View from a Shop Doorway
November 2000
Copyright by Charles Henry
Awtums yer agen! . . next fing it’ll be Crismus!. . Wot abowt da petrul crisis den. . Tonys a bit put out ain’t ee. . . Ee still dont ged it mine you, do ee. It aint jest Farmers an Lorry drivers oos pissed off, its evryone you tawks to. . . if ee aint very careful. It’ll be da end of un.
Dey give old Slobadob da eev ho dint um! . . dat were werf watchin’.. . Peeple power dat were, no messin. . . dere’s a few around da world wanna take note. Yorup fer a start. dey in Belgum ‘ad da rite ideal an aw. . . It’s cummin ta summat wen you as ta keep watchin yer back ta make sure sum buggers in government somwhere dont try an get above umselves. . . Dey fergets, da world went ta war ta stop aw diss dictater nonsense, an if dey keeps tryin it on weel av ta smack um one.
Deym tryin ta rubbish bein’ Bri’ish now. Youd a fawt dey’d a lernt summat after da ‘lympics. Seein aw ar afleetes rappin umselves in da Union Jack an singin’ God save da Queen. But no! dey just keeps on peddlin dere lefty proaganda. . . Wot dey wants is a piddlin Souf West Regional government so’s aw dey luvvies can get tagevver a pretend deym important. . . Corse, aw we ull av ta pay fer it, own’t we!
Bristaws got ta put up wiv da bleedin’ laber lot down da cowncil fer a bit longer after da local election. It wer a bit close. Corse lots a dey down soufville finks dey liberels is aw rite but deym nerly as bad as laber wiv yorup an cars, an tax, an aw dat.
Da wevvers bin givin evryone grief. Some poor sods ‘as bin flooded two er free times already an it’s only November. . . . Corse aw da profits a doom is ‘avin a feeld day aint they. . . . Climit Change, Global Warmin, da Norf Pole’s gonna melt. . . . I’n sick a yerin’ abowt it. . . Fing is, Two Jags still got ‘is Two Jags, Aw dey buggers in Lundon carrys on livin it up on ar taxes an da bleedin Teechers is aw so stressed they as ta keep flyin’ off on ‘oliday on daey filfy jet planes.
Goverments still kickin’ da farmers an da Tories over BSE. Now dey reccons if you liquidates da spinal nerves uv a sick cow, (one wiv BSE I means, not me bruvvers girlfrend) an nen injects a sheep wiv it, da sheep ull catch it an aw!. . . . well I seys!, stop bleedin doin it nen! or dey’ll aw ged it.
Dey ‘ownt take tellin’ do, yer wastin’ yer breff wiv dey!
Me bruvvers started phonin’ da pleece evry time ee sees a tracter on da road, ee swears blind dey’m aw goin’ shoppin, er goin’ down the docters er summat usin’ Red Deezaw. . . I tawd un, if ee wer ta keep is mouf shut a bit mor, an stop tawkin’ ‘ot air, we could aw av two Jags an ee could flog ‘is bike. . . . Ee ‘ates me ya no!. . . Wen we wus kids an ‘ad ta walk ‘ome frum skaw, ee used ta make I carry ‘is sachel. . . Corse wen we wus late ‘ome, ‘eed tell are mum I’d been skuffin me shoes an walkin in da road. An aw da time ee wer tryin ta shove I under a bus. . . An ee wants ta get on da cowncil, da git!
Yer! uv you ‘erd abowt dat fish wot you ‘angs on the wall an it sings “Take me back ta da River". . . . Dey reccon Two Jags gave Tony one. . . Wot dey should uv done is give un one wiv a modaw uv Mandy Meddlesum puckering up ‘is lips an singin’ “Lets get ta gevver, you an me", “Ewe know I’ll never find anuvver Ewe” er “Please don’t ‘ang me out ta Dry, I’ve only got eyes for you". Mine you, one wiv Gerry Adams ‘oldin a gun and showtin’ “Bang” might be mor fittin’.
Well I dunno I’n seriusly finkin’ uv ‘andin in me notice. . . Ive werked yer fer quite a long time now, an’ da bosses wife still gives I grief. . . I’m finking uv seein’ if I can get compensashun fer sexual ‘arrisment agen. . . I used ta fink if I played me cards right I could be ‘er Toy Boy, but da way fings er workin’ out, ever sinse I sed I smoked pot wen I wer on remand, de only bodily functions she da wont I for, is carryin’ er shoppin, washin’ up, an clearin’ up dogs mess on da pavement. I fought wen she first ast I if I’d ad any experience uv ladies Millinery, she ment knicker bockers an aw dat. Corse I fownd out since, boss wer gonna do ‘owse clearance an aw dey awd biddies aways as loads of old ‘ats.
