View from a Shop Doorway
February 2001
Copyright by Charles Henry
It’s bin a bit cawd owt yer lately. Crismus wer a ‘elluv a long time ago now wernit. ‘Twernt much fun any ow. I went ta are anty Lils some days. Twer awrite cept ‘er bloke wanted I ta ‘elp ee pinch Crismus trees, an I ount do it. . . . I dint wanna spend Crismus inside did I. . . Ee don’t need da money any ow . . .Wot wiv ‘is bad back, an ‘is bad leg, an ‘is compensation fer trippin’ up down da centre. . . . I Tell ee wot tho, dat MP awt ta get a few fowsand fer brakin’ er bleedin arm. . . . shame wan’it.. . . It could’nt a ‘appened ta a nicer person. . . Meself Ive ‘ad ta resort ta playin me flute. Well I says playin it but reely da trick is ta drive um aw mad playin’ wrong notes. . . I reccon dey finks I’n simple so dey sticks summat in me ‘at jest ta shut I up.
Seems like we’ll be ‘avin a genral ‘lection in April er May. Gordy ull be dishin out a few goodies in da budget. ‘EeL be ‘opin da stockmarket don’t sink no ferver . Ees ‘appy ta take credit fer good news but ee don’t like takin da blame fer any bad news. Any ow eel blame Eddy George if it aw starts goin pearshaped.
Mr. ‘Ague uv ‘ad da last laff wiv donations. . . Da Laber party ‘ad loads uv rich gits givin they millions an millions fer dere fightin’ fund an nen dey wus makin’ out da tories ud struggle ta get none. . . Nen diss uvver rich git gives old ‘Ague five million and says ee might give sum more if dey needs it. . . . Corse Blair can’t say nuffink cos ee started it dint ee. Wot a laff.
Mandy av bin economicaw wiv da troof agen. . . Sum forin geezer av got a British passport affter ee wer gonna giv five million quid ta da Millenium Dome. . Corse ee makes out dere wernt no ‘anky panky an dey wer jest nice peeple oo wants ta liv yer an any ow dey only got a paltry million quid in da end. Das peanuts fer aw dey. . . Corse ee tells porkys an drops Tony’s buggerygard rite init so guess wot, Thas rite, . . . You are da weekist link Mandy, . . . . .Fly off!. . . . . cept ee keeps ‘is big Jag, ee keeps is coppers to protect un, an ‘is penshun. . . . . Mine you deres still sum more ta come out yet, . . . you wait an see!
Bentawls av gone ant dey. . . My bruvver reccons dey wer too posh fer Bristaw, but I tawd un, . . . It wer pratts like ee oo finks weem aw gonna ride round on bikes wot dunnit for um. . . . Ee ‘ates me ya no, . . .wen we wus kids we used ta ride on da escalaters down Lewis’s. . . . Ee used ta run up da down ones, upsettin aw da customers, corse I’d be stuck dere goin down wiv aw on um wernt I, . . I,d be gettin’ aw da aggro. . .den deyed tell da manager, an I’d be chucked out on me yerole. . . an now ee wonts ta be da bleedin Mayer! Da lyin git! Sum ‘ope! . . John Lewis ad da rite ideal yers ago. . . . Ged out uv it while yoom ahead. . Lets ‘ope Dingles can do bet’er down Broadmead dan up Clifton. . . . At least dey’ll av a nice new store.
Yer, . . I don’t fink thees bet’ter hang about too long if thees goin in ta av yer tonsils out. . . . Next fing dey’ll be taken yer leg off ta give ta sum ta sum geezer wot lost ‘is in da war. . . Deys been pinchin allsorts a bits an pieces off uv dead bodies an aw. . . Mine don’t spose it ‘erts once yoom dead do it. . . . I mean sum uvver bugger mite be glad uv me liver. . . .Da cider ant done un much good, nor are aunty Lil’s curry but I spec deres a few miles left in un.
Did you vote fer more cowncil tax?. . no . .nor did are muvver . . . sums got more money dan sense mine you! . . . . Meeself I reccon dey should swap a couple a ‘undred civil servants fer teechers. . .Eever dat er pay um less! . . . Civil servints I means not teechers.
Well looks like da cuntryside march down Lundon ull be off now cos uv foot-in-mouf. . . I reccon Tony got they animal rights gits doing that. Cept if weem spose ta beleev da polls weel av ta put up wid un fer anuvver five yers any ow. . . . I jest ‘ope da polsters av bin tawkin ta eechuvver an not reel peeple. Mine you da Liberals reccon Somerset peeple wants ta pay loads more cowncil tax an we knows dat aint true..sos dere ‘ope fer us aw yet.
