complex.

April 2005

Copyright 2005 by Charles Henry

Stroof It’s blinkin April ! . . Ar muvvers been washin aw da finger marks off ‘er lace curtins. . Aw da politishuns er lyin like dere’s no tamorra. . An Gordin is ‘opin da voters ant realised eev bin steelin from um fer yers. . Jerry adams is abowt ta get a shamrock stuck in is lyin teeth cos George Dubya uv tawd un “eever disband yer privut army er I’n gonna turn you inta a unuck.” . . Wot ee meens is, if da moufy git dont stop tawkin double speek an lyin like ees Tony Blare. . . ees gonna turn they women loose on un wiv a carvin nife. . . Dat ul be a good days work.

Sure enuff deym findin dat dey wot smokes pot is aw goin off dere bleedin eds. Corse aw dey labor luvvies is blamin it aw on David Blunkett cos dey don’t wont un back. . . Gordy uv convinced aff da world dat we can aw get rich by borrerin money an bilding owses an rentin’ um aw out. . . Wot ee ant tawd um is dat in da end dere ownt be no bugger left ta pay um any rent.

Da tories uv ad ta sack sum git fer moufin off. You’d fink dey ad a deff wish sum of um. Still by da time da pensioners uv voted, an aw dey wots pissed off abowt dey Irish travlers wot don’t pay no tax, an nen buys a bleedin field an’ sets up ‘ome, . . Tony might be wishin ‘is bleedin nose ant grown sa long. . . Did you know dere’s only four million uv dey in aw Ireland. I don’t no why dey don’t bleedin stay dere. . . Nowhere ta go feevin I spose.

Dey keeps tellin aw we global warmin is comin, an so we can’t drive ar bleedin’ cars. . Nen da first sunny weekend deym aw off flyin round da world ! One rool fer aw dey an anuvver fer us. Do as I say not as I do.

Yer I erd dat coffi annan bloke av been avin trubble wiv is spratt. . . As soon as deres any freebies goin thyem aw at it noses in da troff. . . I still wonts ta no ware aw da money went wot we sent out fer dey soonami victims. . . evry time you switches on da tele deres still undreds uv da poor sods livin under a plank a wood. Criky, dey should awl av a bleedin mobile ‘ome by now !

Big bruvver is stickin is bleedin cameras evry where you looks. . Dey ownt be appy til weem aw tagged like sheep. . . You’ll av ta put yer ‘and up wen you wonts ta go ta da toilet soon I spec, . . jest like wen we wus ut scaw !

Jamie Oliver is tellin’ Tony wot da kids uv aways nown, . . scawl dinners is crap. . . oo scrapped damestic siance any ‘ow ! . . Well we tawd um . . . Grange ‘ill wer da start uv it. . . an now we got a nation uv degeneruts growin’ up. . oo da ell’s gonna look after aw we wen weem awd. . Gawd only knows.

Any ‘ow I’ll get back yer later wen Tony have annownced da ‘lection.

Well is aw appenin now. . . but av you noticed no buggers tawkin abowt Yorup ! . Nor nuffin abowt da Clarks workers oos lost der jobs . . nor dey 6000 Rover workers.

March 2005

Copyright 2005 by Charles Henry

Ow do. . Well deys aw started slaggin eech uvver off agen . . but Tony reccons ee avn’t decided on May da 5th. yet. . trubble is sum one fergot ta tell un ! . . . Cos Alister Av ! . . No mor tally ‘o ‘untin niver . . aw dey vishous crimnals ad ta be stopped . . an Tony dun it . . no messin !. . . . muggers, drug adics, car feeves, berglers, rapists, an aw da werlds scroungers wot cums yer . . . . deym aw laffin’ ! . . . . but not dey cuntry people wot fed us aw during da war. . . eev stuffed aw dey buggers ! . . . but av ee ? . weel aw av ta wait un see I reccon !

Ken Livinstun ave bin insulting aw da jews. Ees anuvver prat wot finks ees Gods gift. . . I don’t no wot aw dese lefty fanatics uv bin takin, but if sumwun don’t urry up un break a few legs, an stick um back in dere boxes, da silent majority ul av ta stick wun on un permnunt. . . Ever since Tony started walkin on water, . . . well you nose wot I meems, . . . weev ad da IRA finkin dey wos aw licenced ta do wotever dey blinkin likes. . . . includin robbin banks an steelin ar muney ta boost dere penshun funds. . . Dat bearded Git Gerry’atric keeps pretendin wees aw ert is feelings cos we don’t trust un. . . Well we don’t do we ? . . I oudn’t trust un wiv is grannys peshun book !

Da limpics 2012. . . Das da next big crony pay day. . oops, nope, I’n rong dere. . It’s a day we must aw look forward to an watch in amazment as we aw pays fer dey lundun gits ta aw av wunderful fussilitees(stadiums an swimin bavs an aw dat) wen we can’t eeven av da baff spa dun proper !

Ol Charlee boy an Cumilla er gonna tie da knot ut last. . . .only now theym goin down da registry office, cos if dey as it ut Windser, deyll av ta let aw da scrotes frum gawd nos ware do it dere an aw. Queen wernt to appy abowt it. . an oo can blame er! . Ut leest she ownt av ta worry abowt Charlee gettin ‘free squares’ a day no more. . You no ! . . proper food an dat ! . ut leest Cumilla ull now ‘ow ta make a bacon but’y not like da udder wun.

Yer! dass aw rite wot ol Michaw ‘Oward goona do if ee wins. . . Give aw da penshuners ‘alf price cowntsal tax ! . . Iss lucky I don’t pay nun. . . Ar mum do I fink. . well I spose she do any’ow. . . maybe she don’t ! . . Now me bruvvers left ome she aint got ‘is money eevin. . . Ee ates me ya no! . . Wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta nick money out ar mums purse ta buy stink bombs ta take ta scaw. . . da teechers ud aways blame I ! . . den deyed tell ar mum an I’d ged it wen I got ‘ome! . . An ee still wonts ta get on da cowncil ! . . da git.

Da Popes poorly. . I aint religus, but dey dat is er upset. . . strikes me if dey made religon illegaw deyed stop aff da bleedin trubble in da werld. . . deres aways sum git oo finks is god is bet’er dun sum uvver gits god. . Iss like Arsunall an Manunited wiv guns. . .deym aw a load a nut’ers !

Rugby’s up da creek an aw. . Wees bin stuffed by aw of um lately. . I shoont fancy diss lot’s chances against da Daggenham Gerls Quire(see you dint fink I cud spell it). . mine you a cupple a times we wus playing da ref an aw I reccon ! . . . Well iss bleedin cawd agen out yer smornin. . . if diss is da best global warmin can do I’n finkin abowt emigratin. I fink I’ll ast da bosses wife if she wants her front doin’. . might evin get a cuppa tee annaw.

“Errol ! . . have you finished out there, or are you just wasting time gossiping ? . If you want a cup of tea you had better hurry up. . I won’t keep telling you !". . oops . . I bet’er go an get a brush.

February 2005

Copyright 2005 by Charles Henry

Funny wedder ain’t it. . .Cawd, den windy, den wet. . . Dey poor sods up norff got drowned out din um. Corse it’s climit change ain’t it. . . I tawd ar anty lils bloke, ‘is van wer smokin like it wer a steem train, an if ee din’t ged it fixed it ould cawse problims ! . . . ‘ee don’t care. . . ‘ee reccons ee don’t fly nowhere, so ees owed a bit a pullushun. . . mine you, . ‘ee reccons it ownt mat’er a diddly sqwot wot we meesly 60 million doos. . . wen billions uv dey up china ull soon be livin’ it up like deres no tamorra. . . . Wos fink uv dat gert Yorup plane anyow ? . If dat bugger cums down over Lundon, . er anywers else fer dat mat’er. . . it’ll make a bloody mess I tell ee. . . . Same awd fing doe ain’t it. . Dey silly sods up Yorup jest wonts ta get wun over on dey yanks. . Meeself I reccon it’ll be like Concordski er da Baff Spa. . . Deyll go on spedin’ millions uv ar dosh. . aw jest ta prove deym bigger pratts dan we ferst fawt !

Gorge Dubya got castrated fer anuvver fore yers dint ee. . . Yer dat wer a bit drastic wernt it ?. . . I dint fink ee wer a Romun Cafflick ? . . . . blinkin eck! . . . see wot deyll aw do fer power ! . . Fer five minits dey aw stops slaggin un off but it’ll soon start agen. . . . Illery an Bill went along fer a few free beers deym planning ta av a second go, . . but meeself I fancies dat nice Congaleeta Rice (Dr. Condoleezza Rice). . . ders no flies on Georgy Boy deese no ! . . . shame abowt ‘is operation mine you. . .

Yer dist see dat scoch git wots in charge uv aw dey libdems ? . . . ‘is misse’s expecting a litlun. . . You’d fink it wer ‘ee avin’ it. . not ‘er ! . . . Tawk abowt michelin man ! . . Still ee finks wer aw gonna make ee pryminister. . sum ope. . . ‘Ees gettin mor like Humpty Dumpty. . . Id ravver av Bat Man. . .Wot we reely needs is da Terminater. . . Sumwun like ol Ray Mallin, ol zero tolerince is self. . . dese scrotes ‘as ta no deym gonna get sorted. . Dey as ta be more scared uv da law dan we is a dey. .

Wos fink uv aw dat ‘olacost stuff an’aw dat den ? . . dust no I never new ‘aff a dat. . . no bugger tawd I nuffink abowt aw dey merdrin gits wiv itler an aw dat wen I wer ut scaw ! . .an aw dey gas chambers an aw dat ! . . an aw dese bleedin’ librals still gets dere nikkers in twist over dat git Sadam ! . . . . aw dey wonts is a pleece state over yer wiv camras evry wer ! . . tawk abowt big bruvvers wachin you. . . das like wot it must uv bin like wiv Itler an aw ‘is bleedin SS gits. . . do uz yoom tawd er yoom ded meat me sunner! . . Me bruvver wer like dat wiv I wen we wus kids. . . ee ates me ya no ! . . I cawt un meazerin da milkmans toolbox on ‘is milkflowt wunce, ta see if ee could fit I in it. . . . I tel wot ! you don’t no nuffink !

Well any’ow I’n finkin a takin up golf er criket ! . . . yeh I am ! . . . I needs ta meet a bet’er class a peeple, er I’ll still be sat yer wen I’n awd. I wunder if dey allows dogs ? . Yer dus reccon we can stuff dey ozzi scrotes now an get back aw da bleedin sinders, er da ashes, er wot ever dey caws um ?

“Errol if you’ve got nothing to do, come and help me clear all this rubbish.” God, she’s off agen. I’d bedder go.

January 2005

Copyright by Charles Henry

Criky ! . . Crismus soon went din it ! . . ‘Appy nu yer ! . Goes dam quick don’t it ! . I dint get nuffink werf avin any ow. Me bruvver giv I a pair a lilac socks ar anty Lil giv un lass yer ! . . da tite git. . . An I reccon eed wored um ! . Still I ad un diss yer dint I. I giv ee a Pirut DVD uv ‘Luv Aw arownd’, I got down da market. . . Dredful it wer ! . . Sownd wernt no good an it ad flashes an big bloches wer aw da good bits wus. . Ee still ‘ates me ya no . .Wen we wus kids ee tawd aw da gerls I wer infecshus wiv warts cos I kep frogs ! . An I only ad a few bleedin tadpaws dint I ! . . dass aw !

Dat ‘feed da werld‘ song wer No. 1 fer Crismus. Twernt no good, da first un wer bet’er. Diss lot aw sownded like a load a asbins I fawt. BBC’s goin frum bad ta werse. Now deys evin lost da Cricket ta SKY. Wot we aw gonna wach now ? . A load a repeets uv David Jasins ‘Darlin buds uv May’ an never endin’ ‘match a da bleedin day’. No fank you, I’d ravver watch a icicle melt.

Ol Blunkett went. I tawd ee so, an da ‘owse markit’s startin’ ta wobble. . . Bosses wife reccons dey ad a lousey Crismus trade annaw. Werser dan wen dey ad dat las reseshun. She still tells I ya no ! I fink she wonted sum udvice frum a cunsoomer. I tawd er, ar anty Lils bloke reccons intrest rates er cumin down again now, an ee awt ta no. Ees a consoomer. Ee consoomes ‘leest eight pints evry Saterday nite !

Dat tidal wave wer a bad job wernit. Makes ee glad deec lives sumwer like England don’t it. Trubble is tovver alf da werlds population ul wan an cum an liv yer now. . . I dunno abowt no tidal wave ! . .but we shull blinkin sink if we as ta av no mor yer ! . . My bruvver reccons it’ll appen over yer if wun uv dey big lumps a rock er metorites crashes inta da ‘lantic oeshun . . . . Joo reccon ees mad ? . . I reccon ees a bleedin loonatic !

Guvermunts beginnin ta panic abowt da huntin ban now. Da lection aint far off. Dey wonts ta make crimnals uv af da popalashun ! . . Deym aw mentaw ! . .Un av you notissed, dey aw keeps dere mouves shut abowt Yorup! Deym not sayin nuffink abowd it, nun of um, cos dey nos weel aw tel um ta shuv it wer da monkey shuvs ‘is nuts. Wot wiv dat an aw dese travlers givin two fingers ta da planners, an den bildin’ undreds a camps every ware. . . . Peeple ownt pay dere taxes. . un oo cun blame um ? . . . I ‘ouldn’t eever !

Mr ‘owards gonna scrap capitaw ganes tax ee reccons, but I’n mor wurrid abowt ow much ar anty Lil ull leev I wen she kicks it. . . . Er if da sods ull take it aw like dey do wen yoom livin’. (so dey tells I). . I wer ‘opin ta get ‘er gardin shed !

I wer finkin uv moovin on diss yer, trubble is, nun uv me frends ull no wer I’n too! . . I wus opin ta get da job as da doorman if dey opens it up us a ‘otel er a club. I yoosed ta elp me bruvver wen we wus da bowncers down da church ‘all on bingo nites. Sum a dey awder gits cant ‘alf cut up ruff sum nites ! No wurry, . . I kin look after meeself. . . Me an Clint Eestwood uv got alot in common ya no.

“Errol, you’ve been here over an hour. I told you before, either do something useful or clear off!". . Ay ay, yep shees off agen, I’d bedder go!

December 2004

Copyright by Charles Henry

Ello evrybody, I spose dees fawt I’d died. . . No no nuffink so drastic. I lost me job dint I. Trade wernt much cop wot wiv dese new warden gits wot gets more wen dey makes dere quota. . . . Boss is gonna turn it inta a knockin shop er a greek cafe I fink. I still cums round yer fer a hour er two mose days. She don’t mind, I fink she’s still in luv wiv I, an’ so she uses me presance yer as a insentive fer er old man. You no, it makes un jellus!

Crismuss is nerly yer agen. It don’t ardly seem long since las yer. Can’t beleeve it ! Nuffink don’t reely change do it. . . ‘Olly, missaltoe, . . . tryin’ ta remember oo dees fergot ta send a card to las yer. Gettin’ da beer in is da bes bit. . . An I did fink abowt doin a bit uv carol singin’ agen, . . cept last time I tried it, I wer ‘af way frew ‘Wile sheperds wach dere flocks by nite, an’ some rotten git opened a upstairs window, chucked a bucket a wat’er over I, an tawd I ta bugger off ! Dat wernt very nice wer it!, . . speshly ut Crismus!

Yer its bin a queer time up Westminster lately an it. Da war’s bin goin badly fer Tony, da daft buggers dint make no plans fer after did dey. Mine you dere’s no ‘elpin sum peeple is dere. Dey dint find no WMD’s but dat don’t meen ee dint send um owt ta Iran do it. Any ow it’s to late now. I still can’t see ‘ow dey’d a dun it on der own, no ‘ow. Ar Anty Lil’s bloke reccons in a few yers time wen it aw settaws down, peeple a reelise twer da only way dey wus ever gonna get rid uv dat basket Sadam.

Yer wos fink abowt dey ID cards den ?. . .I aint ‘avin no bugger findin out my bruvvers a ‘alfwit or day’ll fink I’n wun annaw ! I can’t ‘elp it if ar muvvers first bloke buggered off afor dey ad I. . . Jest us well reely or I’d a bin us daft us ee ! . . . . Ee ‘ates me ya no. Wen we wus kids an we ad crackers. Ee used ta grab a bigger ‘andful wen we pulled ars. . nen wot ever dropped out on da floor eed av ferst pick, er eed tell ar muvver mine dint av nuffink! . . I must a lost ‘undreds ! . . . Wistles, dices, I even lost a plastic bike one yer! . . . . Wiv deese ID’S you ownt no oo da ell is checkin up on you. Could be da KGB wantin a forin body fer brain sergery er summat! . . . ‘Ows a blinking ID card gonna stop sum bugger robin’ a bank er blowin’ up parlament ? Wot dey gonna do ? . . fone da pleece an say “I’n gonna rob a bank tamorra,. . . joo wanna cum an see me Identaty Card? ” Anyow I reccon ol’ Blunkett ull be down da road any day. Ee even recconed Michael ‘Oward wer a bet’er ‘ome secretree dan ol Jacky Boy, da man a straw. Bit stupid biting da and wot feeds ee, speshly wen you can’t see wots on yer plate. . . Ee turned out ta be a bit uv a dark ‘orse dint ee! . . ah well see, sum uv us a jest god it ant we!

Well I’n off down da farmers market I fink, dey’ll probly give I a few ’seconds’ an nen tell I ta get on up da road. Dey don’t like no travlers ‘anging rownd to long, not dey. I’n ‘opin I cun find summut cheep fer me bruvver fer Crismus, a pigs trot’er er summut. Das da only trubble, I shull av ta see ee on Crismus day I spec.

“Errol, either do something useful or clear off!". . Yep I’d bet’er go.

February 2003

Copyright by Charles Henry

It’s a bit late I nos, but ‘appy Nu Yer awl on you out dere in Bristaws West End. . . An’ you wot don’t live yer, Fink yer selves lucky da bleedin council don’t ‘ate you like dey do we! . . Wevvers bin a bit funny aint it, . . first it wer damm cawd, den it wer wet and windy, den mild, . . and den bleedin cawd agen! . . global warmin I spose. . . Yer , it’s lucky I left scawl yers ago aint it, . . . or I’d a bin reely fick like me bruvver . . . Bristaw leads da world yet agen. It yoosed ta be slavery, now it’s ‘Bunkin’ Off ‘. . . Yep! . .Da kids is bunkin’ off Scool an’ da Council Workers is bunkin’ off on Sick Leave.

George Dubya’s got Tony right wer ee wants un, runnin’ round sayin’, “Yes Massa, ‘ould you like I ta lick tother un now". . . I feels sorry for un reely, . . . Da Tories er givin ‘im ‘ell over Asylum Seekers an ‘is own lot er givin im ‘ell over da Firemen an’ sendin’ are boys ta War. . . . Ar Anty Lils bloke reccons dey’ll av ta sort Saddam out now so’s ees out da bleedin way if Norf Korea starts playin’ up later on.

No more Boom an Bust Gordon sed. . . but unless I’n Elvis Presleys love child, da stockmarkets bin givin’ a very good impression uv a Bungy Jumper oo mesured is rope wrong. . . Da way it’s goin’ aw are pensions is up da bleedin’ creek an weel aw be workin till weem pushin up daisys. . . Corse cept aw dey bleedin bunkin off Council workers.

Wot abowt dat poor littaw Victoria wot got done in by er Anty un Uncle. Aw dey social workers wot should uv saved er pleads dey wus aw over worked, . . So wot do dey do ? . . dey promotes um an’ gives um aw a bleedin pay rise. .You coun’t make it up !

Me bruvvers got a job wiv da ‘ighways awfority. . NO, NO, Ee wern’t in charge uv da gritting Lorries wen dey weren’t ready after being given a weeks notice dat snow an ice wer on da way! . . . Dey needed sum wun ta count cars usein’ da bus lanes. . . Ee turned up fer da interview wearin’ ‘is teashirt wiv tyre tracks up da back. . .Wen ee tawd um ‘ow a bloke drivin’ a Jeep wiv Bull Bars mistook un for a speed bump.(corse they don’t slow down fer speed bumps do um) dey tawd un ta start on Monday. . Ee ‘ates me ya know. . . Wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta use me toof brush ta clean ‘is Action Man. . Ee wanted a Barbie Doll reely. . . I even ad ta stop im puttin Jeffrey in a kilt ! (Ee aways cawd ‘im Jeffrey) . . An’ ee still wants ta be a Scowt Master ! . . Last time I saw ‘im ee wer still trying ta learn da ‘Moonwalk’. . .Ee finks Whacko Jacko is misunderstood . . .Ee finks everywun should have a friend ta go ta bed with, . . speshly at night !

Yer, tawkin abowt moonwalks . Dat wer a bad job wan’it, aw dey Astranauts. . . poor sods. . . Still dey reccons dere ull be loads more quein’ up ta go next time. . Seems like wot evers out dere, sumwun ull make sure we finds it. . Wot’s it dey caws it ?. .da last Fronteer. . . Dey should send Two Jags an Ken Livinston. . . Dey could bring us back a few Tardis. .Dat would sure solve da travel problems, . . . specially if dey never cum back !

Dey Frenchies invited Mcawber er Mugabe wot ever dey caws un, over fer tea and biscuits. . . Our wonderful ‘Yoropean Neighbours’, cosying up ta dat racist git. . . . Oo needs enemies wen wees got friends like aw dey. . .We an da Yanks saves um frum da German Jackboots, an’ first chance dey get dey stuffs us. . . . Any ‘ow it don’t matter no more. Gordon reccons we don’t need industry, we can aw live just by flyin round da world going on ‘oliday an livin on ar credit cards. Everyfing ull be aw right as long as we aw keeps spendin.

