View from a Shop Doorway
Jan/Feb 2000
Copyright by Charles Henry
Wot a bleedin mumf Janry were!. . We’ve ad da bleedin y2k bug awrite ant we, an it wernt in no bleedin cumputer wer it .. . . Don’t cum near I. . . I don’t wannit!. . I reccon we’ve aw ‘ad ‘Cambell’ … . One minit it wer normall levels uv cawds an flu an’ da ‘ospittaws coun’t cope, an Da Goverment wer useless pratts. Next fing it wer da worst epidemic fer ‘undreds uv yers an da government wer wonderful under da circumstances.. . . See ‘twernt flu at aw,. . . .’twer ‘CAMBELL’. . . I dont no wot ta say reely. . . Da centers finished. ‘Undreds went down nere fer new yer ta stand around an get aw worked up, but wot is it?. . . I mean, wot is it?. . . ’slike Charlie Dimmocks bin down dere wiv Alan Titmarsh an used up alot uv left overs frum da B&Q’s Sell(sale).. . Ship Shape an Bristaw Fashion?. . Dogs Breakfast next Day more like! . . . You coun’t make it up could you?
Next fing dey’ll be makin a bleedin mess a Canons Marsh. . .an fer wot!. . fer crist sake you cant get yer no more any ow. Deys closin’ aw da bleedin roads an putin in bus lanes. . . .Wot da dey fink peeples gonna do, sprout wings an fly! er paddle a canoo up da bleedin river. dey ‘ont catch a bus ta the city ground so dey sure ‘ont do fer da poncy goins on deys got planned.
. . . . . . I’n wiv da Vicker, . . I reccon it’ll be In’uman.. . Da cowncil ‘av frown it out agen but I spec dey gits ull try an get da sectry a state to overrule um.. . .I tell ee wot tho. If da guvernment allows dey ta put up dey boxes ‘an sheds down dere Bristaw peeple ull never fergive um. We’ve ad nuffin but crap put up aw over da place. Bristaw wer surrounded by sheds in da Eightees an now dey wants ta fill up the docks wiv um an as soon as we try ta visit um dey’ll close dey bleedin roads an’ aw!
I ‘erd da ‘Elf Sectry wer ringing up France an askin dey if dey’d ‘av some uv are ‘CAMBELL’ victims, cos are ‘ospitals is full up wiv dey wot caught dere deaf uv pnewmonia ‘angin around ta get in ta da Millenium Dome. . I said yeh, . . get on, . . send um over. Dey ‘ont eat none uv ar bloody beef, So we cant give um C.J.D. . SO let’s give um aw a bloody good dose a ‘CAMBELL’ instead. . . . Dey ‘ates us da French. . Dey’ve ‘ad aw dat oil on da beeches. . . Terrible. . . Mine you I spec we’ll aw ‘ave ta pay um compensashun, you no, Yorup!. . . an aw da time we’ve ‘ad sod aw off dey fer burning ar lamb an reckin’ ar bleedin lorries. . . An’ dey doos aw dat on purpose!. . .’ twernt no accident like wot da oil wus.
My bruvver bin moufin’ off agen.da git. . Ee talks some bloody rubbish ya know. Mine you ‘twernt nuffin a bullet in da ‘ed ‘ouldn’t cure. . . Ee reccons wen Mayor Lady ‘Olland makes everyone ride round Bristaw on bikes like ee, we’ll aw be alot ‘appier cos dere ‘ont be no more road rage. . . I said to un. . . Tony Blair might fink ee can walk on wawt’er, da smarmy git, but ‘Ell a freeze over, an’ ar anty Lil ull ‘ave a sex change an’ adopt Michael Barrymore, afore peeple ull give up dere bleedin cars!, . . . . . Bikes?. . Buses?. . Trams?… Thas like goin back ta da bleedin dark ages! . . Ee ‘ates me ya know my bruvver. . .Wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta put chewin gum in me cap gun, corse mine ‘unt work den uld it.. .. I’d ad it den ant I!. . Eed kill I, er tie I to a tree er summat. . . Corse eed awways ‘ad ta be da bleedin sheriff dint ee!. . da git.
Wot about da wages wot dese civil servants gets den. Wun of uns on Eighteey fousand a yer an now dey’s avin early retirement. If dey lives till deym ninety we’ll av ta keep um in luxery doin nuffin fer forty yers gettin’ more money dan a ‘osspittaw Sister wots workin!. . . Dat can’t be right! . . da worlds gone bleedin mad . . . Oo sed socialism wer dead?. . . I tell ee
iss alive an’ kickin’ in Bristaw. . . An weem da ones gettin’ bleedin kicked. . . . Wots worse, da new one wots cummin instead ull be gettin even bleedin more! . Wot abowt askin sumone if deylll do it fer LESS. . . I spec deres ‘undreds oo ‘ould.. . . Rip Off Brittin?. . .I’ll say tis. an it’s da bleedin guvernment wots rippin’ us off!
Well da Yoros ‘ad it, da Domes ‘ad it, Dobbos ‘ad it, Lord Jeffrys ‘ad it, probly Two Jags uv ‘adit, an’ Decumisionin’ uv ad it.
