View from a Shop Doorway
August 2001
Copyright by Charles Henry
‘Ow do. . . well wot a summer!. . . . Foot an’ Mouf , Jeffrey Archer jailed fer pergery, da ‘Amiltons accused uv rape wen dey wernt evin dere . . . . . . evry wer you goes you got lyin gits lying about dere sex lives. . . . Wot did Clinton say, . . “I did not have sex wiv dat woman", . . . My bruvvers anuvver. . . You as ta count yer fingers if you shakes ‘ands wiv ee. . . Lord Geoffreys stories wus so tall ee ad ta buy a skyscraper office block ta putt aw is money in. . . I wer just finkin fings couldnt get no worse, an now Is just ‘erd Ol Argy-Bargy erself , ar squeaky clean, trubble makin, manic warden basher, Jean Tidy up Clifton Village, is leevin us an going ta torment sum uvver buggers cowncillers. . . . . . .Wot are we gonna do now ?. . . .Weel as ta advertize fer a replacement er da cowncil ull fink its Crismus.
Da Tory leadership bataw av been turnin’ a bit nasty. . . . Ar Anty Lil reccons if Ken Clarke wins she’ll be cancellin er membership. . . She reccons ever since dey ditched Maggie da Tories av bin messed up by they Euro Luvvies . . She reccons weem an Island so it don’t make no sense givin up are fishin an ar farmin, an nen opin we can live on sellin curried rice ta yoropean tourists an immigrants. . . Deys already started tryin ta put the boot inta Duncan-Smiff an I reccon eel av ta try an get a few workers on is side. I reccon eel av ta come up wiv a scheme fer more owses fer teechers an nurses in places like Lundun.
Dere ain’t much goin’ on dis time a yer. . . . Sum says it’s da silly season. . Owse prices in Bristaw is sky igh. . . . First time buyers don’t know wevver ta buy now er not. . . Sum peeple fink prices ull keep on goin up but are anty Lils bloke reccons wen prices is goin up they finks dey ownt stop just like wen theym goin down dey finks dey ownt stop. . . . Tony Blair finks ees King Kunoot. . . Ee finks if ee says we ain’t gonna av no more bust, it ownt appen. . . . Trubble is foot an mouf dint take no notice of un did it, so why do ee fink anyfing else ull take notice of un.
Ospitaws is as bad as ever. . Dat poor bloke died after bein on a trolley awday. . . ‘Elf service is safe in Tony’s ‘ands ee reccons. . Ah!. . safe as a EdgeOg on da M1. . . If you wants a pointment wiv yer docter dese days you as ta give un two mumffs notice, . . an nen wen you gets dere eel be on oliday an sum uvver geezer ull be dere oo don’t evin know if yoom left anded.. . . . Wot! . . I aint takin my trousers down fer no strangers!
My bruvver ad a close shave. . . Ee ates me ya know. . . . Wen we wus kids ee thought I were gonna get special treatment, cos are Docter gave are muvver a bottle of red pills fer er constipation. . . Corse ee fought dey wus sweets fer I sos ee goes and scoffs a load of um. . . Dat showed ee. . Ee dint cum out the toilet fer free days! . . Tawk abowt skid marks on the tail uv is shirt. . . Ee must a broken da world record.
If yoom a massekist yous bin watchin dey bleedin Ozzies stuff us in da cricket. . . Seems like deym aw weened on willow. . . . If you show um a red levver ball and dey got a bat in dere hand, dey finks it uv cum frum outer space and wack it back where it cum from. . . Only chance we got is if they Waugh bruvvers start takin bribes. . . Still I spose if you lives in a country wer aw da womens cawed Sheela, and deres nuffin else ta do ‘cept shoot crockadiles, er drink 4X , yoom bound ta get good at summat wooden.
( I opes they don’t know wer I lives)
I’n opin da bosses wife ull start trying ta ring I up at ‘ome tonight. . . . no, no, . no !. . not fer sex ! . . . Stress I means. . You know! . . sort of corperut naggin. . .das da latest scam, . . . you know, . . work shy uv the world unite, . . more maternal leeve, more bank olidays, . .