Yep! I’ll see ya aw in da bankrupcy court. I’n off on ‘oliday.

“Errol ! . . . Get in here” ! . . .Well praps later.

Nov/Dec 2002

Copyright by Charles Henry

Well you can tell it’s nerly Crismus, Da guvernment uv offered da pensioners £1.75 a week rise. . . Yep dey’ll aw be abbaw ta celebrate by stickin pins in Effigies of Two Jags, Four ‘Owses Prescott as dey clubs together ta buy a Pigs Trotter fer Crismus Dinner. . . . Funny aint it ! . . . . Lib Dems recconed a penny on incum tax wer gonna change evryfink. . Only fing Labour taxes uv changed is the Guvernments Lifestyle. . . Come back Maggie. . Aw is fergivin !

Firemen fawt we wus stupid an aw ! . . 40% rise fer a part time job wot Big Girls can do ! . . Ar Anty Lils bloke applied, but dey tawd un if ee werked nites eed av ta learn ow ta cook breakfast. . . Ee said wot ! . . Cookin’, . . . No Way. . . Let aw dey Big Girls do it ! . .Corse ar anty Lil ’s wurrid she ownt be able ta get nun uv um ta fix da shed door now. . . . She’d give um a few quid an dey’d come round an’ fix any a dey fings ‘er bloke oudn’t do. . . Well I spose she wer only givin um money !

Guvernments gonna make Buggery wiv 16yer awds Legal and Huntin wiv Dogs Illegal. . .Dat means it’l be safer bein’ a pervert on Clapham Common dan a Fox Hunter on Mendip!, . . an’ on Saturday Nights aw blokes is gonna ave ta ave written consent before dey chances dere luck. . . .Written Consent ! . . . . ‘Alf the buggers can’t even ‘old a pencil let alone write ! . . Can you imagine it! . . She ses, “Do you reely luv me", an by da time you finds yer pencil da bus uv come !

Me bruvver went ta Silverstone back in da summer ta watch Schumaccer. . . Ee jest stayed by the Pit Lane wiv his new Speed Gun. . . Aw dey up dere fought ee wer practicing ta be a Liberal Demacrat Cowncil Snooper ! . I sed. . Ee don’t need ta practice. . Eev been snoopin’ ever since ar Ediff ast un if ee wonted ‘is penny back ! . . Ee ‘ates me more dan dey bleedin Germans ya know. . Wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta cownt how many times I pulled da flush. . . . Eed tell ar mum I’d bin wastin’ water ! . . Now you nos. . . It’s peeple like ee wot don’t never pull da flush proply. . . . da git. . . an ee still wants ta get on da council !

Miss world is bein slagged off by dey ‘Lets Pretend We Women Don’t Need aw we Smelly Men Brigade’. . . . Adam un Eve ud uv ad ta av Immaculut Concepshun if dey lot ud bin arownd. . . . Ol’ Eevee ‘ouldn’t uv needed a Fig Leaf, . . she’d a needed a Bleedin Shed Door. . . . It’s time aw we men tawed um once an fer aw, . . if we wonts ta bleedin oggle, . . . weel bleedin oggle !. . . . Corse aw dey wots got a figger like a 1975 Austin Allegro gets TNT don’t um, an’ it puts um right off livin’ down’t it.

Any ow enuff garbage, . . Wot abowt aw dey poor bleedin soldiers wots avin ta fight fires cos dey bleedin’ firemens too bleedin idaw. . . . Fancy bein’stuck out in Bosnia er Afganistan er wherever, an’ hopin ta get ‘ome an’ see yer wife and kids fer Crismas, an den dat lefty prat caws aw dey out on strike. . . . It aint never right !. . . Prime Minister uv tawed um aw ee ownt pay um no more unless dey do’s proper hours, . . an’ are Anty Lil’s bloke reccons dis time ee meens it. . . . Eee reccons Maggie ould uv sorted it, no messin’, an if Blair don’t ees finished.

Tawkin abowt TNT and Shed Doors, I wonder if the bosses wife uv finished peelin’ me grapes.

“Errol Get in Here". . . . Yep, she ‘av.

October 2002

Copyright by Charles Henry

Well did da Erf move fer you ? . . . dey in Manchesters just ‘ad 17. . .’Owse a Commons must uv ‘ad a couple wiv ol Edwina, an’ da BBC uv rely bin rockin an’ rollin wot wiv dat ‘andsome git an’ Ulrika. . . . I’n lucky if I gets da bosses wife ta give I a ginger biscuit wiv me cuppa tea ! . . . Tony’s runnin out uv peeple ta sack cos theym aw resignin’ before Paxman gets a chance ta blame it on da Tories on Newsnite. . . An’ now da ghost uv Arfer Skargill uv reappeared in da form uv a ‘Green Goddess’.

Deys caught dat git in America wot wer shootin evrybody but they still don’t know wevver ta give Saddam a seein’ to. . Now dat Bali’s been blowd up aw da luvvies er avin’ a wobbly. . Dey in Russia wus avin trubble wiv dey Chechins an’ aw, . . but Mr Putin soon saw ta they . . Seems George Dubya wus right an da war is reely startin, cept evry time ee tries ta sort it out wiv da UN they bleedin Frenchys stirs it up.

Me Bruvvers bin cawt stealing, da theevin git. . .Well twernt reely steelin’, but ee took a elluv time takin’ back is library books. . . . Wot ever ee wanted a book on Nature Study er Naturism wot ever it’s cawd I’ll never no. . Ee ‘ates me ya know. . Wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta make I carry ‘is books an satchel ‘ome frum scool so’s ee could ang arownd wiv ar Ediff an ‘er friend Jubbly. . . . Dey aw cawd er Lubbly Jubbly cos she wer big fer er age an she ‘ad ballet lessons. . . An’ ee still wants ta get on the cowncil, even now !

Looks like Gordys gonna ‘ave ta put taxes up again, . . wot wiv da chief constable earning £130 grand an da firemen wantin £30 grand. . . Aw dey bleedin greedy Old Age Pensioners an dey greedy shop workers ull av ta take a pay cut. An dey bleedin greedy students ull av ta get bigger overdraughts an aw ! . . An wot abowt dey poor Supply Teechers now. . . ‘Ow er they gonna manage on jest £250 a day ! . . . Still by the time ol’ Charles Wotsit the new Education Secretary av finished installin all the cleaners as classroom helpers, we ownt need any a they any ow! . . Thas wer a good move I reccon !

Ar Anty Lils bloke uv put his dogs kennel on the market fer 10 Grand. . . Eev put it out the back lane by the playin’ field so it’s got plenty uv land wiv it. . . Ee reccons if it ud ad a ‘hon sweet’ instead uv jest the garden tap eed a got loads more ! . . Ees finkin’ uv floggin his Green’owse next, cept he waitin to see if da garden shed ull count as Granny Annex.

Princess Wonderful’s butler wer devastated wen ee fownd out da dress eed bin wearin’ belonged ta da cook’s granny, not da wun ee worshipped. . . Ee fawt it wer unusual to av aw dose bones in ‘er corsets, an ee never could quite understand why she needed size 18 vests an pockets in da knickers, an ee only put er Platinum ring in ‘is cutlery drawer sos ee could see if silver dip would bring the colour back.

Tony Blackburn uv found ‘is rightful place at last. . . . Ee wus da winner uv da television show ta find out if dere reely are any people more stupid dan dey wots on Big Bruvver. . . .Yep yor right ! . . Big Bruvver wus jest the tip uv da Iceburg an now dere’s a big search on to see if dere ar any intelligent people left anywhere at aw!. . . . It av now become crystal clear ow New Labor managed to win a second term. . . Dere is a rumour dat a man has been seen in Whitehall an around da Houses of Parliament, whispering in da ear of anyone who looks remotely intelligent. (Well dey think he’s whispering but dey can hardly hear) an asking dem if deyll vote for un wen ee finds ‘is party. . . Unfortunately ee’s finding most of da intelligent wuns is over 50 an only ‘ad 6 ‘O’ Levels. Aw da uvvers left school wen dey wus 15 an took early retirement wen dey became millionaires under Fatcher.

Any ow since deys found out dat most of da ‘A’ level examiners is Disleptic. . Next year dey’m turnin Cotham Grammer School into a University and getin’ Radio Bristaw to award degrees to aw dey wot reads da Guardian and phones John Turner’s morning show.

” Errol ! . . Errol ! . . Get in here and finish the dishes now !”

September 2002

Copyright by Charles Henry

Wots fink gonna ‘appen now den ? . Aw da luvvies wanna let Saddam just faff around. . Ar Anty Lil reccons as soon as George Dubya gets close ta finding da bombs an dat wot ees reely makin, eel just start playing up again ! . . . . Give da basket a inch an eel take ten miles. . .Tony uv bin fiddlin the figures agen like ee wer Jeffrey Archer’s accountant, (alegidly). . . First it wer street crime, den burglary, den ow many coppers we got, . . . an now da git is tryin ta make out sum uv dey wots reely clever an goes ta posh schools, is aw fick ! . . . jest so ee don’t av ta admit ees bin makin out weem aw getting clevererer. . . if you nose wot I meens.

Dey marchers up Lundon uv give un a wake up I reccon. . . Say wot you like, . . dat wer a elluv a lot a peeple wot turned out. . . Dey wus aw peacable anaw, . . fer now dat is, but if ol Blair keeps on stickin it to um, sum a dey ull tern nasty I reccon. . .Wot I wonts ta know is ow dey makes out deym not being cruel ta rats wen dey slowly poisons um, but deym bein’ cruel ta foxes wen da dogs get um. . . I wunder wot aw dey ded chickens un lambs fawt abowt it ?. . . I bet dey fawt it wer a right ol laugh, ey, don’t you ? . . ol foxy loxy chewin on dere wind pipes.

My bruvver yoosed ta ride a ‘orse. . . Yeh ee did! . . Wen we wer kids ee yoosed ta ride ar Ediffs Rockin’ ‘orse! . . . Yeh ee did ! . . reely! . . . . da big girls blouse ! . . . It wer ar Ediffs pride and joy, . but ee yoosed ta push er off just sos ee could pretend ee wer da Lone Ranger. . Ee ‘ates me ya no!. . Ee yoosed ta make I be Tonto. . . I’d av ta keep running around da room hidin’ behind chairs wiv me pea shooter shouting “Hi Ho Silver Aweee ey! “. . . . . Ee wanted ta be Runnin’ Bare an’ aw sum days, but ar Anty Lil soon put a stop ta dat.. . . . da perv. . . An’ ee wonts ta get on da cowncil !

‘Ows yer pension den ? . . . stockmarkets still in free fall . . . Pleece ull aw get deres, . . Tony an ‘is lot ull aw get deres, an a wage rise, . . an I spec aw da rest uv dey white’aw lot up Lundun ull get deres. . an’ dey aw got da bleeden cheek ta complain cos da farmers moans about getting’ less fer milk dan da supermarkets charges fer bleeden wat’er. . . . I’ve decided best fing fer I ta do is ta eever find sum rich widow woman an marry ‘er, . . er find a childless couple an get meself adopted !. . . . I can’t make up me mind wevver ta try fer a couple uv teechers say, oo wants a normal ‘elfy wun ta put frew college, er see if I can get wun like da bosses wife who wants I ta do a bit uv evening work. . . Me bruvver reccons I’n far too old now an’ if I aint careful aw I’ll get is a couple oo wants a free trial an a money back guarantee if I’n not ‘owse trained. . . Ee reccons I’ll have more chance if I has me navel pierced an lerns ta cook !

Diss Indian summer uv bin a bit uv a treat aint it. . . . Dey still caws it global warmin’ but we’ll av t see I reccon. . . It’ll soon start rainin’ and blowin’ a gale, . . an if we get wun uv dey cawd winters like wot are Anty Lils bloke tawks abowt dey’ll soon change dere bleedin tune. . . I ‘erd da ‘ole in da ozone layer wer getting’ smaller again, an even sum uv dey icecaps wer freezin’ up wer dey aint froze before. . . . Seems like it aint changin’ it’s just movin’ arownd abit. . . . Ah well noone cares wot I finks no more anyow. . . . I fink I’ll ask bosses wife if she wonts some help wiv er casserole or da back yard doin’next.

You Never Know . . I as ta fink abowt me Pension now don’t I.

August 2002

Copyright by Charles Henry

Dey ses it’s aw over. . Well it is now ! . . Da love affair wiv Tony Blair an da Unions I meens. . . . Nu laber’s in debt werse dun ar Anty Lil’s uncle Fred, . . Ees da git wot got caught nickin’ fings frew ‘is neybours loft. . . Since da stockmarket uv crashed deys begun ta reelize Gordon’s been nickin’ money out ar pension funds. So a nice retirement, playin’ Bingo on da Costa del Sol is right out da question now. . . Next fing we’ll av ta pay um evin more money jest so’s dey can get reelected. . Da first fing dey done wus fix up dere own pensions ! . . . . corse I fergot !. . . das da fird way ain’t it !

George Dubya wonts ta give Saddam Hussein a good goin’ over an get shot of un once and fer aw but aw da luvvies finks we should leave un be. . . Tonys afraid eel upset ‘is bosses in Yorup if ee ‘elps un. . . Ar Anty Lils bloke reccons if deyed gone on an sorted da git out last time we unt av aw diss bleedin’ trubble now.

Pleece uv shown umselves ta be a bigger load a wasters than aw da CSA’S missin’ favvers put ta gevver. . . . Dey little girls goes missin’, an a taxi driver reports a git in a Green Car swervin’ all over da road wiv kids init, an it takes um a bleedin week before dey starts lookin’ for un. . . . You only ‘as ta ‘onk yer bleedin ‘orn at a cyclist in Bristaw er wave yer pensawl at a traffic warden an they gets Elf an Safetee, Race Relations, a Tow Truck, an da Armed Response Team out wiv a Chieftun Tank out after ee ! . . Are anty Lil’s bloke reccons wen dey knows fer sure wot gits uv done for um, dey should string da bleeders up. . . . Corse dey ownt ! . . . . Aw dey bleedin’ ‘art Libraws ull start screamin’ ‘uman rights. . . . Ill give um ‘human bleedin’ rights. . . Give I da bleedin’ rope ! . . I’ll do it !

Now we got Global Wettin’, it’s like Global Warmin’ wiv clouds, . . . cept dey can’t quite make up dere minds why it’s awrite fer Planes ta burn millions a gallons a fuel an not pay tax, but it aint awrite fer are Anty Lil’s bloke ta bring is Armstrong Sidley Saphire (Oh aw rite then! . . ‘is Reliant Robin) in ta Bristaw. . . . da crouts uv ‘ad da worst rain since 1845 they reccon. . . . I wonder were dey found a git old enough ta remember that !? . . My bruvver reccons weel aw av ta ride are bikes an all av showers before we starts work, . . da perv. . . Ee ‘ates me ya know. . . . Wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta pinch are Ediffs’ baff towel so she’d av ta go an’ borrow ‘is wen we aw went swimmin’! . . Ee still finks she laffed at un cos ee ‘ad littaw feet.

I’n finkin’ uv doing Elvis impersanashuns ta boost me wages. . . Bosses wife reccons I looks like dat pop Idaw, Bone. . . I’ve never ‘erd of un meeself ! . . I sed to ‘er I fawt I got me looks from da rent man on me muvvers side. . . Ee wer a big Welsh git wot werked fer da council allotments committee till dey grabbed un fer rent collecting . . . Ee wore a cowboy ‘at , a yellow shirt, an winklepickers, . . . an ee ad long sideboards. . . She yoosed ta call un Daffodil . . . . I never did find out why !

Students ull be back raisin’ ‘ell again soon. . . . Still wiv a bit uv luck if da owse prices keeps risin’ dey ownt be able to afford ta live yer no more. . . . Corse wen deys starts towin’ away all derer bleedin’ cars up Kingsdown deyll have have a riot on their hands I spec. . . . Dey ownt do it down St Pauls ull they. . . . No corse dey ownt. . . .Some bugger ull shoot um das why. . . An who’d blame um.

Errol ! . . Errol ! . . If you don’t hurry up and get back in here with that brush, I’ll tell everyone why they nearly called you Crocus !

July 2002

Copyright by Charles Henry

Stroof ! . . Footballs over fank god. . . swetted fer a bit, fawt Germany wer gonna win! . . me bruvvers started wearin’ a big girls blouse wiv a big red cross, front an’ back. . . Ee caws it is cyclin’ shirt but it aint . . . It’s a big girls blouse wiv a big red cross on it, . . . like wot ee is! . . . Aw dey luvvies finks if we starts wavin’ England’s flag weel aw give up on the Union Jack. . . Ee ates me ya know, Wen we wus kids an in da Scouts, eed shove me woggle right up tight round me neck! an nen eed practise tying knots on me neckerchief. . . . An ee wants ta get on da cowncil ! . . . Dey’ll love ee if ee do ! . . . Ee finks bikes ought ta be allowed ta go on da pavements da pratt. . . Ee wonts ta solve bed blockin’ by killin’ off aw da old biddies while deym out shoppin er walkin’ derer dogs!

Yer wern’t it Tony wot sed we aw ad ta go on da internet an get some uv dat Dot Com ! . ah well we don’t yer un sayin’ sorry he wer wrong. . . Ar anty Lils Bloke reccons aw dey wot bought sum uv ad a right stuffin’. . . Ee reccons Railtrack shares wer a bleedin’ steal compared ta aw they IT’s an’ Dot Coms. . . Ee aint alf glad ee gets ‘is invulid pension fer is bad back, . . ee reccon if it gets be’ter eel av ta see if dey’ll give un legal aid cos ee smoked woodbines in da sixties an fought dey wus good fer is sex life.

Two jag’s aint very ‘appy, . . . ‘is union uv stopped is freebys. . .Dey wonted un ta vote fer nationalising everyfink. . . but ee can’t do that now ! . . ees a reconditioned socialtist wiv loads a dosh and free er four ‘owses now! . . . Two Jags, . . No scruples, . . an a index linked pension! . . . ” Stuff aw you lot, . . I’n aw right Jack “.

M32’s gonna ‘ave bus lanes so’s da pleece ull be able ta stick it on more car drivers. . I spec deym so bored up dere Por’tis’ead Leisure Cen’ter dey as ta pop out fer a bit uv ferapy on the speed cameras. . . Corse it’s too dangerous fer da poor littaw luvs arrestin’ real villins now aint it, . . Elf an Safety ouldn’t like um gettin too stressed. . . Dat poor git wot shot da burgler as ta stay in prison cos dey can’t protect un, an da uvver fievin git wot done un is gonna get fifty fousand quid damages ! . . . you couldn’t make aw diss up! . . . meenwhile ’spliffs’ rule up da pop festival as long as you pays yer protection money an’ no bugger catches you climbin’ over da bleedin fence. . . Eel be the next lefty git fer a Gong I spec. . . dat’ll be right, . . Lord Pot uv Glastonbury. . . Diss ‘furd way’ is reely wunderful don’t you fink ? . . . Legalise Cannibiss. . . give aw da kids free condoms, an’ nen let da queers adopt aw da mishaps. . . . .

Da Laber party keepin up da good work wiv sum good old fashioned bed ‘oppin’ keepin us aw amused. . . I don’t fink dey likes Big Bruvver on ‘channel swore’ getting aw the ‘edlines, . . an’ Red ‘Wots-is-name’ wants ta be allowed back in Labour party, . . . but I’n not sure Tony wonts un, . . . Eel make da rest of um look evin more dishonest dan dey aw do now !. . . . Ees reely convincing wen says “I wernt drunk, an’ I dint push dat git down no stairs, an’ I only hit un by mistake wen me girlfriend ducked".

Diss Global warmin’s getting a bit out uv hand. . . If it carries on like diss weel aw av ta start burnin’ coal again or those daft buggers oo started plantin’ vinyards ull be takin’ us ta the Yoropean Court. . . . An’ if you wus plannin’ on a bit uv early retirement thees be’ter check the small print in yer contract cos da pension funds er all lookin a bit sick, . . . less a course yoom a copper or a MP. . . . In fact it might be a very good time becum a illegal immigrunt.

Errol !. . Errol ! . . Get in ‘ere now and close that door !

May 2002

Copyright by Charles Henry

Ow do’ee fancy bein’ regionalised den ?. . . no no, not dat! . . I sed regionalised ! , I wernt tawkin abowt me bruvvers operation. . . . Ar anty Lils bloke reccons Tonys goin awl out ta get is place in ‘istory as ‘da git wot got us aw gelded’. . No no no, not wearin’ womens cloves ! . . It’s like avin a operation ta have yer brain replaced wiv a bit uv chewin gum, so wen some forin git says “jump", you jumps, nods yer ‘ed an starts singin’,

“Auf vidazean pet. . . We aw luvs you,
We’ll keep werkin’ till we aw drops.
An’ even if you, . . don’t really ‘ave a clue,
We’ll still change aw ar Pounds inta Yoros.". . .

Dey wus goin ta av um aw singin’ ‘We’ll Keep da Red Flag Flyin’ but Brussels tawd un it ud av ta be Multi Colored now, not Red . . corse Tony fought dat sounded stupid, an’ ee can’t stand deckchairs eversince one collapsed on un down Weston un nerly neutralised un den, . . . So ee changed it ! . . . .corse ‘eev aw ready ad it dun now !

