View from a Shop Doorway
Nov/Dec 1999
Copyright by Charles Henry
."aw right I’n cummin". .She’s aways on! It’s awrite fer you, . . New yers Eve an I’ll av ta bleedin work. . I got ta go bleedin washin up! . . Me!. . . They reccon they’s got no staff round next doors resteront an they’s volunteered I!. . . Mine you they reccons theys payin good money. . . Minmum Rate + Tips. . . . . Ya do get tips when you goes washin up don’t you ? . . . . . . . I fawt so. I aint stupid.
Tony’s upsettin a lot a peeple agen. Anyone ‘oo dont agree wiv un is forces uv conservatism. Lets fink?… Tony Benn, Ken Livinston, Emperer Wots is name, Arfer Scargill, an a corse ee fergot alf a they wot voted for un fought ee wer a conservative. They caws un TORY Blair dont um. Yeh I reccon eev got is knickers in a twist diss time. Youd fink ee ad enough problems wot wiv gettin ‘is wife preggers again. It must uv bin a good ‘oliday any ow. Good timin’ wannit. Just wen ee wer goin ta av ta av Dobbo fer Day Mare and Canny Ken fer is Night Mare. Now eel av all is luvvies an all is babes singin’ rock abye baby in da tree tops. . .Ee just wanna ‘ope da bow don’t break Corse now eev got da Tories wiv dere own nitemares wot wiv ‘amilton and Lord Archer. . .Still at least they weren’t lookin fer sheep on Clapham Common.
Da Round Eds in Osstraylia dint get dere way did um. They all voted ta keep da Queen. Are muvver reccons it ud be a poor old world if no bugger spoke proper like wot she do, an aw we ad in charge wus some smart arse gits wot makes a few quid an nen finks theym aw ‘uppa clawss’. I mean she don’t go flawntin it like some bleedin film star do she. I mean ‘isterys ‘istery in it. She is related ta Queen Anne an’ ‘Enry da eighff aint she. Not like Tony Blair, related ta Alf Garnets son in law.
My bruvvers gettin a new bike fer Crissmuss. Wun wiv loads a gears. Are nans nittin ‘im a new balaclava ta keep is littaw yers warm on cold mornins. . Wen ees got is face mask on ee looks like summat out uv War un Peece during da air raids. Ee ‘ates me yu no! wen we were kids ee used ta get I ta ‘old is place in da que fer a ‘air cut on Saterdays while ee went up da chip shop wiv Ediff. Corse wen it cum ta my turn I’d end up last an miss me bus, an ave ta walk ‘ome. . An EE wants ta get on da cowncil!. .da git.
Eh! oos da biggest perve den ? . . A older bloke wot gets off wiv a fourteen yer old girl , er a older bloke ‘oo wants ta get off wiv a sixteen yer old boy. Are anty lils bloke reccons da sixteen yer old boy ull need ta be able run a dam sight quicker than da fourteen yer old girl. . . ee reccons girls got more sense anyow!. . they nos wot theym doin. Its like they wot marries ugly gits wiv loads a money. .They aint stupid!.. . Corse wen they finds out theys got loads a money an no brains its a diffrent story init.
Tony Blairs tryin ta get aw me old mates off da streets. Corse they encurridged um wen da Tories wus in power so dey could blame Misses Facher! . . corse now weem supposed to be boomin, thas a joke, theym aw still out dere makin more money than da penshuners! still if dey goes ahead wiv da Pole Tax on Wheels,( road tolls), dere ont be no bugger left in Bristaw ta beg from cept they wot lives yer. an theym tighter than are Ediffs nicker ‘lastic. . . .You ast my bruvver!. . . an while yoom about it you ast un wot ee wer doin in Ediffs room at two oclock in the mornin New Yers Day, 1988!. . I were gonna keep it to meself but I ‘ont no more , cant av no sleeze in Bristaw can we.
Mr Portillos got back in ta parlament. Eel be in good cumpany now. da party oppasit ull luv ee now. Mind you it uv all changed abit since ee were last dere. Eel find da back benches a bit bum py ta start wiv I spec. Da laber partys got such a big majority theym aw a bit cocky now, sum more dan uvvers! no wot I meen? Mr ‘ague ull probly put un on the front bench wiv ee sum time next yer. It’ll liven up a bit den I spec. Ah I can ‘ardly wait fer New Yer now, no bleedin buses, no taxis, ‘angovers, bills, babies cryin’, back ta work an ‘ope da bug dint get ee,. .corse thas if you still got wun wot wiv aw dese takeovers.
