View from a Shop Doorway
June/July 1999
Copyright by Charles Henry
Crikes, diss ull take sum getin yoost to, aw diss brush work. . . Still gives I time ta fink. Da geezer yer finks dey’ll aw go bankrupt now. wot wiv diss new Car Parkin Tax. Da cowncill av gone bleedin mad. Deys closed roads, deys put traffic lites evrywear, deys caused bleedin traffic chaos evrywear, den dey blames da peeple wot works an lives yer. I tell ee peeples getin pritty brassed off wiv it aw now, an I reccon afor long dey’ll be takin drastic acshun. Corse dey in da cowncil wots aw index linked an ‘flation proofed, an’ dey sustrans lot dont care do um. Dey finks money grows on Lottery Trees don’um.
Did you see dat git oo put a vegatarian in charge of agriculture in da Welsh Sembly. I meen ! in Wells dey livs on Mutton an Beef don’um. It aint like Ireland wear dey livs on spuds. Next fing dey’ll be puttin a fairy in charge of Marridge Guidance, Ron Davies in charge of moral behavyer, an the N.F.U. in charge of ‘rite ta roam’. . .Eh? wots da diffrence tween Jonafon Atekin an Ron Davies den?. . . Ron Davies dint get caught tryin ta stuff da Gardian.
Tonys in da mire over Kosovo. Ee fought de yoropeans ud let ee be in charge wiv Bill, but dat lot ‘ont put um selves out fer no bugger. deym aw fritened ta deff ta get in an sort it out. Tawk about ‘avin a war by comitee. Corse aw the luvvies finks if you tawks nice ta peeple they’ll tawk nice back, but it don’t aw ways work like that do it. It’s da same wiv kids. Sometimes da only fing dat’ll stop um is a good clip rownd da yerol. It never did my bruvver no arm any ow.
Ee ates me ya no, wen we wus kids ar muvver used ta like I better dan ee, well I wer smaw an cuddly an ee wer a smart mouf git. . . ee still is!. . . . corse wen ar anty Lil cum round fer tea wiv Ediff, eed aw ways be showin off an she’d make un leeve the table, an I’d av all ‘is trifle! Corse den on Saterdays eed pinch me comic an tell are muvver I’d spent me money on sweet cigeretts, den I’d get a clip ‘ouldn’t I. Corse in da end ar Anty Lil ‘ould clout un fer messin wiv Ediff , an wun fer luck fer tellin lies abowt I.
Well da wars over fer now any ow. Wot a cock up. Corse Tonys putin a fancy spin on it, but wot a mess deys left. An now deym findin out, wile dey wus pontificatering about sendin in da troops, dat lot wer werse dan ‘Itler. Old Madlin ‘Aff Rite wus a classic example of a woman tryin to do a mans job. Dey just dont ged it do um. You as ta be a battleaxe like Maggie if yoom gonna mix it wiv the big boys. If they’d ad ‘Enry Kissinjer in charge Dey’d a sorted dis wen dey did Bosnia. You cant keep givin dese peeple secund chances. Evin if dey do get rid of Slobba, an dey probly ‘ont. It’ll take yers an yers ta clear up dat lot. An oos payin? well we aint we. . . . . Yeah Minmum wage now an I’n still payin tax !
An wot abowt Mr. ‘Ague den. Ee reely showed dey luvvies down da Blair Broadcasting Compney dint ee. Dey keeps on about Yorup cos dey spends dere time flyin over dere pollutin da air in dese Jet Planes. Youd ‘ve ta leave yer car engine runnin fer a mumff ta make up fer a trip ta Brussels in a plane. Well dey nos now the British peeple aint gonna be dictated to by no forin geezers, evin Tony Benn ave told um. An ee nose wot ees tawkin about.
I wer listnin the uvver day to a fone in on da radio. Aw dis geezer kept sayin wus, ” Snot John, ‘Snot John, its Keef its Keef “. Keef ?, oos bleedin Keef I fawt. Dint matter any ow dey kept
callin un John an ee got madder an madder. I fawt oo da ells John any ow anuver of dees over payed gits. I spec ees da won wot lives rown yer somewer. I ‘ope ee dont reed this or I’ll probly loose me job if ee cumplanes.