Yer did ee know dey wot aint right wing extremists is in da minority now. . . Aw dey in ‘Olland is right wing extremist, . . cos aw dey voted fer the party uv dat queer git wot got murdered, Pim Fortyn. . . Aw dey in Ireland as voted fer Fina Foil, an’ now deym aw right wing extremists. . . Tony reccons aw da Tories is right wing extremists, . cept fer Ken Clarke. . . Lord David Owen, ees a right wing extremist, cos ee wants ta keep da Pound an’aw . . David Blunkett’s a right wing extremist cos ee sed weem getting swampted wiv ’sylum seekers, . . an da Pleece er aw rightwing extremists cos dey don’t want ta legalise pot er av pretend pleecmen. . . Any bugger oo don’t wont da Yoro is a right wing extremist. . . Dat only leaves Mandy Meddlesum , da Dagenham Girls Choir an Mo Mowlum, but evin she finks Nu Labour is aw crooks so I suppose she must nerly be wun an’ aw now !

Me bruvvers tryin’ ta get a job ut wun of dese new country ‘oliday camps fer illegal immigrunts. Ee reccons da food ull be much better dan Butlins an eel be able ta practice ‘is French. . . stupid gitt. . . I tawd un ! . . Deym comin’ frum France an da french uv aw ready tawd um ow ta demand aw dere human rights in English. . . Ee ‘ates me ya know, wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta take aw da choclats out me Eester Egg. . I never knoo ‘ow ee dun it mine you, da slippery git. . . an ee wants ta get on da Cowncil ! . . . I tawd ar Anty Lil I were gonna ave a DNA test done on un ta make sure ee aint a misprint er some sort uv frow back. . .You never nos, . . we might be able ta get un depor’ted !

Railways is still in a bleedin mess. . Still can’t expect much more. . . Deym aw lyin gits. . . No bugger tells us da troof no more. . . Weel never know wevver some irriat vandal took da bleedin nuts off like dey Hunt Sabaters doos ta ‘orse box wheels , er wevver some pratt like me bruvver went on ‘oliday an’ dint tell no one ee ad’nt finished wot ee wer doing. . . meself I reccon dey’ll av ta start buildin’ more roads before we aw grinds to a bleedin ‘alt. . Dey spends ‘alf dere time tryin ta get us aw ta go on ‘oliday an da uvver ‘alf buggerin’ up da way we goes dere. . . Weel av ta get a Tardis each da way deym goin.

Yer !. . . I aint sexist, . . but now we got rid uv dat bearded git off da cowncil wees got aw dees bleedin women runnin’ rampant. . .Wots goin on I wonts ta know ? . . its no wunder aw dees kids is runnin riot. . . Instead of stayin’ ‘ome teechin da littaw bleeders ow ta be’ave, deym aw down da cowncil ‘owse, er up da pub ! . . Still wiv aw deese odd ‘couples being allowed ta adopt kids wevver deym marrid er not, dey’ll be bolishin proper marridge an aw soon, an nen you’ll just av ta order a Clone off da Internet. . . .

Yer would you Adam an Eve it, . . I jest ‘erd Mandy Meddlesum wants Tony ta give un Liars Buyers job !. . .

I can’t stop laughin’. . . I goin in afor she sacks I.

April 2002

Copyright by Charles Henry

Yer diss is bet’er. . . Spring uv sprung, an’ I got me awd job back. . . Same as before, ‘cept I don’t get no sexual ‘arrisment no mor. . . Boss must uv got over ‘is bad back. . Still can’t ’spect evryfing you wants can you. . It’s Yorup ain’ it. . . Dey lot spoils evryfing !

Queen muvver dying wer a bit sad wern it. . Ar anty Lil reccons dey’ll try an use it like a landmark ta bolish aw on um. . . Can’t see it meeself. . . Why do um get so upset abowt dey blue bloods. Deym bin brought up ta make sure no bugger takes us over an terns us inta an ‘oliday camp fer rich Germans an Frogs. . . an aw da time weem payin dey footballin’ gits millions ta prance around kickin footballs. . An wot abowt dey gits wot makes millions out uv you buggers pension funds on da stockmarket. . . . Ar Anty Lils bloke reccons if you ad a pyramid scam goin’ on like dat down yor way, dey’d lock ee up an frow away da key. . . ‘member dat git up da road wot ad dat telephone scam goin’ ? . dey soon sorted ee out din’ um!

My bruvvers taken up ‘ang glidin’ . . . well eev bought a kite any’ow. . I reccon if ee takes it down Weston an ties it to ‘is ‘andlebars, wiv a bit a luck eel get stuck in da mud if da tides out ! . . Ee ‘ates me ya know!. . .wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta make I be ‘is ‘orse wen we played cowboys. . . no! no! . . ee dint get on me back ! . . Eed get the dogs lead an’ ‘itch I up to ‘is trolley an’ we’d be Wells Fargo.. . some days the bugger ould make I run rite round are estate free or four times collecting stuff. . . . Wot the ‘ell “Rag ‘an Bone” ‘ad ta do wiv Dale Robertson I’ll never know ! . . an’ ee wonts ta get on the cowncil !

‘Owse prices is still goin’ up dey reccon. . . .but is dey ? . . Dey reccon you lot er spendin’ millions on yer credit cards an’ aw the shops is boomin’ , . . but no buggers round yer is dancin fer joy. . . Boss reccons dey wots got it er keepin it in dere pockets an’ dey wot ant is spendin’ plastic like it’s goin out a fashion ! . . . . . .an now Gordy uv been an stitched up you lot wiv a gert tax ‘ike. . . . Corse ee reccons it’s ta save da ‘elf service but it ownt make no diffrence, . . . Dey lot couldn’t organise a breakout frum a open jail!. Givin dey money is like givin a shoplifter a overdraft. . . . ee ownt stop theevin !. . . eel jest be able ta go theevin ut a bet’er class a shop.

Wots reccon abowt changin da name uv da Colston Awl then . . . dey pratts down the cowncil finks ole Mr.Colston wer doin’ a few dodgy deals arrangin’ a bit uv iffy immigration wiv a few inlaws uv da local African chiefs. . . . . Ah well in them days I spec they probly fought it wer like National Service. . . . You no, a couple a yers down da coal mines in exchange fer a free trip ta Yorup. . . Summat like that, . . any ow it wer a long time ago now wern it ! . . . .We wus probly ‘angin apple steelers wiv da ‘orse theeves in they days. . . We never ‘ad no women telling us ow to live decent an ‘onerable lives in dey days eever did us. We wus still makin’ um aw do as dey wus bleedin tawd, . . . not like now! .. . . Deym aw lippier dan Clint Eastwood’s Arrangatang(monkey).

Dey lefties in Yorup uv managed ta stir up trubble fer George Dubya. . . Dey jest couldn’t stand it wen aw dey yanks was supportin’ un in is fight against terror so deys stirred up aw dis Anti-Semmelism. . . Cept if dey aint very careful dat Le Penn geezer ull be getting aw da votes in France. Dat’ll reely stir fings up. . . Bowt time too I reccon. . . Aw deese luvvies uv buggered up evryfing. . . Even sum poor old lady aint safe going down the road ta get ‘er fish supper. I reccon dey should bring back bleedin ‘anging. . . Summats got ta change.

“Errol. . . Errol. . . Get in here” . . . . . . God she’s off again. I’d bet’er go. !

March 2002

Copyright by Charles Henry

Ow do all. . . I’ll be glad wen da bleedin wevver gets bet’er. . Summat aint right you know. Dey keeps on tellin us evryfings wunderful, ‘cept evry day we yers sum poor bugger’s losing dere jobs cos some firm sumwhere is closin’ down. Seems like dey finks if dey tells us everyfing in da gardens rosy aw you pratts ull believe it. . . . Maybe deym right ?. . Corse Tony don’t know wots goin’ on cos ee ain’t never yer. . . Aw da coppers went ta Lundon ta let da guvernment no dey wont ‘appy abowt losin’ dere overtime an us avin pretend-pleecmen instead of real uns, still I spose das da way iss goin’ and most of um ull be on sick leave an early retirement anyway.

Teechers er da next lot goin’ on strike. . . Funny aint it. . dey spends yers and yers goin ta college, preaching free love, ban da bomb, equaw rights fer lesbians, no smackin’ yer kids, aw smokin’ pot, an aw fings libraw wot messes up evryone, an nen wen evryfing goes pearshaped deym aw moanin’! . . Trubble is dey finks bein’ on ‘oliday ‘alf da time an still bein’ payed is normaw. . . . Dey aint noticed dat dey wots earns da money an pays da taxes as ta werk aw hours, aw yer, till dey drops.

Wot abowt Africa ? . . . . seems like Mr.Gawby er wot ever ees cawed av managed ta stitch up da lections. . Corse anyone who says anyfink abowt un ull be cawed a racist. . . Ar anty Lil reccons if a few more like Mr. Mandella don’t come out and say ees a crook and ‘elp chuck un out peeple ull fink theym aw crooks an no bugger ull trust any of um. . . . Dat’ll set fings back yers !

Did you watch POP Idaw ? . . no, nor I. . . My bruvver reccons ee turned out ta be a woofter. . I said to un, so what !. . we as ta listen to un singin’, not sleep wid un. . . Ee ‘ates me ya know. . Wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta lock I out da baffroom. . . Ar muvver yoosed ta make I share a baff wiv un ta save ‘ot wa’ter. . . Corse wile she wer dere ee wer aw sweetness an light, but wen she popped downstairs eed blow bubbles an’ do fings to I wiv da back scrubber we cant even tawk about ! . . Corse I dint know wot everyfing wer for den ! . . I reccon eve still got a rubber duck ee plays wiv now ! . . an ee wonts ta get on the cowncil !

Looks like dey mad buggers down da cowncil owse er gonna make aw you lot flog yer cars an ride bikes. deym gonna look a bit stupid wen dere aint no shops left cept dey sellin curry an a few lap dancing clubs. . .Dey seems ta fink da world ull keep goin if weem aw workin fer social sevices an da NHS. Better still dey finks dey can aw take early retirement an some uvver bugger ull still keep puttin a cheque in dere bank account an pay dere penshuns.

Any ow we aint erd nuffink frum Mr.Byers. . Ar anty Lils bloke reccons deym gonna give ‘is job ta Mandy Meddlesum in da next reshuffle. . . . Mandys avin more cumbacks dan da the Beverley Sisters cept wiv dey you gets free(Three). . . Mine you I spec Mandy ull bring is friend. Da papers ull av loads a fun avin ee back, mine you dey might send un straight ta Yorup sos ee can get yoosed ta fiddlin’ Yoros wiv Neely Boy an ‘is misses .

Yer uv you erd dajudges wonts da pleece ta stop arrestin peeple cos da prisons is aw full up. . . Well dey ownt av ta wurry much longer cos deym gonna make crime legil an give out free drugs wiv da condoms in da Schools. . . . At dis rate aw da villains ull be up da church asking fer fergiveness before dey signs on fer dere social security. . . an da sun ull be shining. . an da nightingales ull be singin’ in Berkley Square. . . An I’ll get a job working fer Microsoft. . . An ar Anty Lils bloke ull make a honest woman uv ar anty Lil. . . . . no, no, no. . . Das is a bit too far fetched !

I’n goin’ afore it starts Rainin’ Men , as da song goes, . . God Forbid.

January 2002

Copyright by Charles Henry

Stroof ! ..diss bleedin’ New Yer is gallopin’ on agen. . . Railways is on strike, Roads is aw dug up, ‘Ospitaws is aw overcrowded, Violent Crime is ut record levels an’ Tonys off on anuvver uv ‘is bleedin ‘olidays. . . . Ee seems to av fergotten ee wer voted in ta look after ar anty Lil an’ er dodgy ‘ipp, not da Tootin’ Broadway Cultural Alliance of World Wide Whiskery Winos, Dope ‘Eds an Whicker Basket Makers. . . . Funny aint it, Teflon Tony ownt tell us abowt wevver ‘is spratt uv ‘ad MMR er not but ee don’t mind tellin da world abowt sum poor old codger wot pees ‘isself, if ee finks it’ll get un out uv da shit over ‘ospital treatments.

Mr Birt ‘wer drafted in ta sort out Stephen Byers cock ups. . . Funny ‘ow dese new Crony Lords cums in ‘andy wen dere’s a mess ta sort out. . .Twernt so long ago dey wus making out Ee wer makin’ a mess uv the BBC an’ now suddenly ees a bleedin expert on transport.

Well I tell ee wot! . . . a record number uv you buggers bawt a bleedin’ new car last yer! . . an yoom payin’ record ‘igh taxes fer da privlige. . . .Wot I wanna no is wen er dey gonna finnish building aw dey bypasses we wus promised an wen er dey gonna sack dey prats wot keeps orderin’ new traffic lights ?

Aw da luvvies is worrying abowt dey murderin’ gits wot blows up planes now dey’s caught sum uv dey wots bin fightin’ in Afghanistan. Ar muvver reccons dere’s millions a peeple wot ud luv free squares (three square meals) an’ a shower evry day. Deym aw pissed off cos da Yanks sorted out Afghanistan in double quick time. Dey aw ‘oped deyed be out dere fer yers an yers not gettin’ nowhere.

IDS av bin a bit uv a turn up. Eev give da guvernment a bit uv a scare. . . .Wen ee gets angry ee sticks it ta Tony no messin’ an Tony don’t like it do ee. . . Ees just like my bruvver. . .Wen ee yoosed ta get a dose uv aggro ‘isself eed go bleetin’ ta are muvver. . . Ee ates me ya know, . . wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta make I ‘old ‘is fishin rod for un wen we went fishin’ up the park. . . Ee yoosed read ‘is comic an I ad ta shout wen ee ‘ad a bite. . .One day ee fell asleep so I tied is line ta dis kiddos bike, an’ den I buggered off.! . . Next fing I erd un tryin ta untangle ‘is line from da playground roundabout.. Ar muvver went un giv un my spare reel den!. . . It twer werf it mind you , jest ta see un try an get da ‘ook out uv da park keepers trowsers wile ee wer cursin ‘un. . . an da git still wonts ta get on da cowncil !

Yer ! . . . wot joo reccon gonna ‘appen ta Two Jags ?. . . Sum seem ta fink deym gonna pension un off. . . Makes you laugh dun it ?. . . Ees anuvver git wot wer gonna save da workers frum exploitation an now ees like a pig ut da trough. . . . Den dere’s Neil an Glennice on da Brussells Gravy Train livin like millionaires an aw da rest uv da bleedin cabinet struttin rownd like cats wots got the cream. . . . an aw da time evryfings startin ta go pear shaped. . . . Ar anty Lils bloke reccons da biggest laugh is dey rail workers ! . . . Ol’ Stephen Byers pulls da bleedin plug an makes aw dere pensions and savings werfless den ee wunders why da buggers is on stike ! . . I means. . , I ‘ould be. . . . ‘ouldn’t you ?. . . Wot ‘appened ta aw dat ‘weem aw gonna be part uv it, an av shares init’, an aw that ! . . . I speck it’s gone same way as that baby wot got lost. . . . An you can be sure. . No bugger ull say sorry. . . No bugger ull own up an take the blame. . an no bugger ull get the sack. . . ..New Labour, new bleedin excuse. . . . Bring back Arfer Skargill I says. . . . . at least wiv ee you new labour wus workin fer us werkers, not like dis lot. Smilin’ at you wile dey puts up yer taxes an spends it aw on illegal immigrunts.

Any ‘ow I’n off ‘ome ta see if me ‘ospitaw appointment uv bin cancelled again, wot wiv diarrhea an aw that. . . . See ya.

November 2001

copyright by Charles Henry

Yer . . . I’n confused.( it don’t take much) . . I don’t no wevver ta be ‘appy da IRA av poured cement down sum geezers outside privvy. . . . . be pleesed weem gonna give Bin Laden wot for. . . . Er sick as a pig cos it’ll be free yers befor ar anty Lils bloke can av a ‘ip replacement. . . Still wot ever dey says it’s a bleedin good day ta flog yer ‘owse before property prices collapses.

Government uv cloned sum more sheep. . . Twer aw rite till sum bugger tried ta castrate wun wiv a rubber ring like dey doos. . . .Deym still tryin ta get it’s ‘orns out uv da geesers backside. . . . an now deym makin’ out it dint start mooin’ till sum Tory git give it sum old animal feed wiv minced cow init !

Bristaws gonna go ahead an av Road Tolls. . . .Deym gonna charge everyone five quid to cum yer . . . sod dat I says, . . it aint good !. . . we might as well aw just cleer off now an go an live somewheres else.

Tony Martin av bin tawd ee aint a murderer. . . . Well, . . aw we new dat din us. . . .Wot I wonts ta know is wot good its doin’ lockin’ un up. . . Dey lets IRA murderers out uv Irish jails an den locks up dat poor sod fer defendin’ is ‘ome frum thieving gits in da middaw uv da bleedin night. . It strikes me me eev bin locked up cos ees a Tory farmer, . . not fer wot eev done!

Weem aw gonna be allowed ta grow pot now dey reccon. . . seems like deys decided dere aint enough coppers to stop us doin it any’ow. . . . I reccon weem aw gonna be allowed ta go shop liftin an aw soon then, cos dere aint no coppers on da streets ta stop dat eever. . . Still dey tells kids shopliftin aint really thievin any ow, so it ownt make much diffrence.

My bruvvers bin down da centre wiv is mates, dey wants ta stop da bombin’. Ee finks if you tawks ta bin Laden nicely eel say ees sorry. . . . Deym two uv a kind. . Ee ates me ya know! . . .Wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta put marmite in me orlicks an salt on me shredded wheat. Corse ar muvver never knew. . . She fawt ee wer luvly!. . . She still do!.
Weem gonna be allowed ta keep clippin’ kids yeroles an aw, . . not dat youd notice any bugger ‘ad bovered fer yers. . . Deym aw beatin’ up awd ladies now ta get money ta pay fer dere spliffs. . an teechers is aw stressed cos da buggers ownt do as dey’s tawd, an ownt lern nuffink no more. . .corse if you said ‘bend over, I’n gonna give you one’, dey’d fink you wus queer dese days!

Owse a Lords gonna be full a Tony’s Cronies now. Dere Lordships yoosed ta give government a kick up the ass wen dey needed it. . . Diss new lot ull jest be doin Blairs biddin’. An now wiv aw diss Labour sleaze catchin’ up wiv um. . .You can’t trust nun uv em! . . Dat lecturer git wot runs transport av bin caught lyin’ again. . . . I mean wot buggers gonna invest ‘is savin’s in anyfing if da bugger keeps pullin’ da plug. . . .We aw knows dey needs subsidies fer trains!. . . das why dey closed it aw down in da first place! . Ee lied ta dat BMW git, an now ee lied ta da regulator. Eel av ta go . . An dat Scottish git wer sublettin’ ‘is government offices makin’ a bit on the side wiv out tellin no one. Ee ‘ad ta go an aw!
Looks like IDS, . . you know, Smiffy, is getting’ da ‘ang uv ‘is new job leadin’ da Tories. Eev got a ‘ard job followin ‘Ague, cept Tonys tryin’ ta sneak Yorop on people again, Smiffy ownt put up wiv dat. . . . Ees a no nonsense bloke an won’t av no truck wiv Tony’s bullshit. . . Ees a plain speakin army man, an if Tony keeps up wiv ‘is double tawkin’ weazle words, Eel tell un!
‘Ague wer right I reccon. . . Tony ull probly wait fer summat ta appen like Sept 11th. An say ta Gordon ,” I reccon it’s a good day ta stick one on the ‘lecterate today. .We’ll bolish da pound tanite an tell um in da mornin’ .". . You no, . . . . like pinchin bums wen deres a power cut!. .

‘ant you never done that then ? . . . I’n off afor I gets arrested.

October 2001

Copyright by Charles Henry

Dere’s a ‘ill wind’ ar anty Lil reccons. . . Ood a fought da whole world ud a bin standin’ shawder ta shawder wiv George Dubya, . . . ‘cept da Liberals dat is. . . Middaw East av cawd a truce an eevin da IRA’s gonna av ta change, cos da whole world is pissed off wiv terorists wot kills peeple. . . . . . Iain Duncan Smiff av cawd a truce wiv Tony fer the duration, an da Liberal Democrats er finking uv callin’ umselves da Awd Labour Tootin’Alliance Party. . . Dey reccon if Osama bin Laden ud bin given a passport an a seat in da ‘owse a Lords, ‘eed uv helped us get more Afghan nurses ta prop up the ‘Elf service by now. . . . An nen deyed uv only ad ta put tax up a ha’penny!

Mine’ you, . . . aw dey on dat ship in Australia wus Afgans want dey. . . . Looks like weem aw gonna av ta sort out dey murderin’ gits so aw dey asylum seekers can go back ‘ome a get a proper job. . . I mean, dey can’t aw live yer can um!

Tonys in ‘is ‘element. . . Ee sqints ‘is eyes an makes ‘is bottom lip tremble. . ‘ee lets evry one know ‘ee nos ‘ow ta say big words propley. . . but ol’ George Dubya nos eev got ta stick one on Bin Laden before ‘ee an ‘is mad mullahs nukes da lot uv us.

My bruvvers got ‘is bleedin gas mask out fer ridin’ ‘is bike, the pratt. . . . Ee finks eel av ta go on air raid duty. . I sed to un if any one sees you wearin’ dat dey’ll take yer picture an’ phone up da zoo. . Ee ‘ates me ya know. . . Wen we wus kids we yoosed ta av ta wear ar poppies ta Sunday scool . . . . corse ‘eed take is off once we wus out da ‘owse . . so da uvver kids ud beat the crap out uv mine! . . . Corse eed get ‘is out aw perfick once we got ‘ome, an’ ar mum ud clip I round da yerole. . . . An ee wants ta get on da cowncil !

