View from a Shop Doorway
January 1999
Copyright by Charles Henry
Well stone me, middle uv January 1999 an its cawd out yer smornin. Wee’v ‘ad loads of jingle bells an’ luv thy neybour but nuffins reely changed av it. Ar mums seein’ if she can get da social ta give ‘er dett relief like dere givin da therd world. I tawd ‘er she’d ‘av to stop shop liftin an run up sum proper detts first. Thas if she can find somone other than da council, daft enouff ta giv er credit. She dont pay rent no more anyow an’ she’s ‘opin dey’ll stop um cuttin off ‘er wat’er wen she dont pay dat. She finks self-serviss means elp yerself, an shes certinly good at dat!
She wonts I ta wear short trowsers an tell um I’n only forteen. . . . You nos, famly allowanse or wot ever dey caws it now! I tawd er dont be silly muvver, me legs may not be very ‘airy, but wen dey seen I up close she’d be dun fer croolty an’ dey’d put I in care. I wont avin dat, wus I, . . . no way.
Wot! . . Dey reccon dere’s more of um in dey places dan in Tony Blair’s cabinet.
I’ve started takin Yoros, mine you I aint seen none yet! My bruvver reccons da Yoro MPs is ‘avin a £20,000 a yer pay rise.(thas abowt 28,000 Yoros) Corse you no oos payin for it dont you! . . . ALL DA MUMS, INT DEY . dey’m puttin VAT on CHILDRINS CLOVES AN FOOD. Me bruvver finks wen Tony Blair bolishes parliment in 2002 weel ave to start sayin da Lords Prayer in Germun. I tawd’n, will I ell!, I’n not startin prayin fer no bugger! dat soon shut ee up!
Ee ‘ates me you no. Wen we wus kids we used pretend we wus scouts an go an do ‘Bob a Job’, ‘cept we did it fer pownds an ‘ad ‘alf each. Corse I grew up finkin dere wus only 10 bob in a pownd cos of ee. dint I !
Dere Lordships in da ‘uppa owse’ terned out ta be a sneeky bunch, well I spec dey lernt dat at public scool stayin out the way a da bot’um spankers. Mr ‘Ague soon showd dey oos boss doe. Dere dey wer doin’ deels wiv da pryministers gofer Alister , be’ind ‘is back, an now sum uv um is keepin dere retirment jobs a bit longer.
Dey wus supposed tA be tryin tA stop da pryminister sendin MPs ta Brussels nun uv us nos. Ee wants ta get aw the votes an nen send any irriot ee likes.. . . That aint deemocrisy!
Woodnt be so bad if we could send um an dey didnt ave ta cum back. but they do!. . . an’ we ave to pay um!
Corse ee used to luv love it wen dere lordships wus stuffin the Torys but ee dint like it wen dey wus stuffin ee now did ee ?
Eel probly bolish um an fill the place wiv Mandy Meddlsums uncals. . . . dat wont alf be frendly. I bet dey sits late den..
Thas of course if dey aint aw sulkin now eev ad to resign. Shame reely cos if cheap loans ‘ad reely caught on weed could aw uv ‘ad big ‘owses an let em out ta a few illegal imigrants. just fink, Ten to a room would av brawt in a few bob. Any ow das Two of em gone. I wonder ool be next? , I ouldn’t trust any of um faver ‘n I could frow um.
An guess watt! Yore aw dyin’ uv food poisnin! Ar mum sed it wood appen wen dey stopped teechin domestic sience to da gerls ut scool. Dey cant cook er do do nuffink now. Me bruvver reccons I should marry ‘Enffin Else’ at da Chinese takeaway, now she reely can cook ! Mine you, lucky for I, not many jerms can servive ar mums chip pan..
(any ow I aint getin marrid til I ‘as to. No point if you can get it free is dere?)( someone ta cook I meens) . . .
By the time elf an safty ‘ave finished wiv this litle lot we shall even ave to sterilize the teepot afor we as a cuppa tee.. . . . I blame Weena Curry. shes anuvver Yoro fanatik. Deys got nuffin better ta do as dey . Trubble is dey cant see it can dey!
We aint dyin! Weem aw livin too long!. . . dey cant afford da penshuns can dey!
