View from a Shop Doorway
December 1998
Copyright by Charles Henry
Crikes it’ll soon be Crismas. It don’t seem long sinse we wus aw lechering at da girls in dere short skirts durin dat free day eetwave we cawed summer.(Globall Warmin) Ar mums woried she’ll av to tell da social ar nans dead She’s kept da curtins drawn an tawd da neighbors ar nans got gastric embolism an can’t control er bowels but dat wer during da Fawklands War an’ dere gettin a bit suspicious. If somewon rings Tony Blair’s ‘ot line she’ll be rite innit. . . She won’t ‘alf miss nans pension mind you, specilly at Crismus.
I erd Tony’s tryin ta fix up a cupple mor uv ‘is nu business mates wiv good jobs. If you fink abowt it deys got a bloody cheek. Ee’s got aw ‘is mates an’ aw dey luvvies. I mean dey goes on about da Free Masins , but dey don’t rool us do um , not like dese ones.
Any way wots wrong wiv avin a frendly copper?
Me bruvvers tryin to get on da council, Ee loves diss Nu Labor lot. dere right up ‘is street.Ee loves minoritis. Ever since ar mum tawd ‘im ee wus er littaw presshus an da only wun. I tawd ‘er if dere wer two like ‘ee dey’d ave to be clones. ‘is favver didn’t ‘ang arownd fer ee to be born so ‘ees ardly likly ta cum back fer a second go and ‘ave the CIA take aw ‘is money off ‘ nn is ee?–ee ain’t dat stupid.!
Cor it wus lucky for I or I’d a bin just like un. . . . ee ‘ates me you no!
When we wus kids we supported Rovers an’ ‘ee used to make I be a gole post, eevin when we ‘ad too cotes.
Are mum used to tell ‘n off!….. but ‘eed say I wus woodon an made fer da job.
I can’t wait fer everyone to be ridin bikes. Dat’ll beat workin. Dere’ll be dat many bikes ta steel it’ll be like Chrismus evry day. I meen evin if old plod gets out uv ‘is car ‘eev got no chance ‘ave ee. I mean aw da crazys av got fones now ant dey. Dey’ll no jest wer ee is, an ‘eel be goin rownd in surcles.
Dey ought ta ‘ang em reely, like ‘orse theeves in da oldin days. but da only wuns diss lot ull ‘ang is Car Drivers. . . . Dey ‘ates Car Drivers mor dan Tories..
Mee self, I luved Maggie. weed ‘av nun of diss shirt liftin an travler luvin if she wer still in charge.
Wiv diss new Lib - Lab Pact Paddy’s ‘avin ‘is last oorah , democrisy’s gone ta pot, ‘an us reel peeple can go ‘ang, dey Finks. . . . . Ah well weel see!
Talkin’ abowt pot , my bruvver rekons dey should make aw dese drugs free, den if dey’s daft enuff ta kill’mselves, das a few less ta wurry about. On dae uvver ‘and if a few more ‘ad learnt da word no wen dey wus young, like I, dey’d aw be drinkin wine like da rest of us.(well meffs any’ow).
Lucky for I , I missed alot of scool or I’d a bin branewashed like da rest of da under 30s. As far as i’n concerned Old sods is old Sods an kids wants protectin from um.
Sadams got away wiv it agen. Dey should ‘ave finished ee off last time. da usual bleedin ‘arts made um stop an’ look wot we’ve ‘ad. Years an’ years uv aw diss nonsense. Tonys doin woat Bill wonts a corss, but Paddy Backdown ull go along wiv da french an aw dey Brussels lilly livers. Ar mum recons dey wus da same durrin da war. she ses its always da brits and da bleedin yanks wot as to sort it out. Do we need Yorup? Do we ell.
Lucky fer we dere lordships in da ‘uppa owse’ as managed ta (is tryin to) stop da pryminister sendin emmpees ta Brussels nun uv us nos. Ee wonts ta get da votes an nen send any git ee likes.. . . Dat aint deemocrisy! Woodnt be so bad if we could send um an dey dint ave ta cum back. but dey do!. . . an we ave ta pay um! Corse ee loved it wen dere lordships wus stuffin da Tories but ee dont like it now do ee? Eel probly bolish um an fill da place wiv Mandy Meddlsums uncals.
an guess wot! Yore aw dyin uv food poisnin! Ar mum sed it wood appen wen dey stopped teechin domestic sience to da gerls at scool. Dey cant cook er do nuffink now. my bruvver reccons I should marry Eeffin Else at da Chinese takeaway, she nos ow to cook . Mine you, lucky for I, not many jerms can servive are mums chip pan. any ow I aint getin marrid, no. . fank. . .you. By da time elf an safty ave finished wiv dis littaw lot we shall eevin ave ta sterilize da teepot afor we as a cuppa tee.. . . . I blame Weena Curry. shes anuvver Yoro fanatik. Deys got nuffin better ta do. Trubble is dey cant see it can dey? We aint dyin! Weem aw livin to long.. . . dey cant afford da penshuns