Yer pensions er lookin’ a bit iffy an aw!. . . . Stock Market don’t look too elfy do it. . . Ar anty Lils bloke reccons it ull mean we’ll aw av ta work till weem reely awd. . . Corse dey wot runs it er aw rite aint dey. . . Dey makes money wot ever ‘appens. . .Deym like bookies. . ‘Eds dey wins an tails aw you lot loses. . meeself I shall av ta sell da big issue down the docks er summat. . . mine you I still aint given up on da idea a goin’ ta university. . . . .Dey students er a soft touch. . . sum uv um aint too bright you know. . .deym only dere cos no bugger ull give um a proper job an dere mums don’t want um ‘ome..

I ‘ope aw dis “let’s be pals and not rock the boat” don’t go on fer too long er we wont av a cuntry left worf sixpence. . . . Deym still tawkin rubbish about C.J.D. . . . . Deym still not happy now deys killed ‘alf are cows wiv foot an’ mouf. . . . . now dey wonts ta kill aw are bleedin sheep an aw !. . . . . Ood be a bleedin farmer ? . . . Are anty Lils bloke reccons if we av anuvver war we’ll aw starve. . an if we ‘ave a anuver recession it’ll be like livin in da fird world, cept if yoom a pleecman, a social worker, a mp er a ’sylum seeker.

Wot about ID cards then. . . . Looks like weemn aw gonna av a computer chip stuck up are belly buttons, like wot dogs av intead uv goin in ta quarinteen. . . .You’ll go ‘beep’ when you goes frew customs, an if you don’t pay yer TV licence you’ll find as soon as you stop yer car anywhere in Bristaw, a traffic warden wiv new police powers ull stick you in leg irons an ‘av yer car towed away an put in da crusher. . . . Corse if yoom in da labour party it’ll play ‘ keep the red flag flying’ and debit yer bank account 10% of yer wages, an nen send you some new luminous bicycle clips.

“Errol!” . . crikes, she’s off. . . I’n off ‘ome before she finds out I aint legal.

August 2001

Copyright by Charles Henry

‘Ow do. . . well wot a summer!. . . . Foot an’ Mouf , Jeffrey Archer jailed fer pergery, da ‘Amiltons accused uv rape wen dey wernt evin dere . . . . . . evry wer you goes you got lyin gits lying about dere sex lives. . . . Wot did Clinton say, . . “I did not have sex wiv dat woman", . . . My bruvvers anuvver. . . You as ta count yer fingers if you shakes ‘ands wiv ee. . . Lord Geoffreys stories wus so tall ee ad ta buy a skyscraper office block ta putt aw is money in. . . I wer just finkin fings couldnt get no worse, an now Is just ‘erd Ol Argy-Bargy erself , ar squeaky clean, trubble makin, manic warden basher, Jean Tidy up Clifton Village, is leevin us an going ta torment sum uvver buggers cowncillers. . . . . . .Wot are we gonna do now ?. . . .Weel as ta advertize fer a replacement er da cowncil ull fink its Crismus.

Da Tory leadership bataw av been turnin’ a bit nasty. . . . Ar Anty Lil reccons if Ken Clarke wins she’ll be cancellin er membership. . . She reccons ever since dey ditched Maggie da Tories av bin messed up by they Euro Luvvies . . She reccons weem an Island so it don’t make no sense givin up are fishin an ar farmin, an nen opin we can live on sellin curried rice ta yoropean tourists an immigrants. . . Deys already started tryin ta put the boot inta Duncan-Smiff an I reccon eel av ta try an get a few workers on is side. I reccon eel av ta come up wiv a scheme fer more owses fer teechers an nurses in places like Lundun.

Dere ain’t much goin’ on dis time a yer. . . . Sum says it’s da silly season. . Owse prices in Bristaw is sky igh. . . . First time buyers don’t know wevver ta buy now er not. . . Sum peeple fink prices ull keep on goin up but are anty Lils bloke reccons wen prices is goin up they finks dey ownt stop just like wen theym goin down dey finks dey ownt stop. . . . Tony Blair finks ees King Kunoot. . . Ee finks if ee says we ain’t gonna av no more bust, it ownt appen. . . . Trubble is foot an mouf dint take no notice of un did it, so why do ee fink anyfing else ull take notice of un.

Ospitaws is as bad as ever. . Dat poor bloke died after bein on a trolley awday. . . ‘Elf service is safe in Tony’s ‘ands ee reccons. . Ah!. . safe as a EdgeOg on da M1. . . If you wants a pointment wiv yer docter dese days you as ta give un two mumffs notice, . . an nen wen you gets dere eel be on oliday an sum uvver geezer ull be dere oo don’t evin know if yoom left anded.. . . . Wot! . . I aint takin my trousers down fer no strangers!

My bruvver ad a close shave. . . Ee ates me ya know. . . . Wen we wus kids ee thought I were gonna get special treatment, cos are Docter gave are muvver a bottle of red pills fer er constipation. . . Corse ee fought dey wus sweets fer I sos ee goes and scoffs a load of um. . . Dat showed ee. . Ee dint cum out the toilet fer free days! . . Tawk abowt skid marks on the tail uv is shirt. . . Ee must a broken da world record.

If yoom a massekist yous bin watchin dey bleedin Ozzies stuff us in da cricket. . . Seems like deym aw weened on willow. . . . If you show um a red levver ball and dey got a bat in dere hand, dey finks it uv cum frum outer space and wack it back where it cum from. . . Only chance we got is if they Waugh bruvvers start takin bribes. . . Still I spose if you lives in a country wer aw da womens cawed Sheela, and deres nuffin else ta do ‘cept shoot crockadiles, er drink 4X , yoom bound ta get good at summat wooden.
( I opes they don’t know wer I lives)

I’n opin da bosses wife ull start trying ta ring I up at ‘ome tonight. . . . no, no, . no !. . not fer sex ! . . . Stress I means. . You know! . . sort of corperut naggin. . .das da latest scam, . . . you know, . . work shy uv the world unite, . . more maternal leeve, more bank olidays, . .

Oo needs O levels now any ‘ow ? I’n off !

July 2001

Copyright by Charles Henry

‘Ood be a leader uv a politcal party. . . . .You as ta be a massikist I reccon. . . . Da only wuns wots luvs you is yer muvver an yer publisher. . . . Aw da rest is stickin it to you, . . an even yer muvver ull be moanin’ if you gives yer wife more attention dan ‘er.

Wots gonna ‘appen now I wunders. . . Tonys got back in fer da duration an Gordy ull be spittin’ blood an pound coins. . . An now Mr. Portillo av gone frew da change a life ta try an be aw fings ta aw men. Women, yoovs , an’ illegal immigrunts uv any sexual persuasion. . . In fact any bugger as long as dey knows ‘ow ta put a cross on a ballot paper. . . . Ken Clarke av come out huffin an puffin’, (ees a bit over weight), like a spurned woman wots found out er replacement av bin dumped an aw. . . . . . . . . . . Trubble is ee still aint lernt ‘ow ta cook er wiggle if you sees wot I means.

Local elections wus rigged. . . Sum peeple went ta vote only to be tawd deyed already voted by post, an as usual da local press supported dey wots buggered up Britaw fer da last ferty yers. Now we’ll aw av ta wait till god knows wen before we gets any sense. Workin’ peeple ain’t reely got no bugger lookin out for um now. Tony only looks after aw is big bisness cronys now, an till old labour voters gives un a kick in da goolies eel jest keep ‘is eye on bein’ President.

Me bruvver av started ‘aving lessons in crisis management. . . Ee reccons dey’ll giv un a job in da ‘elf service. . . Ee ‘ates me ya no, wen we wus kids eed get are muvver ta let un take I wid un wen ee went bird nestin, . . . . Eed make I climb up ar anty Lils loft an get sparrows eggs. . . Ee wernt ‘appy wiv jest one. . . Eed make I put two in me mouf so’s I could climb back down. . . Nen eed shake da bleedin’ ladder. . . Nen I’d showt out “Ged off will you. . . ugh! “, speshly if dey wus addled . . . . An ee wonts ta get on da cowncil , da git.

Slobadob av ad is cumuppence an aw . . . Da yanks sed dey unt give da serbs nuffink unless dey turned da bugger over ta da werld court, da’ague er wot ever dey caws it. . . It looks like Mr Bush’s mate Colin Powell av got da measure uv ‘is job aw rite. . . . Wiv a bit a luck eel be avin ago at sum a dey uvver gits like Sadam an Castro an dat git in Rodeesha, Moogabee.

Norvern Irelands goin’ inta melt down. . . Da IRA ant given up no guns, an aint likely to. . . . I meen aw dat lot frum H block is out sunnin’ um selves on da Costa Brava, an dere leaders is aw on da guvernment gravy train, so wots da point!. . . . Down souf deys avin a boom wiv 6 Billion each yer uv are money frum Yorup. . . .Dey takes us all fer pratts, an dey ouldn’t be far wrong I reccon.

I’n depressed, even da bosses wife don’t wont sex no more, . . . not wiv I any’ow. . . . I used ta fink we ‘ad a special relationship but I fink it’s only wiv er sweepin’ brush now. . . I’n still only doin’ part time but either da boss uv ad a new lease a life, er da milkmans leevin er gold top now. . . I wer gonna see if I could get councilin’ so I rang da cowncil. . . Dey sent I form ta fill in.. .It said age if over 21 ? , I wrote, “not sure", den it sed sex so I wrote, “Yes". Den it says Nationality ? . . I fought sod dat, next fing they’ll wont ta know if I pulls da flush wiv me left ‘and an I’ll av ta pay cowncil tax, so I binned it.

Any ow if diss wevver keeps up dere’ll be a wa’ter shortage, so’s I’n goin round ar anty Lils ta water er garden, an wiv any luck she’ll give I feed a strawberries an are Ediff ull be sunbavin’.

I’ll av to remember not ta took too ‘appy. . . . See Ya.

May 2001

Copyright by Charles Henry

Can you beleeve it, . . weem gonna ave da ‘lection at last. . . I couldn’t a took no more mumffs uv ’shall we shant we’. Tony uv been doin ‘is ‘Trust me I’m a Docter’ act. . . We aw nos ee an aw is cronies is lyin’ gits, but ee finks weem aw stoopid ! . . . An I spose if ee gets in agen, ‘alf uv you buggers must be !

Da troof is ‘alf da country uv bin buggered by foot an’ mouf, an da uver ‘alf don’t give a monkey, cos theym aw on da gravy train wiv are taxes. . .Yer! . . uv you tried drivin’ on any country lanes lately ?. . . . If you aint careful you loses yer wheels down some bleedin’ great pothole. You’d fink Tony ‘adn’t ‘erd a tarmac ! Ee seems ta fink as long as ee gives kids cumputers ta play pornography on da ’superhighway’ it don’t ma’ter about da public ‘ighway.

I caught me bruvver tryin’ ta cadge a lift ta work wiv a bloke frum da tow truck firm. . . Corse they as free parkin’ don’t um. . . . Ee an ‘is lot tries ta get us ridin’ bikes an nen first time it rains, ees off cadging lifts!. . . Ee ‘ates me ya no. . Wen we wus kids ee yoost ta get are muvver ta let un stay ‘ome on ‘is berfday so’s ee could play wiv me train set. . . I’d get ‘ome an find eed turned me guards van inta a shelter fer ‘omeless gypos an aw me wheels ud be missin’! . . . . . . . An ee wants ta get on da council!

Da guvernment an da pleece reccons we aint got no crime, only da percepshun uv bleedin crime. . . . Funny aint it. . . . . We as ta barracade are ‘owses, stick bergler alarms on are cars, chain up are bikes ta lamp posts, an av aw they Big Bruvver Cameras in aw da shops an on streets. . . . . We catches da buggers an da judge sends um down, Nen six mumffs later Jack Straw lets da buggers owt agen. . . You couldn’t make aw diss up!

Tony’s tryin ta keepYorup off the election agenda. Ees ‘opin peeple ownt notice, an nen eel sneek it frew wen we aint lookin. . . . Ees still o’pen they’ll ask un ta be presidunt an weel aw av ta bow an scrape to un. . . . Trubble is more an more peeple across Yorup is wakin up ta aw da bleedin’ nonsense. . . . . . . Italy uv jest voted fer a man uv da peeple oo ownt av none uv dere messin wiv are liberty. . . Da Liberals uv lost da plot an aw. . . . .They finks weem aw stoopid an aw. . . . They wants more Tax, more Yorup, an more Big Bruvver, an wots more ol’ Kennedy aint even ‘ad a job sellin da Big Issue before ee cum a MP. . . Meself I reccon if they aw cleared off ‘ome da country uld get on an run itself.

Wot about ol ‘Two Jags’ givin dat farmer one, fer chuckin’ a egg at un. . . If da farmer ‘ad giv un a punch back, eed a been locked up fer life, like they wants ta do ta ole Ronny Biggs agen. Funny aint it. . . . If a copper fumps a bleedin lout. . . Dey locks up da copper. . . . If a teecher clips a kids yerole. Dey locks up da teecher. . . .If you fumps a burgler steelin yer valubles. Dey gives da burler legal aid and locks up you. But ole ‘Two Jags’ , ee does a ‘Enry Cooper an they makes a bleedin ‘ero of un. . . . . One law fer all they an’ sod da rest uv us.

Mine you Tony ownt go tawkin ta no strange women in da street no more. Ee don’t like finding out ow da rest uv us as ta live do ee. . . . Any ow, June da seventh an weel aw know wever we av ta leev da cuntry before Tony turns us over ta da Germuns er wevver it were aw a bad dream and da government have been fixin da ‘pinion polls ta get us ta vote fer um agen. . . . Yer ! . . . Tell I . . . . If da countries in such a wonderful state after four yers a Tonys Baloney . . . . . Why er we aw so pissed off ?

I’n off ‘ome ta ast are muvver.

April 2001

Copyright by Charles Henry

I’n a stutistic. . . I got me job back. . .well two ‘ours in da morin’ any ‘ow. . . . Minmum wage an’ no sex! . . .das wot dey calls Full Employment. . . . I’s employed an’ da guvernments full a sh. . .sh. . sh. . . oh I ant bet’ter say dat. . . Da ‘lections loomin’, an’ accordin’ ta Alister, Tonys gonna ‘ave anuvver landslide. . . . Gawd ‘elp Bristaw das wot I ses. . .Weem awready payin’ fer lesbian lessons down da cowncil ‘owse. . . If dey gets in agen dey’ll be ditchin’ clause 28 an’ be avin campin’ lessons on college green. . . . Boy scowts luvs goin’ campin’ don’t um.

Yer dust no anyone ‘oos got stocks an shares?. . Are anty Lils bloke reccons if yer penshun aint indexed yoom gonna be werkin till yoom 84. . . . Ee reccons yorups gonna take aw yer savin’s an giv ta da central bank cos nun a dey uv saved nufffink. . . . . Ee reccons theym aw ‘opin’ weem aw too stupid ta notice theym aw livin’ like lords while weem killin off are farmin’ an fishin’ an’ livin on pitzas an’ cheep wine.

Foot and Mouf ‘av got out uv ‘and. . . Aw da bullshit frum da guverment dint stop it spreadin’.
Instead uv getting’ stuck in an’ getting’ rid a aw da dead bodies dey pratts abowt lookin’ fer dere wellies. . .Weem tawd da cuntrysides open. Deym killin’ elfy animaws wots two miles frum a outbreak but wot I wonts ta no is wot bleedin road er cuntry pub is two miles frum sum poor buggers farm. . . .Nun wot I nos of.

My bruvvers ridin round wiv a sign on ‘is butchers bike sayin’. . . ‘SMOKE POT NOT TABACCO’. . ‘SAVE DA FARMERS’. . . Ee reccons if Tony lets da farmers grow Cannibus deyll save da cuntry side, . . be ‘appy fer ever more an aw vote laber. . . . I sed to un, . . I spose dere pigs ull fly um selves ta market an’ aw, an’ save on deesaw. . . . Ee ‘ates me ya know. Wen we wus kids ee used ta put is chewin gum in me pencil sharpener an use me pensils fer drum sticks. An nen wen I lernt ta rite da led in me pencil kept breakin’.

Teechers is goin on strike, dey reccen if Tony don’t urry up and sort out da bleadin’ mess. Education, Education, Education, wus wot ee sed. . . . Wot we got is ‘Dick’Ed’ rules an ‘Dick’Eds’ Dad ull give you wot for if you trys ta sort out ‘is degenerate ingrutt. . . . Till sum pratt sorts out da parents weem breedin’ ‘ordes a ‘ooliguns an deym growin up an breedin’ ‘undreds more! . . . Ar anty Lil reccons til we gets corperutt punishment back dey ont lern nuffink.

An guess wot! . . . ‘alf dey up London uv got TB now. . . Ar Anty Lil caws it consumshun, . . wot ever dat is. . . She reccons peeple were dyin’ uv it back before da war. She reccons da illegal immigrunts is givinit ta da locals. Corse ‘member I sed they dint av no TB jabs fer da kids an dey wus givin da studunts jabs fer meningitus fer a smoke screen. . . . Ah well I wernt far wrong wer I. . . 400 ‘undred dies a TB every yer but only a few dies a mad cow.
Da Round’Eds is out in force agen tryin ta bump off da Queen. Sum sneaky sods frum da newspapers cons ol’ Sophie Wotsit inta spillin da beans. . . I mean we aw nos Tony’s misses ‘ates angimals. . . First fing she did were chuck da bleadin’ cat out uv No.10. . . It shount be no surprise Sophie finks theym aw lefty drongos. . . . I meen Tony don’t reely fink da royal famly is socialists do ‘ee ? . . . I meen next fing eel be wantin’ um ta fly da red flag over Buck ‘Owse.
Any ow if you dint fill in yer sensuss proply you’ll aw be up ‘orfield fer Chrimus, so you might as well stick yer loose change in me ‘at wen you comes by an’ save payin da tax.

It’s bleedin’ rainin’ agen. . . I’n off ‘ome.

February 2001

Copyright by Charles Henry

It’s bin a bit cawd owt yer lately. Crismus wer a ‘elluv a long time ago now wernit. ‘Twernt much fun any ow. I went ta are anty Lils some days. Twer awrite cept ‘er bloke wanted I ta ‘elp ee pinch Crismus trees, an I ount do it. . . . I dint wanna spend Crismus inside did I. . . Ee don’t need da money any ow . . .Wot wiv ‘is bad back, an ‘is bad leg, an ‘is compensation fer trippin’ up down da centre. . . . I Tell ee wot tho, dat MP awt ta get a few fowsand fer brakin’ er bleedin arm. . . . shame wan’it.. . . It could’nt a ‘appened ta a nicer person. . . Meself Ive ‘ad ta resort ta playin me flute. Well I says playin it but reely da trick is ta drive um aw mad playin’ wrong notes. . . I reccon dey finks I’n simple so dey sticks summat in me ‘at jest ta shut I up.

Seems like we’ll be ‘avin a genral ‘lection in April er May. Gordy ull be dishin out a few goodies in da budget. ‘EeL be ‘opin da stockmarket don’t sink no ferver . Ees ‘appy ta take credit fer good news but ee don’t like takin da blame fer any bad news. Any ow eel blame Eddy George if it aw starts goin pearshaped.

Mr. ‘Ague uv ‘ad da last laff wiv donations. . . Da Laber party ‘ad loads uv rich gits givin they millions an millions fer dere fightin’ fund an nen dey wus makin’ out da tories ud struggle ta get none. . . Nen diss uvver rich git gives old ‘Ague five million and says ee might give sum more if dey needs it. . . . Corse Blair can’t say nuffink cos ee started it dint ee. Wot a laff.

Mandy av bin economicaw wiv da troof agen. . . Sum forin geezer av got a British passport affter ee wer gonna giv five million quid ta da Millenium Dome. . Corse ee makes out dere wernt no ‘anky panky an dey wer jest nice peeple oo wants ta liv yer an any ow dey only got a paltry million quid in da end. Das peanuts fer aw dey. . . Corse ee tells porkys an drops Tony’s buggerygard rite init so guess wot, Thas rite, . . . You are da weekist link Mandy, . . . . .Fly off!. . . . . cept ee keeps ‘is big Jag, ee keeps is coppers to protect un, an ‘is penshun. . . . . Mine you deres still sum more ta come out yet, . . . you wait an see!

Bentawls av gone ant dey. . . My bruvver reccons dey wer too posh fer Bristaw, but I tawd un, . . . It wer pratts like ee oo finks weem aw gonna ride round on bikes wot dunnit for um. . . . Ee ‘ates me ya no, . . .wen we wus kids we used ta ride on da escalaters down Lewis’s. . . . Ee used ta run up da down ones, upsettin aw da customers, corse I’d be stuck dere goin down wiv aw on um wernt I, . . I,d be gettin’ aw da aggro. . .den deyed tell da manager, an I’d be chucked out on me yerole. . . an now ee wonts ta be da bleedin Mayer! Da lyin git! Sum ‘ope! . . John Lewis ad da rite ideal yers ago. . . . Ged out uv it while yoom ahead. . Lets ‘ope Dingles can do bet’er down Broadmead dan up Clifton. . . . At least dey’ll av a nice new store.

Yer, . . I don’t fink thees bet’ter hang about too long if thees goin in ta av yer tonsils out. . . . Next fing dey’ll be taken yer leg off ta give ta sum ta sum geezer wot lost ‘is in da war. . . Deys been pinchin allsorts a bits an pieces off uv dead bodies an aw. . . Mine don’t spose it ‘erts once yoom dead do it. . . . I mean sum uvver bugger mite be glad uv me liver. . . .Da cider ant done un much good, nor are aunty Lil’s curry but I spec deres a few miles left in un.

