View from a Shop Doorway
October 1999
Copyright by Charles Henry
I’v nerly lost me job. Dey’s givin I a ‘fishal warning. . .Well it’s ‘Er ain’t it , not ‘Ee. . . Stroof I only sed trouble wiv Maggie she wer a woman. Dey likes ta dish it out don’t um but dey can’t take it can um. I’n getin fed up wiv aw diss womens lib. Wot wiv aw deese Blairs Babes. Deys got aw diss mouf but as soon as deres a problem deys screamin fer one uv us ta go an sort it out for um. Did you see dey army recrutes on tele on basic traynin. Dey ‘ad dere bleedin ‘air spray an aw dere make up wiv um, an dey wer weepin all over da place. . . Tawk about Dads Army, twer more like Mummy’s Mincers, . . no ! . . . dey wus girls!
Mr. Portillos cum out. . . Ee recconed ee ‘ad a sexual experience wen ee wer young. . . . My bruvver ad one wiv ar anty Lils dog. . . Ee used ta try it on wiv I but I’d tell un , ” Git down! , Git Down! “. I’d shake the bugger off an make un get back in ‘is kennil. She’ve ad un castrated now (da dog I meen not me bruvver). . . . Ee ‘ates me ya no. Wen we wus kids we yoost ta go scrumpin apples. Ee used ta make I get over da wall an climb da tree cos I wer smaw. Den eed tie a rope to a bag an make I fill it. Corse ta get back I wer sposed ta climb da rope while ee ‘eld it. den we’d get da bag an off we’d go. Corse diss geezer cums an catches I don’t ee. Me bruvver whips the bag away wiv da rope an buggers off an leaves I don’t ee. . . . An ee wants ta get on da cowncil don’t ee, . . . da git.
Well da confrence seeson uv cum an gone ain it. Da Lib/Dems wus a bit uv a damp squib. Ol Kennedys cum out fer yorup. Dat’ll cost un. . . . I mean a Yoros only worf about fruppence now. Wot idiots gonna swap dere pounds fer monoply money like dat. . . Paddy’s still cosyin up ta Tony . I fink ee wants ta be a Tony Crony now , like Heseltine and Patten. Tony don’t quite no wot ta do next now eev run out uv sound-bites. Most uv da problems we got means peeples got ta get up off dere backsides an ‘elp umselves but dey ont. Yorup keeps tellin peeple theym workin too ‘ard. Wot a joke! . . . Wun lots bein stuffed by berocracy an da uvver lots livin it up on da gravy train. Ar Anty Lil’s bloke reccons if we aint carefull weel aw be payin fer Yorups penshuns cos weem da only ones wots saved up proply (Well I aint but you no wot I meen). Gordys got da hump cos ee wants ta be Pryminister but Alister Cambell wont let un. . . Corse we dint vote for un but ees da wun wots runnin fings reely. . . Mine you peeples beginin ta relise it wer da Torys wot reely sorted out da mess an now Tonys sittin on Billions uv ar money.
Mr ‘Ague cum out fightin’. Ee’s callin’ fer sum common sense. I meen if a girl ‘as one baby an she don’t no oo da dad is dat could be a mistake, but if she as two er free, I meen why should we av ta keep um?
Da pleece is on about drugs again. . . Wot else can you expect!. . Deese Womens Libbers as spent firty yers destroyin da famly wiv equal pay. so now aw da mums as ta go out ta work ta keep up instead uv bein ‘ome lookin after da kids an givin um a fick ere wen dey needs it. . It dint do I no ‘arm any ow. . I mite be a bit fick but I don’t go rownd steelin an muggin old ladies. I reccon it ud be beter ta pay um ta stay ‘ome an do ‘owse work! . . no skivin mind! tea on da table an kids in bed by six a clock. Caw, . .dat wer darin sayin dat! . . I’ll get beeton up now I spec.
Yer I wer reedin sum cultral do’s an dont’s fer da pleece in da paper da uvver day. You no, don’t do diss, dont say dat, don’t call um ‘my luv’, you no, . . no offending no forin geezers. I fawt ta meeself, wot ‘appened ta wen in Rome do wot da Romans do den ? does dat meen. dey bleedin Ozzes ull av ta stop callin us Pommes? I meens, we stuffed da bleedin Eyeties in da rugby dint we, deym a load a big girls. Dey dont mind us callin um Eyeties, weem aw good mates reely, eevin wen dey stuffs us at football, da gits. I meen dey cooks bleedin good Peetzuz dont um.
