View from a Shop Doorway
October 2001
Copyright by Charles Henry
Dere’s a ‘ill wind’ ar anty Lil reccons. . . Ood a fought da whole world ud a bin standin’ shawder ta shawder wiv George Dubya, . . . ‘cept da Liberals dat is. . . Middaw East av cawd a truce an eevin da IRA’s gonna av ta change, cos da whole world is pissed off wiv terorists wot kills peeple. . . . . . Iain Duncan Smiff av cawd a truce wiv Tony fer the duration, an da Liberal Democrats er finking uv callin’ umselves da Awd Labour Tootin’Alliance Party. . . Dey reccon if Osama bin Laden ud bin given a passport an a seat in da ‘owse a Lords, ‘eed uv helped us get more Afghan nurses ta prop up the ‘Elf service by now. . . . An nen deyed uv only ad ta put tax up a ha’penny!
Mine’ you, . . . aw dey on dat ship in Australia wus Afgans want dey. . . . Looks like weem aw gonna av ta sort out dey murderin’ gits so aw dey asylum seekers can go back ‘ome a get a proper job. . . I mean, dey can’t aw live yer can um!
Tonys in ‘is ‘element. . . Ee sqints ‘is eyes an makes ‘is bottom lip tremble. . ‘ee lets evry one know ‘ee nos ‘ow ta say big words propley. . . but ol’ George Dubya nos eev got ta stick one on Bin Laden before ‘ee an ‘is mad mullahs nukes da lot uv us.
My bruvvers got ‘is bleedin gas mask out fer ridin’ ‘is bike, the pratt. . . . Ee finks eel av ta go on air raid duty. . I sed to un if any one sees you wearin’ dat dey’ll take yer picture an’ phone up da zoo. . Ee ‘ates me ya know. . . Wen we wus kids we yoosed ta av ta wear ar poppies ta Sunday scool . . . . corse ‘eed take is off once we wus out da ‘owse . . so da uvver kids ud beat the crap out uv mine! . . . Corse eed get ‘is out aw perfick once we got ‘ome, an’ ar mum ud clip I round da yerole. . . . An ee wants ta get on da cowncil !
Yer pensions er lookin’ a bit iffy an aw!. . . . Stock Market don’t look too elfy do it. . . Ar anty Lils bloke reccons it ull mean we’ll aw av ta work till weem reely awd. . . Corse dey wot runs it er aw rite aint dey. . . Dey makes money wot ever ‘appens. . .Deym like bookies. . ‘Eds dey wins an tails aw you lot loses. . meeself I shall av ta sell da big issue down the docks er summat. . . mine you I still aint given up on da idea a goin’ ta university. . . . .Dey students er a soft touch. . . sum uv um aint too bright you know. . .deym only dere cos no bugger ull give um a proper job an dere mums don’t want um ‘ome..
I ‘ope aw dis “let’s be pals and not rock the boat” don’t go on fer too long er we wont av a cuntry left worf sixpence. . . . Deym still tawkin rubbish about C.J.D. . . . . Deym still not happy now deys killed ‘alf are cows wiv foot an’ mouf. . . . . now dey wonts ta kill aw are bleedin sheep an aw !. . . . . Ood be a bleedin farmer ? . . . Are anty Lils bloke reccons if we av anuvver war we’ll aw starve. . an if we ‘ave a anuver recession it’ll be like livin in da fird world, cept if yoom a pleecman, a social worker, a mp er a ’sylum seeker.
Wot about ID cards then. . . . Looks like weemn aw gonna av a computer chip stuck up are belly buttons, like wot dogs av intead uv goin in ta quarinteen. . . .You’ll go ‘beep’ when you goes frew customs, an if you don’t pay yer TV licence you’ll find as soon as you stop yer car anywhere in Bristaw, a traffic warden wiv new police powers ull stick you in leg irons an ‘av yer car towed away an put in da crusher. . . . Corse if yoom in da labour party it’ll play ‘ keep the red flag flying’ and debit yer bank account 10% of yer wages, an nen send you some new luminous bicycle clips.