Did you vote fer more cowncil tax?. . no . .nor did are muvver . . . sums got more money dan sense mine you! . . . . Meeself I reccon dey should swap a couple a ‘undred civil servants fer teechers. . .Eever dat er pay um less! . . . Civil servints I means not teechers.

Well looks like da cuntryside march down Lundon ull be off now cos uv foot-in-mouf. . . I reccon Tony got they animal rights gits doing that. Cept if weem spose ta beleev da polls weel av ta put up wid un fer anuvver five yers any ow. . . . I jest ‘ope da polsters av bin tawkin ta eechuvver an not reel peeple. Mine you da Liberals reccon Somerset peeple wants ta pay loads more cowncil tax an we knows dat aint true..sos dere ‘ope fer us aw yet.

……It’s too cawd out yer now. I’n off ‘ome.

December 2000

Copyright by Charles Henry

Stone me. . . Never fought I’d be out yer agen. . . Just afore Crismus an’ aw. . . . Bosses wife wern’it. . . She jest cou’nt cope wiv avin a gert ‘elfy ‘unk like I, doin ‘er evry biddin’, an nen sayin’ “no” wen she wanted a bit uv anky panky". . . . Don’t Laff! . . . I’n ‘avin ‘er fer sexual ‘arrissment. . . . It ‘wernt my fawt da boss aint got a ‘Good Saterday Nite’ left in un! . . . . . . I ‘ad ta get me dog back agen , but dey aw reccon diss lark don’t pay no more since Tony tawd evryone not ta give money no more. . . I’ve ad peeple offrin’ I chips an’ sanwidges, an’ aw stuff like dat. . . Thas no good . . . I shant ‘ang abowt out yer long fer aw dat nonsense. . . I wonts cash money don’t I.

Yer, . . av you ‘erd it aint safe goin ta ospittaw no more! . . . Dey reccons fousands a peeple er dyin’ frum bugs dey catches wen theym in nere. . . . Dey reccon deres dese sooper bugs wot if you catch um, . . dey aint got no cure! . . Dey’ll av ta sort dat out er peeple ‘ownt wanna go in dere, even if theym bad! . . Are Anty Lils bloke reccons fings wer alot bet’er wen dey ‘ad Matrins. . . Ee youst ta go cortin’ wiv a big bird oo wan’ed ta be a matrin. . . Ee says she wer a student I fink. . . Ee reccons she ‘ount let you do nuffink if you dint wash yer ‘ands proper first. . . Busty Beryl ee cawd ‘er. . . . . . . Ee dint ‘alf av clean ‘ands in dey days mine you!

Wot abowt aw dese killins an’ merders den. Some young bloke got beet up an killed down Weston way and up Lundun sum poor littaw immigrunt kiddo bleeds ta deff after sum bugger sticks a nife in is leg. Nen sum youngun gets killed down da town yer in Bristaw. . . Trubble is we’s got less coppers now dan we ‘ad two er free yers ago. . . . Its getting like you ownt feel safe nowhere nomore. . . Guvernment keeps on makin’ excuses, but dey can’t keep on blamin’ da tories fer everyfing. . . . . It’s gettin’ past a joke now.

Guvernment don’t like it cos Mr. ‘Ague ses ees gonna cut taxes. . . . Fing is aw dey gits oo wants taxes up is get’in payed too much any’ow, . . . . weem awready givin aw dey extra ta pay dere taxes, off are taxes. . . . Aw dey in White’all seems ta fink da tax sytem wer invented fer dey ta live like lords, wol aw we slaves, works away tryin ta scratch a livin’. . . Woss aw diss crap abowt Boom an’ Bust dey keeps on abowt, . . .’Aff da poor sods wot works on da land is desperate an goin bust, . . . oo da ‘ell da dey reccons gonna keep da countryside up tagevver wen theym aw gone?. . . Pratts like my bruvver! . oo fink its jus’ dere fer dey ta trapes around on?. . . .

Ee ‘ates me ya no, wen we wus kids ee youst ta fink babies cum frum da midwife. . . Ee used ta fink aw you ‘ad ta do wer fone er up, an nen one day she’d bring one wiv ‘er. . . Corse wen are muvver wer pregnant fer I , she tawd un she wer gonna av a ‘appy event an av anuvver baby!. . . Corse, ee tells da nurse not ta bring no boy ones or eed strangle it! . . . an nen a few days affter out pops I! . . . Wot?. . . are muvver sed ee wer dredfull, . . . she sed she coul’n't leave I alone wiv un fer more dan two yers!. . . an even nen ee tried ta stick a bicicle pump up me nose. . . . Eev ad a fing abowt bikes ever since.

In da ‘States, affter weeks un weeks uv, ‘Is it Mr.Gush, er Is it Mr. Bore’, it looks like Theym settlin’ fer Mr. Gush. . . . Jest us well reely. . . .Ol’ Dubyas ‘appily married an’ we can’t av no more a dat Toe Suckin’ an aw dat nonsunce in da White ‘Owse, now can we?. . . Dubya strings up aw dey murderin’ gits, an’ ee’ll make sure weem awrite if ever we needs any ‘elp wiv any forin’ geezers, . . . . . an thas wot reely ma’ters aint it.

Well, I’ve ‘ad firty bob taday, . . Wot Goods Dat. . . .

Looks like I’ll ‘av ta sell me body affter aw. . . . Ah well I’ll live in ‘ope.

November 2000

Copyright by Charles Henry

Awtums yer agen! . . next fing it’ll be Crismus!. . Wot abowt da petrul crisis den. . Tonys a bit put out ain’t ee. . . Ee still dont ged it mine you, do ee. It aint jest Farmers an Lorry drivers oos pissed off, its evryone you tawks to. . . if ee aint very careful. It’ll be da end of un.

Dey give old Slobadob da eev ho dint um! . . dat were werf watchin’.. . Peeple power dat were, no messin. . . dere’s a few around da world wanna take note. Yorup fer a start. dey in Belgum ‘ad da rite ideal an aw. . . It’s cummin ta summat wen you as ta keep watchin yer back ta make sure sum buggers in government somwhere dont try an get above umselves. . . Dey fergets, da world went ta war ta stop aw diss dictater nonsense, an if dey keeps tryin it on weel av ta smack um one.

Deym tryin ta rubbish bein’ Bri’ish now. Youd a fawt dey’d a lernt summat after da ‘lympics. Seein aw ar afleetes rappin umselves in da Union Jack an singin’ God save da Queen. But no! dey just keeps on peddlin dere lefty proaganda. . . Wot dey wants is a piddlin Souf West Regional government so’s aw dey luvvies can get tagevver a pretend deym important. . . Corse, aw we ull av ta pay fer it, own’t we!

Bristaws got ta put up wiv da bleedin’ laber lot down da cowncil fer a bit longer after da local election. It wer a bit close. Corse lots a dey down soufville finks dey liberels is aw rite but deym nerly as bad as laber wiv yorup an cars, an tax, an aw dat.

Da wevvers bin givin evryone grief. Some poor sods ‘as bin flooded two er free times already an it’s only November. . . . Corse aw da profits a doom is ‘avin a feeld day aint they. . . . Climit Change, Global Warmin, da Norf Pole’s gonna melt. . . . I’n sick a yerin’ abowt it. . . Fing is, Two Jags still got ‘is Two Jags, Aw dey buggers in Lundon carrys on livin it up on ar taxes an da bleedin Teechers is aw so stressed they as ta keep flyin’ off on ‘oliday on daey filfy jet planes.

Goverments still kickin’ da farmers an da Tories over BSE. Now dey reccons if you liquidates da spinal nerves uv a sick cow, (one wiv BSE I means, not me bruvvers girlfrend) an nen injects a sheep wiv it, da sheep ull catch it an aw!. . . . well I seys!, stop bleedin doin it nen! or dey’ll aw ged it.
Dey ‘ownt take tellin’ do, yer wastin’ yer breff wiv dey!

Me bruvvers started phonin’ da pleece evry time ee sees a tracter on da road, ee swears blind dey’m aw goin’ shoppin, er goin’ down the docters er summat usin’ Red Deezaw. . . I tawd un, if ee wer ta keep is mouf shut a bit mor, an stop tawkin’ ‘ot air, we could aw av two Jags an ee could flog ‘is bike. . . . Ee ‘ates me ya no!. . . Wen we wus kids an ‘ad ta walk ‘ome frum skaw, ee used ta make I carry ‘is sachel. . . Corse wen we wus late ‘ome, ‘eed tell are mum I’d been skuffin me shoes an walkin in da road. An aw da time ee wer tryin ta shove I under a bus. . . An ee wants ta get on da cowncil, da git!

Yer! uv you ‘erd abowt dat fish wot you ‘angs on the wall an it sings “Take me back ta da River". . . . Dey reccon Two Jags gave Tony one. . . Wot dey should uv done is give un one wiv a modaw uv Mandy Meddlesum puckering up ‘is lips an singin’ “Lets get ta gevver, you an me", “Ewe know I’ll never find anuvver Ewe” er “Please don’t ‘ang me out ta Dry, I’ve only got eyes for you". Mine you, one wiv Gerry Adams ‘oldin a gun and showtin’ “Bang” might be mor fittin’.

Well I dunno I’n seriusly finkin’ uv ‘andin in me notice. . . Ive werked yer fer quite a long time now, an’ da bosses wife still gives I grief. . . I’m finking uv seein’ if I can get compensashun fer sexual ‘arrisment agen. . . I used ta fink if I played me cards right I could be ‘er Toy Boy, but da way fings er workin’ out, ever sinse I sed I smoked pot wen I wer on remand, de only bodily functions she da wont I for, is carryin’ er shoppin, washin’ up, an clearin’ up dogs mess on da pavement. I fought wen she first ast I if I’d ad any experience uv ladies Millinery, she ment knicker bockers an aw dat. Corse I fownd out since, boss wer gonna do ‘owse clearance an aw dey awd biddies aways as loads of old ‘ats.

“ERROL” . . . Bloody ‘Ell. . . She’s off agen.. . . I’n out uv ‘ere now!

September 2000

Copyright by Charles Henry

Can’t beleeve it!. . . Just as we aw gets used to a bit uv peece an quiet an’ a place ta park, wiv aw da students out da way, da buggers is back agen in dere ‘ordes cloggin’ up da streets wiv dere bleedin’ cars, . . an diss time a yer we got aw da nu freshers an aw. . . I dunno where da buggers gets dere money. . . I ain’t even got a pushbike!. . . . I shouldn’t uv sed dat, I takes it back. . . You ‘ouldn’t see I on no pushbike no ‘ow. Bike Ridin’s fer pratts an puffters like me bruvver. . . Any ‘ow Bristaws aw ‘ills aint it. . . . Wot goods a bike?
Dey reccon Bristaws da slowest citee in England. . . I ain’t suprised!. Da cowncils spent yers closin’ aw da roads an stickin traffic lites an crossins in stewpid places. An’ weem aw daft enuff ta let um do it. Apart frum pubs an eetin places, the centre uv Bristaws dyin’. Corse da new stuff down ‘Arberside, At Bristaw an aw dat, mite ‘elp stop da bleedin’ rot, but I shouldn’t ‘old yer breff.
Are muvvers seein if she can take on a couple uv illegals. . She reccons deres ‘undreds of um wiv nowhere ta live. . She reccons it’ll pay better than er carers allowance fer er bloke, an’ any’ow theym gettin suspicious obout ‘is limp ever since sum bugger saw un down Eastville avin a punchup. Ee recconed ee were bein’ mugged, ‘cept we found out later da uvver bloke were a Jovas Witness oo works fer da cowncil.
Wot abowt da bleedin French nen, blockin da tunnel an da ferries. Ow is it they gets away wiv it, an when are lot, farmers er fishermen an they trys it, da government and da beeb makes out theym breaking da Law an wonts da plod arrestin um, cept diss time Blairs bit off more n ee can chew, if ee don’t give in, eel be out next time fer shore. Are Anty Lils bloke reccons if theres anuvver war, well av no fishin, no farmin, no factries, no caw mines, no bugger makin bullets er bombs, no ships an no ‘ope. . . Ee ‘opes da IRA blows up da tunnel.
‘Ighways Afority stuck it to us aw when dat bad crash blocked Norf Bound M5. First excuse an they closes Souf bound an aw!. . . It were like Crismus fer they wern it!, couldn’t believe dere luck could um. . . Grid Lock Souf West at a stroke. It’s da same yer in town, they buggers up evry bleedin road an nen tells us its are fawt. There ‘as ta be a few ‘eds rollin up ther afor they does fer aw of us. . . . My bruvver wants ta werk fer they, ee luvs aw dat. Wen we were kids ee ‘ated I so much ee used ta push I out on da Zebra Crossins an make da cars screech to a ‘awt. Ee luved it wen da drivers blew dere ‘orns an swore out da window at un. Eed make rude signs an nen run off laffin. . . Scared I ta deff dinnit!. . It sno wonder I stuters!
Yer woss aw that abowt Pryministers wife defending sum feedofile, er peedophile er wot ever they caws they scum. . .Wots goin on then ?. . They gets legal aid an aw. Its ‘appenin’ again init, they takes are money an uses it like its bleedin momopoly money printed just fer they aw ta av a good time. An da bloody dome an aw, thas da same. . . Millions an Millions uv are money! ‘Ow much more uv diss nonsence ull peeple put up wiv afor they sticks it ta Blair an ‘is money grabbin’ cronies. Bosses wife reccons Blairs days is numbered, da sooner we as a ‘lection da better. She says it takes alot ta get peeple goin but once they do deres no stoppin um. She says it were like it in da war. . No one wanted a war, but once they started it, we finished it.
Yer ‘ow cum one famly a ’staystills’ can sell dere bit a ground ta da cowncil an nen they puts in dozens uv travler famlys causin’ grief instead. Typical laber con trick that, aint it. . . You couldn’t trust this lot wiv yer old grannies false teef. . . Theyed take um down da market, stick um on gawd(gold) chains an sell um off as twelf centry mongolese castinets. Thas if they din’t try an recycle um first.
Next fing they’ll be digin up da roads and sticking cables, gantrys an that fer Trams. . . I can’t see it meself. . . We aint got no room fer buses any ow, but a least they uses roads like da cars even if they is empty most uv da time. If they causes any more congestion in Bristaw it’ll be like France when they goes on strike. Trubble is none uv da buggers oo wants trams as ta make a livin yer. I wish they’d aw bugger off back where dey cum from an leave us aw alone. It were awrite afor they went ta war against cars an let Cribbs ave aw da bisness. Any ow if they lets any more in, dere ‘ont be no room fer none us us yer no more.

. . . . “ERROL #*#*#!” . I’n off.

July/Aug 2000

Copyright by Charles Henry

Wot joo reccons gone wrong fer poor old Tony then ? . . . Bosses wife reccons eev bin rumbled ! . . . . . First da WI lets un no you can’t pull da wool over dere eyes , an next peeple can’t understand why da buggers sa wurrid abowt Fox ‘untin while we got ‘ooligans roamin Yorup an undreds uv illegal immigrunts tryin’ da get on labers gravy train. . . . Eed ravver make criminals out uv fowsands uv law abiding cuntry peeple than get on wiv da job ees sposed to. . . She reccons ees trying ta start a class war, cept ‘alf they untin’, shootin’ an fishin’ lot is ordinery workin’ blokes, . . . women an aw!. . . . She reccons eev blown it now an she’ll vote fer ‘Ague next time. . . . I likes ‘is wife meeself,. . wots ‘er name?.. Feyon?. . .summat like that. . . Keeps ‘er mouf shut don’t she, . . that ‘ould suit I!

They pratts down Boadmead still seem ta fink peeples goin ta go shoppin’ on dere bikes! . . . They just don’t ged it do um. John Lewis left cos Cribbs av got a bleedin’ great Car Park an that new lot wot cum yer ‘av found out da same fing!. . . Ow many more stores ull av ta close down afor some bright spark decides ta clear a space fer a bloody great car park an turn off a few red traffic lights. Mine you they pratts in Baff av been readin’ frum da same bleedin ‘im sheet ant they. . . . Corse all they gits wot gets on da cowncil gets dere wages anyow. . . . Sod da bleedin’ shopkeepers they says. . . . Wen aw they got is pubs, cafes an knockin’ shops full uv druggies an drunks it’ll be too late. . . . You can’t tellum tho!. They ownt listen.

Da bleedin germans er ‘avin da world cup. . . . Well it’s Yorup aint it! . . . They rules da roost now. Best fing I reccon any’ow, … p’raps now peeple a reelize Yorups abowt doin’ wot yer told by all they in Brussels. You can’t beleeve a word any of the buggers tells you. Theym all like a load a leeches suckin’ yer blood an nen sayin’ its fer yer own good. Instead uv givin’ is boy a clip round the yer fer makin’ un look an evin bigger pratt than usual, getting’ pissed an’ nen arrested, . . Tony’s tryin’ ta launch ‘New Improved New Labour’, aw we need now is da cash back coupons!. . . . Are Anty Lil reccons ees spinnin’ out uv control an it’ll aw end in tears. . . . She reccons da reality on da street don’t match up ta aw ‘is bullshit. . . . . . . . It’s da same wiv me bruvver, ‘ee rides round on is bleedin bike, wiv ‘is face mask and ‘is poncy ‘elmit, aw soopeerier, . . nen ‘ee swans off on bleedin ‘oliday in one uv they filfy ‘airplanes causin’ more pollution thun da Duke uv York’s men after they’s bin eetin’ bad baked beans. . . . . Ee ‘ates me ya no, my bruvver! . . Wen we wus kids ee used ta spend ‘is dinner money on fags. . . It used ta give un assma. . . I tawd are muvver ee ‘ouldn’t ged it if ee didn’t in’ale. . . Corse she fawt I meant ‘ee shouldn’t breev (pitee ee do) !. . . . When she found out da troof, she belted un, an nen ‘ee belted I!. . . an ‘ee wonts ta get on da cowncil , da basket!

Gordons gonna start spendin’ some uv are bleedin’ money eev stolen. Ee finks weem aw stupid!. . Ee finks weem gonna say “Oh fank you Gordy” wen just before da next ‘lection ‘ee starts ta give sum uv it back. . . . . This lot treats are tax money like it wus cumpany profits an theym da bord uv directers all avin a bleedin’ neesup wiv dere cronies , while we aw pays! Well I reccon enuffs enuff , we wants it aw back!
Da ‘om secrety finks ees abuv da law. wot awt ta ‘appen is stop aw dees dafty speed restrictions on da moterways an keep it aw movin’. Wots da point in avin modern futeristic cars if weem aw sposed ta av a pratt wiv a red flag walkin in front. wot we wants is cars on roads, peeple on footpaves, an bikes in da hedge! thas not too difficult is it?

Wot abowt the littaw princess nen. Dat young Sarah, poor littaw luv. Dat reely upset I, . . .
Bring back ‘Angin fer bleedin perverts. I says. They’s got ta catch dat eevil bastard wot done fer ‘er . . . An we wants nun uv they liberal luvvies tryin’ ta stop us givin’ un wot for. Are ‘anty lils bloke reccons if they catch un, ee ownt survive long in jail, an if they wants volunteers fer ‘Ang Man, Eel do it fer nuffin’. I told un, sorry mate, you’ll ‘av ta wait at da end uv da quew.

Tawkin abowt quews, I’ll av ta go or I’ll miss me bus ‘ome.

June 2000

Copyright by Charles Henry

Spring sprung in da end, I fawt we wus aw gonna get washed away back abit but I got me suncream out ready now cos if I start goin’ brown dey’ll eiver deport I or send I down ‘orfield fer exposin’ meself. . . Ken got da job in Lundun and Tony got a good stuffin’ in da local elections. Looks like ‘eve got a fight on is ‘ands now. I reccon if Tony Martins still in jail when da next election comes they’ll kick un out. Peeples ‘ad enuff uv aw dey fievin’ gits, summat ‘as ta change. ‘Ague nos wot ee tawkin’ abowt I reccon.
Da Cowncils bein’ run by da dirty ‘alf dozen now.(well eight any’ow) . Da deaf (death) squad. . . Its gettin’ more like Russia, they’ll ave a meetin in da ladies toilet, phone up a couple of da uvvers, cock up summat else, an’ nen try an tell us das deemocracy. Bristaw used ta be a good place now theys turned it into a place fer Luvvies at Lunch Time an’ Tossers at 10 a-clock.

I ‘erd next fing da guvernments gonna ban Jury Trials an’ Magistrates!, deys already done fer legal aid unless yoom a croney. We’ll av yoof out uv control cos now deys jailed sum poor favver fer given ‘is boy a clout fer moufin off. Crist if yer favver cant stop you, an yer teachers too stessed, an’ da Pleece only care if yoom doing Ferty Two in a Ferty Mile Limit. Wot ‘ope is dere. . . . Da Looneys as takin over da ‘Sylum.

Next fing weel be ‘avin sex adverts on telly dey reccon. I ‘erd deys gonna legalise protitution an drugs. . Its bad enuff ‘avin ta ‘ear abowt sum birds period wen yoom sat in front uv da telly avin yer supper wivout aw dat. . . Deys already got pervert programs on channel 5, an da BBC cant do nuffin wivout sumones gettin’ rogered. . . .My bruvver likes it, Ees on da internet!. . das aw dat is, porn fer perverts like ee. an da guvernment wonts aw da school kids on it an aw! . . Ee ates me ya know, wen we wus kids an ‘ee wer playin docters an nurses wiv ar Ediff, Ee used ta make I take ‘er dog fer a walk wile ee took er tempercher an ‘ad a look fer er Umbalical Cord. . . . An ‘ee wants ta get on da cowncil, tawk abowt Clapham Common!, . . . .Wots it aw cummin to?

I aint gonna tawk abowt da da bleedin baybee. If ‘ee dint av da sense ta ‘ave da bleedin snip thas ‘is lookout, serves un right, bleedin irresponsible I reccon, an a poor example ta da younguns. Ar anty Lil reccons deres nuffin more borin nan uvver peeples kids, speshly baybees. You got dese women moaning now abowt not avin a cresh in parlament. I mean wot da ‘ells goin on?. . . Dey wants aw da pleasure an nun uv da pain. If dey wonts kids dey should bleedin stay ‘ome an look after um I reccon. Das ‘alf da trubble taday no buggers lookin after da bleedin kids. an deym aw turnin inta ‘ooliguns.

Weem bein’ stitched up over Genetic Food aint we. Dey finks weem aw stupid! . . . Dont tell I dey dint no wot dey wus doin’. Too late now aint it. . Its out dere everywhere an dere’s nuffin we can do cept ‘ope to ‘ell it dont change nature an kill us aw. Someone should pay fer that I reccon. If da Tory’s has ta get da blame fer BSE, wen deres more a chance uv gettin a dose a Clap den ol Blair ‘as ta take da blame fer gentic food. . . . . No Risk!. . . ‘ow da ‘ell do ‘ee ‘no?

I’n finkin uv takin GCSE. Dey reccon you can do it aw on computer now an take as long as you like. Not like wen ar anty Lils bloke took ‘is. In dem days you ‘ad proper tests an if you dint know it on da day youd ‘ad it. Dey reccon now dey judges you on yer yers work. Corse das awrite wiv socalology an dat , but wiv maffs if you don’t no you’ve ‘ad it. . . . If dey says wots da shortest distance between two points, its no good sayin, “A number 9 bus". Cos since deys buggered up the centre it’s probly quicker by scateboard. . . . I spec dey ast dat girl at Oxford if she’d cum wiv er Mater. . . . She probly sed she wer still single and dint believe in sex before marriage, an they fought, ” Stroof she ‘ont fit in yer".
Look at da bleedin time, Bosses wife sed if I ‘adnt finished I’d ave ta stay late wiv ‘er.

Yer!. . . Joo reccon das sexual ‘arrisment?

May 2000

Copyright by Charles Henry

Well; . . everyone I no’s pissed off.!. . Dat famous last budget av left most people I tawks to werse off. Less a corse youm a single muvver wiv ten kids, two adopted.. . Don’t smoke, don’t drink an can’t drive. Cos den sum uvver bugger ull av ta pay all yer bills.. . . I tell ee wot thou, last yer you ‘ouldn’t a givin old ‘Ague a cats in ‘ells chance uv winnin’ da next election,. . but now I dunno!. . . Suddenley it’s aw goin pear shaped fer Tony baby. Aw ‘is waffle av cum ‘ome ta roost. . . You got Rover, You got da Farmers, You got Yorop an da Pound too strong, You got ‘owses going sky ‘igh, You got da Ken an Dobbo road show. . . I tell ee wot, ‘is misses ull ave ta ave triplets ta get un out uv diss ‘ole. . Cheep loans fer nurses fer ‘owses seems like a good scam fer votes, . . trubble is, why jest nurses?. . I mean deres loads a people wots avin a tough time gettin a ‘owse. . . Bosses wife reccons deres one law fer dey wot works fer da guverment an sod da rest. She reccons wen dey started up dey ‘ad a lock up shop an ee an er used ta sleep in da store room an cook wiv a primus stove. Corse ‘elf an safety ‘adn’t been invented den ta make everones life a misery. . . . An wot abowt dey younguns wot wer born in villages an don’t like cities. Da farmers is buggered sos deres no jobs an evin if dere wer theyed get paid less dan I!.

Did you no it cost about 180,000 fowsand pound a job ta get ‘alf dey gits off dae dole in this ‘New Deal’ lark.. .. If some bugger ‘ad a tawd I, ar anty Lil ould uv kicked a few a dey buggers up da ass like she did I, an’ nen dey could uv bought a few ‘owses fer some nurses ta rent an built a couple uv new ‘ospittaws an all. . . . My bruvvers seein’ if ee can get a job doin’ wellfare work. Ee reccons wellfare is da groaf industry of da 21st Sentry. . . I tawd un it twernt, I tawd un it twer da dot.com people who ‘ad it made now. . . Ee said oh no, what’ll ‘appen now, dey’ll tax aw dey an spend it aw on wellfare fer illegal immigrants.. . Ee ‘ates me ya no, wen we wus kids ar anty Lil ‘ad a job down da Salvation Army ‘elpin get stuff fer Barnardos at Crissmus. . . Ee only ‘elpt is self ta ‘aff me stamp collection an’ me Beano Annuals, an nen tells ‘er dey wer ‘is, an dint give nuffin ‘iself, da git, . . . ‘an ee wonts ta get on da cowncil!

Dey reccon deys fixed da Fowntains up da Vic rooms, . bowt time. Corse now dey wants bisness ta pay fer da upkeep. Theys wasted aw dat money down da bleedin Centre doin’ sumfin noone wants now theys got da bloody cheek ta ast bisness ta pay more on top uv bisness rate after theys messed up all da roads an sent people out Cribbs. . I tell ee, you couldn’t make aw diss up!. . dey gits down da docks av pulled anuver one over everyone. dey ‘ont be appy till deys filled dockland wiv Tin Sheds . dey buggers ull build sum old rubbish nun uv us wonts, an nen deyll be off.. . You ‘ownt see dey fer dust.!

Wot abowt da bleedin Banks. dat can’t be right! Are Anty Lils bloke reccons deym makin aw diss money now cos uv ‘igh Interest Rates an Credit Cards, Ee says deys got a percentage on Every Deel, its like da Mafia.. . An da only way we can stop um is ta tell um aw ta get stuffed an go back ta ‘avin ar wages, cash in ‘and. . . Ee says a few mumfs uv ‘Sod Off You Buggers’ an dey’ll soon be back wantin are bisness. . Ee reccons wivout aw uv us deys got nuffin. . Deym out a bisness. . Ar Anty Lil reccons ees dissleptic er summat, she reccons if it wernt fer that eed a bin a Nuclear Fisisist er a Docker, She says wen ee wer young ee were like Big Bertha down the pub, big up front an no visible means uv support. She never new wot she saw in un den. . . She do now, Eev just ad a big win on da National.

I’ve just ‘erd Global Warmin means its gonna get colder now, not ‘otter! Seems ta me, wen dere wer a drowt, ” Thas it", dey says “not enough rain, . waw’er bills as ta go up". . .den it don’t stop bleedin rainin’ fer mumfs, An’ its “ah well its Climit Change” an weem gonna av Wet Winters. . Weem still payin mine’ you! . . Now da Gulf Streams gonna go tother way an’ its gonna get bleedin COLDER. . . An deym aw being paid fortunes ta tell us aw diss rubbish.

Errol!…Errol?. . Have you seen what time it is, Get back in here now!

March 2000

Copyright by Charles Henry

“Beware da Ides a March” dey ses!. . . Sod da Ides a March I ses,… ” Beware da bleedin cowncil” more like. . .Wot irriots puts fowntains in da centre wen we’ve ‘ad proper fowntains up da Vic rooms fer yers an dey can’t even look affter dey propley!
I ‘ad free(3) praposals on da 29th. a Febrey. . . Wun awd lady wiv a mustash, wun geezer wiv ear rings an’ Blue ‘air oo smelt like a perfume counter, an anuvver bird oo sed she liked da look uv me brush , an ast I if I wanted ta go up Cabot Tower. . . . She wernt too bad, cept I went up dere an waited a ‘our an a ‘aff an’ she dint come, an wen I got back it wer dark an’ me brush wer gone!. . . Deym aw da same dese women, dey only wants ee fer one fing.

Kens runnin’ fer Lundon Mare. . . Good on yer Ken, Go for it!. . . DA only way peeples gonna use buses is if they makes um dirt cheep like ‘ee did in Lundon wen ‘ee wer in charge before. Tony’s New Labers gonna get a lesson in democracy I reccon , unless uv corse dey fiddles da count like I ‘erd dey doos wiv da Union votes. . . I meen Dobbos got da personality uv a dead womble ant ee, an da Tory git is only doin it cos noone else wiv ‘aff a brain wants da job. . .an if dat ‘oman got da job she’d kill Lundun like deym killin’ Baff. Dey luvvies finks we can aw live on lentils, any ‘ow wiv out cars you can’t ‘Ich ‘Ike, an I awways ‘Ich ‘Ikes on me ‘olidays.

Dey poor sods in Africa is ‘avin a bad time. Are anty Lil reccons aw dey close to um wus too busy shootin each ‘uvver an spendin uver peeples money ta help dere neybors. She reccons life wer better fer aw dey wen it wer da British Empire, an now most of um in charge is aw corrupt like me bruvver. . . Ee ‘ates me ya know. Wen we wus kids ‘ee used ta get tuppence back on empty bottles, den eed sneak back an pinch um an make I take um back agen, an I still ‘ad ta give ee da bleedin money. . . . An ee wonts ta get on da cowncil. . . Das about right!

Latest fing down ‘arberside is a gawd (gold) dome. First dey tawks abowt Green bottaws on da tobacco bonds, now deys tawkin abowt a bleedin gawd dome! . . . . Any one ‘ould fink it wer Bombay not Bristaw, an nobodys ast I av um! . . . . Next fing weel aw be neelin on ar prayer mats in front of da cowncil ‘owse askin ala if we can stay in ar own bleedin cuntry after dey takes us over!

Did you know if da Cowncil wonts ta put da business rate up by 12 an a ‘alf per cent dey can do it aw in one go no problum, but if you gets a cut uv 12 an a ‘alf per cent cos deys buggered up Bristaw dey only gives ee 2 an ‘alf per cent. . . You as ta wait 5 yers ta get it aw. . . Corse by then its gone back up ta more dan it wer before so you never ged it any ow. See!. . .Eds dey wins, Tails you loses!. . .I ‘erd da bosses wife tellin’ da boss wot a pratt ee were fer beleevin anyfing laber says about ‘elpin’ bisness.. . Don ‘t blame I, she sed . . I dint vote for um! . . . . I tawdun meself, we’d aw be beter off if we wus illegal immegrunts!

Wot joo reccon abowt teechin kids sex then?. . Are Anty Lil reccons if they tawt um about wot its like wen kids is screamin an you aint got no money fer da gas meter an nuffin ta eat cept leftovers an stale bread, instead uv ow ta get get yer legover, we ouldn’t be avin sa many rushin’ ta put it about. She reccons they aint got no respect fer no bugger no more, not even fer thumselves, not like wen she wer a kid!. . . an’ she ‘ad it rough! . . Er bloke reccons theym aw tryin’ ta make it legal ta ave sex wiv younguns cos deym aw load a perverts. Ee reccons it’s a’ways old blokes wiv young boys. . . Anty Lil reccons she’d send um up the vets wiv ‘alfacrown, dat ud sort dey out!
Well springs uv sprung da daffodils er out an I’ll av ta av a ‘aircut . .

“ERROL! . .GET IN ‘ERE". . . . . . . She’s off agen. I’d beter go.

Jan/Feb 2000

Copyright by Charles Henry

Wot a bleedin mumf Janry were!. . We’ve ad da bleedin y2k bug awrite ant we, an it wernt in no bleedin cumputer wer it .. . . Don’t cum near I. . . I don’t wannit!. . I reccon we’ve aw ‘ad ‘Cambell’ … . One minit it wer normall levels uv cawds an flu an’ da ‘ospittaws coun’t cope, an Da Goverment wer useless pratts. Next fing it wer da worst epidemic fer ‘undreds uv yers an da government wer wonderful under da circumstances.. . . See ‘twernt flu at aw,. . . .’twer ‘CAMBELL’. . . I dont no wot ta say reely. . . Da centers finished. ‘Undreds went down nere fer new yer ta stand around an get aw worked up, but wot is it?. . . I mean, wot is it?. . . ’slike Charlie Dimmocks bin down dere wiv Alan Titmarsh an used up alot uv left overs frum da B&Q’s Sell(sale).. . Ship Shape an Bristaw Fashion?. . Dogs Breakfast next Day more like! . . . You coun’t make it up could you?

Next fing dey’ll be makin a bleedin mess a Canons Marsh. . .an fer wot!. . fer crist sake you cant get yer no more any ow. Deys closin’ aw da bleedin roads an putin in bus lanes. . . .Wot da dey fink peeples gonna do, sprout wings an fly! er paddle a canoo up da bleedin river. dey ‘ont catch a bus ta the city ground so dey sure ‘ont do fer da poncy goins on deys got planned.
. . . . . . I’n wiv da Vicker, . . I reccon it’ll be In’uman.. . Da cowncil ‘av frown it out agen but I spec dey gits ull try an get da sectry a state to overrule um.. . .I tell ee wot tho. If da guvernment allows dey ta put up dey boxes ‘an sheds down dere Bristaw peeple ull never fergive um. We’ve ad nuffin but crap put up aw over da place. Bristaw wer surrounded by sheds in da Eightees an now dey wants ta fill up the docks wiv um an as soon as we try ta visit um dey’ll close dey bleedin roads an’ aw!

I ‘erd da ‘Elf Sectry wer ringing up France an askin dey if dey’d ‘av some uv are ‘CAMBELL’ victims, cos are ‘ospitals is full up wiv dey wot caught dere deaf uv pnewmonia ‘angin around ta get in ta da Millenium Dome. . I said yeh, . . get on, . . send um over. Dey ‘ont eat none uv ar bloody beef, So we cant give um C.J.D. . SO let’s give um aw a bloody good dose a ‘CAMBELL’ instead. . . . Dey ‘ates us da French. . Dey’ve ‘ad aw dat oil on da beeches. . . Terrible. . . Mine you I spec we’ll aw ‘ave ta pay um compensashun, you no, Yorup!. . . an aw da time we’ve ‘ad sod aw off dey fer burning ar lamb an reckin’ ar bleedin lorries. . . An’ dey doos aw dat on purpose!. . .’ twernt no accident like wot da oil wus.

My bruvver bin moufin’ off agen.da git. . Ee talks some bloody rubbish ya know. Mine you ‘twernt nuffin a bullet in da ‘ed ‘ouldn’t cure. . . Ee reccons wen Mayor Lady ‘Olland makes everyone ride round Bristaw on bikes like ee, we’ll aw be alot ‘appier cos dere ‘ont be no more road rage. . . I said to un. . . Tony Blair might fink ee can walk on wawt’er, da smarmy git, but ‘Ell a freeze over, an’ ar anty Lil ull ‘ave a sex change an’ adopt Michael Barrymore, afore peeple ull give up dere bleedin cars!, . . . . . Bikes?. . Buses?. . Trams?… Thas like goin back ta da bleedin dark ages! . . Ee ‘ates me ya know my bruvver. . .Wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta put chewin gum in me cap gun, corse mine ‘unt work den uld it.. .. I’d ad it den ant I!. . Eed kill I, er tie I to a tree er summat. . . Corse eed awways ‘ad ta be da bleedin sheriff dint ee!. . da git.

Wot about da wages wot dese civil servants gets den. Wun of uns on Eighteey fousand a yer an now dey’s avin early retirement. If dey lives till deym ninety we’ll av ta keep um in luxery doin nuffin fer forty yers gettin’ more money dan a ‘osspittaw Sister wots workin!. . . Dat can’t be right! . . da worlds gone bleedin mad . . . Oo sed socialism wer dead?. . . I tell ee

iss alive an’ kickin’ in Bristaw. . . An weem da ones gettin’ bleedin kicked. . . . Wots worse, da new one wots cummin instead ull be gettin even bleedin more! . Wot abowt askin sumone if deylll do it fer LESS. . . I spec deres ‘undreds oo ‘ould.. . . Rip Off Brittin?. . .I’ll say tis. an it’s da bleedin guvernment wots rippin’ us off!

Well da Yoros ‘ad it, da Domes ‘ad it, Dobbos ‘ad it, Lord Jeffrys ‘ad it, probly Two Jags uv ‘adit, an’ Decumisionin’ uv ad it.

” GET BACK IN ‘ERE NOW! *#*#* “. . . ‘ECK, NOW I’VE ‘AD IT!

Nov/Dec 1999

Copyright by Charles Henry

."aw right I’n cummin". .She’s aways on! It’s awrite fer you, . . New yers Eve an I’ll av ta bleedin work. . I got ta go bleedin washin up! . . Me!. . . They reccon they’s got no staff round next doors resteront an they’s volunteered I!. . . Mine you they reccons theys payin good money. . . Minmum Rate + Tips. . . . . Ya do get tips when you goes washin up don’t you ? . . . . . . . I fawt so. I aint stupid.

Tony’s upsettin a lot a peeple agen. Anyone ‘oo dont agree wiv un is forces uv conservatism. Lets fink?… Tony Benn, Ken Livinston, Emperer Wots is name, Arfer Scargill, an a corse ee fergot alf a they wot voted for un fought ee wer a conservative. They caws un TORY Blair dont um. Yeh I reccon eev got is knickers in a twist diss time. Youd fink ee ad enough problems wot wiv gettin ‘is wife preggers again. It must uv bin a good ‘oliday any ow. Good timin’ wannit. Just wen ee wer goin ta av ta av Dobbo fer Day Mare and Canny Ken fer is Night Mare. Now eel av all is luvvies an all is babes singin’ rock abye baby in da tree tops. . .Ee just wanna ‘ope da bow don’t break Corse now eev got da Tories wiv dere own nitemares wot wiv ‘amilton and Lord Archer. . .Still at least they weren’t lookin fer sheep on Clapham Common.

Da Round Eds in Osstraylia dint get dere way did um. They all voted ta keep da Queen. Are muvver reccons it ud be a poor old world if no bugger spoke proper like wot she do, an aw we ad in charge wus some smart arse gits wot makes a few quid an nen finks theym aw ‘uppa clawss’. I mean she don’t go flawntin it like some bleedin film star do she. I mean ‘isterys ‘istery in it. She is related ta Queen Anne an’ ‘Enry da eighff aint she. Not like Tony Blair, related ta Alf Garnets son in law.

My bruvvers gettin a new bike fer Crissmuss. Wun wiv loads a gears. Are nans nittin ‘im a new balaclava ta keep is littaw yers warm on cold mornins. . Wen ees got is face mask on ee looks like summat out uv War un Peece during da air raids. Ee ‘ates me yu no! wen we were kids ee used ta get I ta ‘old is place in da que fer a ‘air cut on Saterdays while ee went up da chip shop wiv Ediff. Corse wen it cum ta my turn I’d end up last an miss me bus, an ave ta walk ‘ome. . An EE wants ta get on da cowncil!. .da git.

Eh! oos da biggest perve den ? . . A older bloke wot gets off wiv a fourteen yer old girl , er a older bloke ‘oo wants ta get off wiv a sixteen yer old boy. Are anty lils bloke reccons da sixteen yer old boy ull need ta be able run a dam sight quicker than da fourteen yer old girl. . . ee reccons girls got more sense anyow!. . they nos wot theym doin. Its like they wot marries ugly gits wiv loads a money. .They aint stupid!.. . Corse wen they finds out theys got loads a money an no brains its a diffrent story init.

Tony Blairs tryin ta get aw me old mates off da streets. Corse they encurridged um wen da Tories wus in power so dey could blame Misses Facher! . . corse now weem supposed to be boomin, thas a joke, theym aw still out dere makin more money than da penshuners! still if dey goes ahead wiv da Pole Tax on Wheels,( road tolls), dere ont be no bugger left in Bristaw ta beg from cept they wot lives yer. an theym tighter than are Ediffs nicker ‘lastic. . . .You ast my bruvver!. . . an while yoom about it you ast un wot ee wer doin in Ediffs room at two oclock in the mornin New Yers Day, 1988!. . I were gonna keep it to meself but I ‘ont no more , cant av no sleeze in Bristaw can we.

Mr Portillos got back in ta parlament. Eel be in good cumpany now. da party oppasit ull luv ee now. Mind you it uv all changed abit since ee were last dere. Eel find da back benches a bit bum py ta start wiv I spec. Da laber partys got such a big majority theym aw a bit cocky now, sum more dan uvvers! no wot I meen? Mr ‘ague ull probly put un on the front bench wiv ee sum time next yer. It’ll liven up a bit den I spec. Ah I can ‘ardly wait fer New Yer now, no bleedin buses, no taxis, ‘angovers, bills, babies cryin’, back ta work an ‘ope da bug dint get ee,. .corse thas if you still got wun wot wiv aw dese takeovers.

‘Appy Crismus an a ‘Appy New Yer .

October 1999

Copyright by Charles Henry

I’v nerly lost me job. Dey’s givin I a ‘fishal warning. . .Well it’s ‘Er ain’t it , not ‘Ee. . . Stroof I only sed trouble wiv Maggie she wer a woman. Dey likes ta dish it out don’t um but dey can’t take it can um. I’n getin fed up wiv aw diss womens lib. Wot wiv aw deese Blairs Babes. Deys got aw diss mouf but as soon as deres a problem deys screamin fer one uv us ta go an sort it out for um. Did you see dey army recrutes on tele on basic traynin. Dey ‘ad dere bleedin ‘air spray an aw dere make up wiv um, an dey wer weepin all over da place. . . Tawk about Dads Army, twer more like Mummy’s Mincers, . . no ! . . . dey wus girls!

Mr. Portillos cum out. . . Ee recconed ee ‘ad a sexual experience wen ee wer young. . . . My bruvver ad one wiv ar anty Lils dog. . . Ee used ta try it on wiv I but I’d tell un , ” Git down! , Git Down! “. I’d shake the bugger off an make un get back in ‘is kennil. She’ve ad un castrated now (da dog I meen not me bruvver). . . . Ee ‘ates me ya no. Wen we wus kids we yoost ta go scrumpin apples. Ee used ta make I get over da wall an climb da tree cos I wer smaw. Den eed tie a rope to a bag an make I fill it. Corse ta get back I wer sposed ta climb da rope while ee ‘eld it. den we’d get da bag an off we’d go. Corse diss geezer cums an catches I don’t ee. Me bruvver whips the bag away wiv da rope an buggers off an leaves I don’t ee. . . . An ee wants ta get on da cowncil don’t ee, . . . da git.

Well da confrence seeson uv cum an gone ain it. Da Lib/Dems wus a bit uv a damp squib. Ol Kennedys cum out fer yorup. Dat’ll cost un. . . . I mean a Yoros only worf about fruppence now. Wot idiots gonna swap dere pounds fer monoply money like dat. . . Paddy’s still cosyin up ta Tony . I fink ee wants ta be a Tony Crony now , like Heseltine and Patten. Tony don’t quite no wot ta do next now eev run out uv sound-bites. Most uv da problems we got means peeples got ta get up off dere backsides an ‘elp umselves but dey ont. Yorup keeps tellin peeple theym workin too ‘ard. Wot a joke! . . . Wun lots bein stuffed by berocracy an da uvver lots livin it up on da gravy train. Ar Anty Lil’s bloke reccons if we aint carefull weel aw be payin fer Yorups penshuns cos weem da only ones wots saved up proply (Well I aint but you no wot I meen). Gordys got da hump cos ee wants ta be Pryminister but Alister Cambell wont let un. . . Corse we dint vote for un but ees da wun wots runnin fings reely. . . Mine you peeples beginin ta relise it wer da Torys wot reely sorted out da mess an now Tonys sittin on Billions uv ar money.

Mr ‘Ague cum out fightin’. Ee’s callin’ fer sum common sense. I meen if a girl ‘as one baby an she don’t no oo da dad is dat could be a mistake, but if she as two er free, I meen why should we av ta keep um?

Da pleece is on about drugs again. . . Wot else can you expect!. . Deese Womens Libbers as spent firty yers destroyin da famly wiv equal pay. so now aw da mums as ta go out ta work ta keep up instead uv bein ‘ome lookin after da kids an givin um a fick ere wen dey needs it. . It dint do I no ‘arm any ow. . I mite be a bit fick but I don’t go rownd steelin an muggin old ladies. I reccon it ud be beter ta pay um ta stay ‘ome an do ‘owse work! . . no skivin mind! tea on da table an kids in bed by six a clock. Caw, . .dat wer darin sayin dat! . . I’ll get beeton up now I spec.

Yer I wer reedin sum cultral do’s an dont’s fer da pleece in da paper da uvver day. You no, don’t do diss, dont say dat, don’t call um ‘my luv’, you no, . . no offending no forin geezers. I fawt ta meeself, wot ‘appened ta wen in Rome do wot da Romans do den ? does dat meen. dey bleedin Ozzes ull av ta stop callin us Pommes? I meens, we stuffed da bleedin Eyeties in da rugby dint we, deym a load a big girls. Dey dont mind us callin um Eyeties, weem aw good mates reely, eevin wen dey stuffs us at football, da gits. I meen dey cooks bleedin good Peetzuz dont um.

Talkin abowt food its me dinner time. I’n Goin.

September 1999

Copyright by Charles Henry

You can’t beleeve it can you a couple a yers ago we wus all cursin da Tory government an wanted um out. Now weem got dis lot a meglamaniacs tryin ta bankrupt evryone wiv aw diss petrol tax and parkin tax. . . an we got da BBC tryin ta stitch us up wiv more licence fee, fer wot ? endless bleedin repeats! . . Tonys bin lordin it on da continent in a millionaire ‘ideaway, . . an nat pillock Two Jags is goin round tellin every one, ‘you cant build yer way out uv dis traffic jam’ cos ees goin block all the roads wiv bus lanes , red traffic lights an empty buses, so suck that. . . Well I voted fer Screaming Lord Sutch an da Ravin Loonies, may ee rest in peace, so you can’t blame I. . . Peeples funny in um., ‘member Mrs Fatcher an aw er Yuppies wiv aw dere mobile fones. Laber fawt dey wus werse dan insects dint um. Corse now deym aw got um, eevin da bleedin kids. Oose the yuppies now then ?, thas what I wanna no.

Da studants ull be back soon givin us all ‘ell, an next fing it’ll be dark nites agen. Yer did ee see da ‘clipse?. . dey reccond it ud go dark but it dint round are way. I wer squintin at it froo da clouds. It wer like a new moon. Mine you I spec it wer diffrent round your way, you pays more cowncil tax. . I spec you ad the ‘ole fing diemond an’ all. . . da Council reccons you rich gits gets it aw an dere avin sum uv it.

Petrols goin up agen. . . Ar anty Lil reccons Laber ont stop till dey gets frown out. She says da Tories tawd us deyd put up taxes but evryones too stupid ta relise. She reccons it’ll get ta £5 a gallon if we dont do summat aboud it now. Corse me bruvvers ridin is bike aint ee da git. Ee ates me ya no. Wen we wus kids eed get are muvver ta make I sleep over are anty Lils so’s cuzzin Eediff could stay over are ‘owse wiv ee. Ee reccond dey played records an dat but I reccon dey wus smokin sumfin a bit iffy. I used ta find dogends in me pencil case. Corse me teecher ud fink I’t wer I wot wer smokin unt she, den she’d tell are muvver an I’d get lines an a fick ere.

Wot joo fink abowt makin aw you use trains den. Ar anty Lils bloke reccons dey weren’t no good evin before dey got closed down by Beechin. . he reccons you couldn’t never go nowhere an get back late anyow. An wen you did dere wer never no buses goin to ‘alf da places peeple lived. Ee reccond goin courtin wer ‘ell, so dey aint a ‘ope in ‘ell uv makin it werk now av um. Ee reccons ’till dese gits finish joinin up the trunk roads an get rid of all dese traffic lites weel all be well an truly buggered.

Yer ave you noticed deys stopped tawkin abowt global warmin ? . . . Cos it goin ta get cawed an wet now dey tawks about ” Climit Change ” . Weem payin more an more fer water but it dont go nowhere do it ?. . We dont use it up like Caw (Coal) do we ?. . It just goes round an round don’t it. . If dey wus ta save a bit more wen it bleedin raind we’d av loads !. . dey finks weem aw stupid!

Mr ‘ Agues getin is wife to change ‘is imige, if I wer ee I’d take er evrywhere wiv I, summats bound ta rub off on un. Trubble is too many rich gits got a vested intrest in Yorup an dey nos ‘Agues rumbled um so dey says anyfink to make un look bad. . Corse dey nos ees rite an peeple don’t wan it. . . . An da new Liberal leader dont no which way ta look do ee. I meen Paddy wer cosyin up ta Tony an da new bloke finks eel get da blame as well wen it all goes wrong. An ee will. An av you noticed you never yers Priministers questions no more! das cos deys stopped us seein Blair blaimin evry fing on da Tories wen fings goes wrong. Mine you. its warin a bit fin now init. Say wot you like tho it wer Mrs Fatcher wot made us beter dan Yorup, not John Majer er Tony Blair! . Trubble is she wer a woman. I mean dey can’t cope like we men can um. I meen We aw nos dat don’t we. . . Still we as ta make allowances. .

Oo da ells dat showtin? . Crikes its da bosses wife….sheev missed I………I’ll av ta go.

August 1999

Copyright by Charles Henry

Caw I’n feelin stressed an I fink I got RSI. I’ll av ta ring me silisiter. Ow much joo reccon, a ‘undred fowsand?. . . more?. . . ah why not , they Bank workers gets it, why shoont I ? Theys reely buggered up the center ant they. Well I tell ee Swindon a soon be a better place than Bristaw. They aint got a clue av um. They finks its more portant fer a git on a bike ta ride on aw deese new pavements than fer peeple ta get yer by car. Any ow you ‘ont be able ta afford yer cars much longer so youd beter start lernin ow ta roller skate.

Wot about they oo goes fox ‘untin then. They reccon they fick cuntry bumpkins ull ave anuver rally in Ide Park. Tel ee wot tho, fousands a they went ta London an they dint leeve no mess did um. You see da filfy mess they gits leaves in Ashton Cort after da free festivul an the mess they ‘Claim da Streets’ gits leave. Corse I notice deese fings dont I. Its me job aint it. Are Anty Lil always says, we cant aw be clever but we can aw be clean. Mine you I’ve erd er tawk dirty wen she fought I wernt listnin.

Wot about Neel Kinnock then, you cant beleeve it can you. No bugger ull ave im over yer so they pays the git ta lord it in Brussells. No one asst I did um! You’d ave ta av twenty million quid in da bank ta live like Ee an Er. Tawk about shampain socialists , It sno wunder they likes Yorup. I fink I ould fer dat. . . An weem aw payin!

My bruvvers just bin up the slavery exibition. Ee reccons its a good fing. Ee reccons aw you Bristaw peeples a load uv eevall sods wot lives off ‘uman misrey an’ you eevin laughs at aw the Citee supporters. . . . . theym awways suffrin an getin a stuffin. . . . Ee ‘ates me ya no. Wen we wus kids are mum ‘ould let us watch Rovers. She nitted us a scarf each, you no, black an white. Well the git ‘ad a red an white un ee pinched off a citee supporter’s little sister down Eestville. Corse wen we gets there ee shoves the red’un rown me neck don’t ee. Corse I reely gets a good kickin’ then don’t I, . . . . An ee. . .ee wants ta get on da cowncil ! . . . Ah well I fink ee must uv bin born in Baff. Ee finks ees middaw class like John Prescott, ‘ is berf sistificuts bin foto copied so many times it looks like it were ritten by Enid Blyton. Its a work of art !. da basket.

Lockin up they wiv personality disorders were a good ideal Jack. That should solve a few problems. Two Jags cango fer a start. That’ll cut a bit uv pollution, an the sheep chaser off Clapham Common, I meen thas weird init. Mandy meddlesum mite get away wiv a short stay but Gordy, eev just flogged off alf are Gold cheap. . . Mind you Tonys got wild eyes ant ee, an’ ee needs a rest! . . Yep! . . Good finkin ‘ome sectry.

Did you know ders a bigger chance uv dyin’ frum TB than CJD. Corse theys conned the studunts an theym givin they meningitus jabs wen theys more at risk frum da drugs they takes, an’ all the time theys got no TB jabs fer alf the littaw kids, an all the bajgers is overrunnin the cuntryside an spreddin it. Are anty Lil rerccons they should uv turned all they in ta shavin brushes like they yoost to, that ud soon stop it.

The Bloke yer reccons the booms goin bust an intrest rates ull ave to go down agen, ee reccons wen they finds out alf the world aint solvent like that Dayoo lot, they owes 75 billion an theys only worf 50 billion, sum banks er gonna be in a elluuv lot a trubble. Yep an weel aw be payin for it like we did wiv the Channel Tunnel.

The Tories wun the bielection, I aint surprised. People dint vote em in fer (18)Ateeen yers fer nuffin. they nos da laber party aint reely got a clue. As long as Tony doos tory fings they’ll put up wiv im but if ee keeps on tryin ta plees all is lefty luvvies eel be out on is yer afor you can say “Ken Livinstone fer Mare a Lundon". wun last fought.

‘Tony ad a littaw mate oo worked in the ships galley,
Evry fing wus goin well till they found out ee were a wally ‘
. . . . . . . . . I’n goin.

June/July 1999

Copyright by Charles Henry

Crikes, diss ull take sum getin yoost to, aw diss brush work. . . Still gives I time ta fink. Da geezer yer finks dey’ll aw go bankrupt now. wot wiv diss new Car Parkin Tax. Da cowncill av gone bleedin mad. Deys closed roads, deys put traffic lites evrywear, deys caused bleedin traffic chaos evrywear, den dey blames da peeple wot works an lives yer. I tell ee peeples getin pritty brassed off wiv it aw now, an I reccon afor long dey’ll be takin drastic acshun. Corse dey in da cowncil wots aw index linked an ‘flation proofed, an’ dey sustrans lot dont care do um. Dey finks money grows on Lottery Trees don’um.

Did you see dat git oo put a vegatarian in charge of agriculture in da Welsh Sembly. I meen ! in Wells dey livs on Mutton an Beef don’um. It aint like Ireland wear dey livs on spuds. Next fing dey’ll be puttin a fairy in charge of Marridge Guidance, Ron Davies in charge of moral behavyer, an the N.F.U. in charge of ‘rite ta roam’. . .Eh? wots da diffrence tween Jonafon Atekin an Ron Davies den?. . . Ron Davies dint get caught tryin ta stuff da Gardian.

Tonys in da mire over Kosovo. Ee fought de yoropeans ud let ee be in charge wiv Bill, but dat lot ‘ont put um selves out fer no bugger. deym aw fritened ta deff ta get in an sort it out. Tawk about ‘avin a war by comitee. Corse aw the luvvies finks if you tawks nice ta peeple they’ll tawk nice back, but it don’t aw ways work like that do it. It’s da same wiv kids. Sometimes da only fing dat’ll stop um is a good clip rownd da yerol. It never did my bruvver no arm any ow.

Ee ates me ya no, wen we wus kids ar muvver used ta like I better dan ee, well I wer smaw an cuddly an ee wer a smart mouf git. . . ee still is!. . . . corse wen ar anty Lil cum round fer tea wiv Ediff, eed aw ways be showin off an she’d make un leeve the table, an I’d av all ‘is trifle! Corse den on Saterdays eed pinch me comic an tell are muvver I’d spent me money on sweet cigeretts, den I’d get a clip ‘ouldn’t I. Corse in da end ar Anty Lil ‘ould clout un fer messin wiv Ediff , an wun fer luck fer tellin lies abowt I.

Well da wars over fer now any ow. Wot a cock up. Corse Tonys putin a fancy spin on it, but wot a mess deys left. An now deym findin out, wile dey wus pontificatering about sendin in da troops, dat lot wer werse dan ‘Itler. Old Madlin ‘Aff Rite wus a classic example of a woman tryin to do a mans job. Dey just dont ged it do um. You as ta be a battleaxe like Maggie if yoom gonna mix it wiv the big boys. If they’d ad ‘Enry Kissinjer in charge Dey’d a sorted dis wen dey did Bosnia. You cant keep givin dese peeple secund chances. Evin if dey do get rid of Slobba, an dey probly ‘ont. It’ll take yers an yers ta clear up dat lot. An oos payin? well we aint we. . . . . Yeah Minmum wage now an I’n still payin tax !

An wot abowt Mr. ‘Ague den. Ee reely showed dey luvvies down da Blair Broadcasting Compney dint ee. Dey keeps on about Yorup cos dey spends dere time flyin over dere pollutin da air in dese Jet Planes. Youd ‘ve ta leave yer car engine runnin fer a mumff ta make up fer a trip ta Brussels in a plane. Well dey nos now the British peeple aint gonna be dictated to by no forin geezers, evin Tony Benn ave told um. An ee nose wot ees tawkin about.

I wer listnin the uvver day to a fone in on da radio. Aw dis geezer kept sayin wus, ” Snot John, ‘Snot John, its Keef its Keef “. Keef ?, oos bleedin Keef I fawt. Dint matter any ow dey kept
callin un John an ee got madder an madder. I fawt oo da ells John any ow anuver of dees over payed gits. I spec ees da won wot lives rown yer somewer. I ‘ope ee dont reed this or I’ll probly loose me job if ee cumplanes.

Oh deerie me, its startin ta rain, I shull av ta av anuver tee brake.

May 1999

Copyright by Charles Henry

Guess Wot? I ‘ont be sat yer much longer. The geezer yer av give I a job as the gofer. I as to keep the front tidy and keep an eye out fer shoplifters. Now thas a turn up init. I told are muvver I’d get a job. She dint believe I thou. At leest peeple ‘ont just ignore I now. Its like I’n not yer some days. Still I’n bet’er off than they Koservers arn I. It must be ‘ell out there. Tel ee wot thou somes gonna be upset roun’ are way now theym cummin over ‘ere an getin’ owses wen loads as been waitin yers an yers an still ant got none. Thas too bad thou innit. I know where I’d ravver be, out yer.

Wot joo fink of the ‘lections then, they lost a few cowncilers din’um.Wot a turn up. Tony ull av ta watch out now ‘ont ee. I meen there’s a message there somewer. They all fought they wus gonna give da tories a rite stuffin but I reccon they’ve relized the labor party ‘ave bin pullin there wires a bit, Wot wiv all the traffic jams an the cost of pet’rol. . . They reccon ‘flations only two er three per cent. Are anty Lil ull tellee thas a load a crap. An all the time these rich gits gets millions floatin’ on the stock market. an oos payin fer all that?. . well we. . aint we!, well I aint but you is. I tell ee wot thou, thees dussn’t wanna be the last one sellin’ wen they all goes down.. . An they will, you wait un see. Corse it’ll be too late then ‘ont it. Thas all yer penshun money gone, an they’ll be all be laffin’ all the way ta the bank.

I saw are Ediff again the uvver day. Caw she’s a big girl now , an guess wot?, you godit, my bruvver, ees still all over er like a rash after all these yers. Corse they ain’t really related, she never new er dad an my bruvver never new ‘is, so I spose its aw rite. . . Ee ‘ates me ya no. Wen we wus kids we used to go round are nans on fursdys if are mum were out wen we cum ome from scaw. Are gramps ‘ud be sleepin in is chair , snorin’ wiv is mouf open lettin’ is tea get cold. My bruvver ‘ould sneek in, get ‘is false teef an stick um in ‘is cup. Corse then eed bugger off, an’ slam the door, an’ let I take the blame wen ee woke up an tryd ta finish it. Are nan new wot were goin’ on dint she. Shed clout un if she could catch un, but ee dint care did ee! . . . An ee wonts ta get on the cowncil the git!. . . I can ‘ear un now,"Dont wurry mum, I’ll look after ‘im",. . . I’ snowunder I’s turned out like I ‘as.

That wer a coincidence wern it, a couple a days after the Russians gangs up wiv Nato a bomb ‘its the Chinese Embassy an upsets they. An the BBC as usual gives um all the propaganda they wants.. . A bit bloody stupid thou wan’ it.

Did you see they extremists marchin’ round Bristaw tellin us to give up the pound an ave Yoros? They finks weem all soft in the ‘ed. An’ that tory git who gave away ‘Ong Kong ave turned nateiv and joined the Gravy train in Brussels. Eem a Tony Crony now. Mine you I reccon eel supprise all on you. Ees no mug an ee respects old ‘ague. They goes on abowt Right and Left but i’smore like Right and Wrong. You dont ave to be very bright to see the comunists in Yorop are callin them selves Lib-Dems tryin to turn it into the new soviet block. Patten ‘ont stand fer that, an’ I reccon eel tell Blair to ‘ang about abit, an Blair ull listen to ‘ee.

The Students is moanin’ about there grants again ain’t they, poor little luvs. I as ta laugh. they’s never got no money av um but theym always out there ‘eds on the weekends fillin all da bars. They wanna try it out yer afor they starts moanin’. I speck there mums finks theym all little dears but we no diffrent round yer don’t we.
I’d beter clear off if they reeds this they’ll use me nose fer a fist rest.

There’s never a copper wen you need one is there!

April 1999

Copyright by Charles Henry

Well anuvver mumffs gone by. At least its gettin warmer out yer. We’ve ad April Fools an April Showers. The Showers dat lot rownd da cabnit table an da fools is you lot fer votin em in. Yer petrols dearer, yer fags is dearer an yer penshuns getin worf less an less. . . I’n alrite, I got no car, I don’t smoke baccy an da social keeps I in da manner I’n customed to.

Wot jew fink of me dog then. I shares un wiv six uvvers. We take un down da social wen we signs on. I mean some on um dos it wiv kids dont um, dogs is dead easy, dey cant tell one from tother can dey, an wot can’t talk can’t lie. A good mungrels worf ‘is waite in gold, . . ee da luv I ya no.

Av you noticed da coppers is alot more frendly lateley, evin to us ‘onkys ? Meeself I reccon da relations act av caused more problims dan it’s solved. Da more dey goes on abowt it da more dey upsets peeple….. Tell ee wot thou, you never see no black guys beggin do you.. . now deres a fought for you. . . Deym probly too prowd.. well I aint.. . .Ah well thas enuff on dat subject or da fought police ull wanna give I a brain transplant frum a polynesian parrot.. . Mind you that could be useful. .
“Prittee Boy, Prittee Boy. . . . . . Give us a quid, Give us a quid.”
You can see I wearin pink lipstick an a mohican ‘aircut can’t you . You know the ‘Pink Pound’, . . Deym beter dan yoros any’ow.. . Russian Roobles ull soon be werf more un dey!

Da lorry drivers av ad enuff ant dey. Bit of a liberty thou makin dey pay a rediculous amount more dan da foriners fer deezaw and road tax. Blair ates um aw dont ee. Lorry Drivers, Farmers, Butchers, Anyone oo sells food, Car Drivers, Smokers, Anyone oo dont like Yorup. Eev eevin stuffed the teechers. ee ates um all., . . an alf of um voted for un last time. . .I bet dey ‘ont do it again . An now ee wants ta give extra lessos to dey oos got crappy teechers in the comprensives. . . Dass why we ad Grammer Schools in da first place wan it!. . Ow in the Ell do you fink my Bruvver got ta university , da git! . . NEPATIZM ?. . . . Ee Ates me you no. Wen we wus kids we used ta play dressin up games at are anty lils and cuzzon Ediffs. Eed play muvvers an favvers wiv Ediff an I’d av ta be in the push chair. Eed make I put on a dress den eed shuv a fillfy dummy in me mouf to shut I up while ee showed Ediff wot ee ad.. . No wot I mean ? . . an ee wonts ta get on the cowncil, da perv !

Anuvver labour git av got caught ‘avin a massage wiv some Thai gerls . . . Dey gets deported. Ee pleads police ‘arrissment . an da BBC pretends it didn’t appen. I spec Tony ull promote un into the cabinet. Eel feel at ome dere. Theym good at manipulating figgers, specilly Gordy. . Wens a Tax increese not a tax increese ?. . . . Wen Gordy tells you it ain’t ten times, . . stupid!

Wot about the war then. Old Slobadobs gettin a stuffin. Trubble is the people in Kosovo ’s payin a ‘eavy price. Ah mind you dey waits to long dont um. Dey should av seen to ee yers ago. Its like Saddam, dey buggers ‘ont stop till you make um. Trubble is aw da luvvies awways wurris about da crimnals. If it wus left ta dey wed be back in the twelff sentry under Gengizz Khan, er someone like un. Mine you credit ta Tony eev done a Maggie an ‘ees ‘elpin the Yanks sort fings out once an fer aw.. . Did you notice wen dey poor civillians got killed da BBC dint ask wot dey wer doin’ in a military convoy, . . .you no, Human Shields,. . oh no. They lets the Serbs Mouf off. . . Oos side are they bleedin on I wanna no ? One fing tho,. . . ‘member Enoch an ‘is ‘Rivers of Blood ‘ tirade, well ee wernt far wrong in Yugaslavia were ‘ee!, an the EU is tryin ta stitch the rest of us up right across Yorup. Well it aint gonna work is it. . Are Anty Lil reccons good fences makes good neybors an if you leaves yer gate open, aw da dogs in da neyberood ull be messin on yer lawn.

. . . . . . . . . . Stroof, me bruvvers cummin, an ees got a copper wiv im, Ill av ta scarper.

March 1999

Copyright by Charles Henry

Well it’s nerly ‘alf past free.. . Wot day is it ?. . Dere’s not a sod about. It’s like a bleedin morge out yer. Well I’d sooner av boom an bust dan Gloom an Rust , wot wiv aw da rain wees ad. Ut least da boom ‘elped ee get over da bust. . .Dey didn’t cut intrest rates agen in da end did dey, dey awways ‘as ta wait till weem steelin milk off doorsteps don’t dey . I don’t know wot world deym in but it certinly ain’t dis un. Ar mum wus gonna get a morgidge an buy er cowncil owse. but dere stoppin dat now! Mine you I reccon she’s beter off spendin everyfing. If yoom old an got yer own owse dey waits till its fallin down round you den dey sticks ee in a ‘ome an flogs it off to sum rich git at ‘alf price. . . . Ar anty Lils got central eetin, dubble glasin, a nu roof , an dey pays er bleedin rent. Course dey reccon its aw gonna change now, but it ‘on’t.

Did you see dey luvvies oo wants ta teech little kids sex an give um transplants sos dey dont get in the club. Talk abowt bent! deym aw a load a perverts. Round ar way any bugger oo messes wiv ar younguns ‘ull find iself ‘oldin is self wiv boaf ‘ands wishin ee ant. (will find himself, holding himself with both hands wishing he hadn’t) Corse now da cowncils startin up clubs fer dey oo finks deym not normol sos dey can learn ow to av sex wiv each uvver an grow up nowing deym an under privlidged minority, an aw da boy scouts an girl guides can go ‘ang. An I got to tell you deym gonna implant some pervy blokes so dey can av babies wot! it’ll be like lancin a boil wen dey gives birf. An fink abowt dey poor kids wen deym growin up. I tell you deym sick. If diss is Blairs Britain you can bleedin keep it.

Did you know Over Forty people dies from chip pan fires every year?. . I spose dey’ll ban ar mums chip pans next. I mean only Twenty Six as died from Mad Cow altogether an look wot dey done ta da farmers. Undreds of dey as comitted Suicide, an’ dey dont reely no it caused it! Wheres da sense in dat. Corse its hypocrisy again init. I mean would you ravver eat Beef on da Bone er modified potatoes dat messes up yer imune system. Give I a rib of beef any day. Mine you I fink Tonys doin a quick U Turn on dis un. You no ee. . . Ee wont lead opinion if ee can follow it.

Ang on deres another of dey soppy women cummin oo keeps tryin to save I. I’ll av to look aw bedraggled an ‘ungry. Dey finks weem aw dopy an got no ome. course deres a few oos ten bob short of a quid an a few oos ad bad luck but I nos a few makin a ell of a lot more dan I. You can make Ten quid in alf an ‘our on some patches. Da trick is ta look aw sad at da girls, yer wastin yer tim wiv most of da blokes, well theym got more sense ant dey.

My bruvver tryed to get I arrested tover day. . . Ee ates me ya no. . I wus down the docks wiv a couple of uvvers avin a smoke, an dis copper cum along. Ee recconed eed been tipped off by a bloke on a bicicle. I said to un, ” Wus da pratt wearin a face mask an a funny ‘at ?” , Ee wooldn’t tell I but I could tell by da way ee wer smilin’ ee new it wer me bruvver. Wen we wus kids ee used to take da saddle off me bike. . dat were nasty. . It wernt too bad goin up hill but you try goin aw da way ta Baff.. . . . An’ ee wonts ta get on the cowncil . . da basket!

Our MP old wotser name, Labor I fink, av bin on anuvver junket, Cyprus I fink, ar muvver drinks dere sherry. She’s like aw da rest, dey gets elected an gets payed too much, den dey spends dere time serchin out freebie ‘olidays. Corse dey awways reccon deym fact findin. If it ad been a Tory dey’d a bin screamin Sleaze and Brown Envellopes. Das wot reely gets up my nose wiv dis lot.deym so two faced.

An now da ‘ome secretry reccons we got ta av a go at dese moufy ooliguns. You can see it can’t you, . . Old Fred down da road gives dis kiddo one up side dae ear an tells un to bugger off ‘ome. Next fing kiddo rings da bill an out dey come, sirens goin, ee aw ee aw, an arrest the bugger!
Fred I mean.. . Next fing deys givin old kiddo legal aid , ee gets fousands a pounds compensation an Fred gets charged an as ta do comunity service. I ‘m tellin you, you couldnt make aw diss up!

It’s startin ta rain. I’ll av ta go

February 1999

Copyright by Charles Henry

….” ‘Alf a pound a tuppeney rice,
…. ‘alf a pound a treecaw,
…. do as I say, not as I do,
….You’ll av ta drive a Volkswagon Beetaw".

I’ve ‘ad four quid so far smornin’ singin’. Mine you wun fat git nerly drove over I in ‘is Jag.. . basket! . . . ee looked jest like John Prescott!. . couln’t a bin ee tho, dis bloke wer wearin’ makeup. I fink it wer a bloke any ow, ard ta tell wiv sum on um.

‘Av you noticed der’s wun sort uv lies ex Tory ministers tells dat meens you mite av to go ta jail. Das tellin lies under oaf abowt oo paid yer ‘otel bill an pervertin justice. An anuver sort, das tellin’ lies under oaf about wever or not you ‘ad sex wiv yor secretary, which means yoom a bloody good bloke ! Corse I spose if alf the world is ‘avin a bit on da side dey finks das aw rite. . . Wot da tory geezer should a done is gone by Concord, ad da best room in the ‘otel an tawd da pryminister it wus aw guverment business, so two fingers to aw on you, . . . .like dey aw doos in yorup an New Laber.

I tawd ar muvver I’d fink seriusly about gettin’ a proper job now ar bruvvers left ‘ome. Ee ‘ates me you no. Wen we wus kids an ar mun used ta take us ta Weston. Eed ‘it I , make I cry, an’ nen tell da bloke on da donkeys we wus lost. . . Nen dey’d leeve I in loss property on da peer, an ‘eed spend aw da money ar mum give us on da slot machines. Till ar mum cum lookin.. . corse den eed deny it aw, da git.. . . . An ee wants ta get on da cowncil!

Its a grate pittey da Tories didn’t caw umselves New Labor dat ould ‘av saved Tony Blair steeling ‘alf da tory cloves. Ee could uv jest swapped partis. Mine you, ees still in a mess over yorup. Da peeple’s likely to say no.. . Dey don’t wont ta drive on the right an dey don’t wanna be rooled by dat brussels lot.. . . Guy Fawkes woold uv been proud a dey. Meeself I’d ravver be ripped off by dey in London dan dey in a forin cuntry. I meen. ‘ow can you lose £6 BILLION QUID. an not take responsabilitty. Wot a Joke!

Da Blair Broadcasting Company (BBC) av bin in full swing since ee came back frum S.Africa las mumff. Eev ‘ad more prime time TV Slots dan da spice gerls. As I understands it, Ees tellin’ everywon it’s aw rite fer us aw to be sex mad degenerits as long as weem aw makin a few quid an gettin ta work on time. If it’s aw rite fer Bill its’ aw right fer ‘ee, ee. reccons. Keep on smilin ‘an blame da tories wen anyfink goes rong..

Wot abowt Paddy den, I tawd ee ee wer on his way out. You might as well vote Tory agen now. I meen Tonys goin to be around fer abit aint ee an da only ope of getin someone sensible like Tony Benn in charge is ta vote tory an stop old smiley Blair from ruinin da Laber Partee fer ever . . ..At least we oudn’t be ruled by da Germans.

I saw ar anty lil las week, on da Centre. She wer pushin a pram wiv a baby she’d borrowed frum ‘er neybour. She didn’t alf make a few quid wiv it!. . . . beggin’ I meens. . . no she dint flog it, stupid! She’s wurrid dey’ll make Viagra compulsery cos er bloke av ad a ‘ip replacement an ee can get abowt abit now!.

Dey’ve reely seen ta da nite trade yer in town, wiv ‘Pay an Display’. At disss rate dere’ll be no one left ta beg from. dey’ll aw be out yer wiv I !. I’ll av ta get index linked like aw dey in charge. . . . Sum ope!

Ive jest ‘erd. deym gonna practice road pricin’ on da M32. It’ll be like avin pretend money wen we wus kids.. . Wot overpayed pratt fought dat up. . . . ” Oh! shall we take da bus today dahling or shall we pretend it’s going to cost us Tin Pownds an drive the Jeguah. . . . Wot joo fink mummy would do dahling". . . . . . . . you couln’t make it up could you!

An now Mandys floggin is owse, dey reccon eel make a quarter of a million tax free. . . .Ee won’t be needin da Big Issue will ee. . . great init!

An they goes on about I not workin !. . . I’m goin ‘ome

January 1999

Copyright by Charles Henry

Well stone me, middle uv January 1999 an its cawd out yer smornin. Wee’v ‘ad loads of jingle bells an’ luv thy neybour but nuffins reely changed av it. Ar mums seein’ if she can get da social ta give ‘er dett relief like dere givin da therd world. I tawd ‘er she’d ‘av to stop shop liftin an run up sum proper detts first. Thas if she can find somone other than da council, daft enouff ta giv er credit. She dont pay rent no more anyow an’ she’s ‘opin dey’ll stop um cuttin off ‘er wat’er wen she dont pay dat. She finks self-serviss means elp yerself, an shes certinly good at dat!
She wonts I ta wear short trowsers an tell um I’n only forteen. . . . You nos, famly allowanse or wot ever dey caws it now! I tawd er dont be silly muvver, me legs may not be very ‘airy, but wen dey seen I up close she’d be dun fer croolty an’ dey’d put I in care. I wont avin dat, wus I, . . . no way.
Wot! . . Dey reccon dere’s more of um in dey places dan in Tony Blair’s cabinet.

I’ve started takin Yoros, mine you I aint seen none yet! My bruvver reccons da Yoro MPs is ‘avin a £20,000 a yer pay rise.(thas abowt 28,000 Yoros) Corse you no oos payin for it dont you! . . . ALL DA MUMS, INT DEY . dey’m puttin VAT on CHILDRINS CLOVES AN FOOD. Me bruvver finks wen Tony Blair bolishes parliment in 2002 weel ave to start sayin da Lords Prayer in Germun. I tawd’n, will I ell!, I’n not startin prayin fer no bugger! dat soon shut ee up!
Ee ‘ates me you no. Wen we wus kids we used pretend we wus scouts an go an do ‘Bob a Job’, ‘cept we did it fer pownds an ‘ad ‘alf each. Corse I grew up finkin dere wus only 10 bob in a pownd cos of ee. dint I !

Dere Lordships in da ‘uppa owse’ terned out ta be a sneeky bunch, well I spec dey lernt dat at public scool stayin out the way a da bot’um spankers. Mr ‘Ague soon showd dey oos boss doe. Dere dey wer doin’ deels wiv da pryministers gofer Alister , be’ind ‘is back, an now sum uv um is keepin dere retirment jobs a bit longer.
Dey wus supposed tA be tryin tA stop da pryminister sendin MPs ta Brussels nun uv us nos. Ee wants ta get aw the votes an nen send any irriot ee likes.. . . That aint deemocrisy!
Woodnt be so bad if we could send um an dey didnt ave ta cum back. but they do!. . . an’ we ave to pay um!

Corse ee used to luv love it wen dere lordships wus stuffin the Torys but ee dint like it wen dey wus stuffin ee now did ee ?
Eel probly bolish um an fill the place wiv Mandy Meddlsums uncals. . . . dat wont alf be frendly. I bet dey sits late den..
Thas of course if dey aint aw sulkin now eev ad to resign. Shame reely cos if cheap loans ‘ad reely caught on weed could aw uv ‘ad big ‘owses an let em out ta a few illegal imigrants. just fink, Ten to a room would av brawt in a few bob. Any ow das Two of em gone. I wonder ool be next? , I ouldn’t trust any of um faver ‘n I could frow um.

An guess watt! Yore aw dyin’ uv food poisnin! Ar mum sed it wood appen wen dey stopped teechin domestic sience to da gerls ut scool. Dey cant cook er do do nuffink now. Me bruvver reccons I should marry ‘Enffin Else’ at da Chinese takeaway, now she reely can cook ! Mine you, lucky for I, not many jerms can servive ar mums chip pan..
(any ow I aint getin marrid til I ‘as to. No point if you can get it free is dere?)( someone ta cook I meens) . . .
By the time elf an safty ‘ave finished wiv this litle lot we shall even ave to sterilize the teepot afor we as a cuppa tee.. . . . I blame Weena Curry. shes anuvver Yoro fanatik. Deys got nuffin better ta do as dey . Trubble is dey cant see it can dey!
We aint dyin! Weem aw livin too long!. . . dey cant afford da penshuns can dey!

Ders a copper cummin. Ill ave to go.

December 1998

Copyright by Charles Henry

Crikes it’ll soon be Crismas. It don’t seem long sinse we wus aw lechering at da girls in dere short skirts durin dat free day eetwave we cawed summer.(Globall Warmin) Ar mums woried she’ll av to tell da social ar nans dead She’s kept da curtins drawn an tawd da neighbors ar nans got gastric embolism an can’t control er bowels but dat wer during da Fawklands War an’ dere gettin a bit suspicious. If somewon rings Tony Blair’s ‘ot line she’ll be rite innit. . . She won’t ‘alf miss nans pension mind you, specilly at Crismus.

I erd Tony’s tryin ta fix up a cupple mor uv ‘is nu business mates wiv good jobs. If you fink abowt it deys got a bloody cheek. Ee’s got aw ‘is mates an’ aw dey luvvies. I mean dey goes on about da Free Masins , but dey don’t rool us do um , not like dese ones.

Any way wots wrong wiv avin a frendly copper?

Me bruvvers tryin to get on da council, Ee loves diss Nu Labor lot. dere right up ‘is street.Ee loves minoritis. Ever since ar mum tawd ‘im ee wus er littaw presshus an da only wun. I tawd ‘er if dere wer two like ‘ee dey’d ave to be clones. ‘is favver didn’t ‘ang arownd fer ee to be born so ‘ees ardly likly ta cum back fer a second go and ‘ave the CIA take aw ‘is money off ‘ nn is ee?–ee ain’t dat stupid.!

Cor it wus lucky for I or I’d a bin just like un. . . . ee ‘ates me you no!
When we wus kids we supported Rovers an’ ‘ee used to make I be a gole post, eevin when we ‘ad too cotes.
Are mum used to tell ‘n off!….. but ‘eed say I wus woodon an made fer da job.
I can’t wait fer everyone to be ridin bikes. Dat’ll beat workin. Dere’ll be dat many bikes ta steel it’ll be like Chrismus evry day. I meen evin if old plod gets out uv ‘is car ‘eev got no chance ‘ave ee. I mean aw da crazys av got fones now ant dey. Dey’ll no jest wer ee is, an ‘eel be goin rownd in surcles.

Dey ought ta ‘ang em reely, like ‘orse theeves in da oldin days. but da only wuns diss lot ull ‘ang is Car Drivers. . . . Dey ‘ates Car Drivers mor dan Tories..
Mee self, I luved Maggie. weed ‘av nun of diss shirt liftin an travler luvin if she wer still in charge.
Wiv diss new Lib - Lab Pact Paddy’s ‘avin ‘is last oorah , democrisy’s gone ta pot, ‘an us reel peeple can go ‘ang, dey Finks. . . . . Ah well weel see!
Talkin’ abowt pot , my bruvver rekons dey should make aw dese drugs free, den if dey’s daft enuff ta kill’mselves, das a few less ta wurry about. On dae uvver ‘and if a few more ‘ad learnt da word no wen dey wus young, like I, dey’d aw be drinkin wine like da rest of us.(well meffs any’ow).

Lucky for I , I missed alot of scool or I’d a bin branewashed like da rest of da under 30s. As far as i’n concerned Old sods is old Sods an kids wants protectin from um.

Sadams got away wiv it agen. Dey should ‘ave finished ee off last time. da usual bleedin ‘arts made um stop an’ look wot we’ve ‘ad. Years an’ years uv aw diss nonsense. Tonys doin woat Bill wonts a corss, but Paddy Backdown ull go along wiv da french an aw dey Brussels lilly livers. Ar mum recons dey wus da same durrin da war. she ses its always da brits and da bleedin yanks wot as to sort it out. Do we need Yorup? Do we ell.

Lucky fer we dere lordships in da ‘uppa owse’ as managed ta (is tryin to) stop da pryminister sendin emmpees ta Brussels nun uv us nos. Ee wonts ta get da votes an nen send any git ee likes.. . . Dat aint deemocrisy! Woodnt be so bad if we could send um an dey dint ave ta cum back. but dey do!. . . an we ave ta pay um! Corse ee loved it wen dere lordships wus stuffin da Tories but ee dont like it now do ee? Eel probly bolish um an fill da place wiv Mandy Meddlsums uncals.

an guess wot! Yore aw dyin uv food poisnin! Ar mum sed it wood appen wen dey stopped teechin domestic sience to da gerls at scool. Dey cant cook er do nuffink now. my bruvver reccons I should marry Eeffin Else at da Chinese takeaway, she nos ow to cook . Mine you, lucky for I, not many jerms can servive are mums chip pan. any ow I aint getin marrid, no. . fank. . .you. By da time elf an safty ave finished wiv dis littaw lot we shall eevin ave ta sterilize da teepot afor we as a cuppa tee.. . . . I blame Weena Curry. shes anuvver Yoro fanatik. Deys got nuffin better ta do. Trubble is dey cant see it can dey? We aint dyin! Weem aw livin to long.. . . dey cant afford da penshuns

Dere’s a copper cummin. I’ll ave ta go.

November 1998

Copyright by Charles Henry

Cor blimy, wot a mumff. Old Clintons really init dis time. tawk abowt a woman scorned. I downt reely see wot aw da fuss is abowt meeself like. I meen we aw nos politicians is lyin’ gits dont us. mine you ‘Illery dont seem too impressed do she. Sendin in da missiles wer a bit drastic but it seems to uv done da trick an taken dae eet off a bit..

It makes Tory sleeze seem like da vicars birfday party. Funny ow Tony Blair downt tawk abowt Sleeze no more since Robby Boy at the forrin office knocked off ‘is seccretry an now wiv is old mate Bill not reely avin sex, I mean ee finks weev just cum in on da paddle steemer.

Da rottwiler at Downin Street, Allister Cambbell, ‘uv bin given evin more power. Seems like da ‘lection wer a waste of time reely.(Not that I voted I dint want ta pay Poll Tax.) . Da backbenchers is like Alisters jelly babies. if dere good ee keeps cowntin um and seein wot colour dey is an’ if theym bad ee eets um.

I’m begininin ta fink deres sumfing gowin on between Mandy Meddlesum and Gordy. they doo seem to get cwoss wiv eech uvver. No wot I meens? nodds good as a wink to a blind poodle.

Did you know weev got more sick pleecmen dan any where else in da cuntry, poor little luvs. Wot peeple don,t reelise is dat dey gets a much biiger pension if deym sick dan if deys fit. Coarse if dey appens to get better after, like dat Guiniss bloke wot ad a miracle cure fer Althimers, dey can still do a proper job like the rest of you. (I’m in between jobs meeself like.)
Wot about dey ‘Stay Stills’ dey wants ta put up bedminter down. bloody cheek. I mean oo da dey fink they is. Dey calls um selves travlers. but Dey aint Deym like plants in flower pots. Dey needs sumfing under um or Dey makes a bloody mess.

As to go for me tee