View from a Shop Doorway
May 2002
Copyright by Charles Henry
Ow do’ee fancy bein’ regionalised den ?. . . no no, not dat! . . I sed regionalised ! , I wernt tawkin abowt me bruvvers operation. . . . Ar anty Lils bloke reccons Tonys goin awl out ta get is place in ‘istory as ‘da git wot got us aw gelded’. . No no no, not wearin’ womens cloves ! . . It’s like avin a operation ta have yer brain replaced wiv a bit uv chewin gum, so wen some forin git says “jump", you jumps, nods yer ‘ed an starts singin’,
“Auf vidazean pet. . . We aw luvs you,
We’ll keep werkin’ till we aw drops.
An’ even if you, . . don’t really ‘ave a clue,
We’ll still change aw ar Pounds inta Yoros.". . .
Dey wus goin ta av um aw singin’ ‘We’ll Keep da Red Flag Flyin’ but Brussels tawd un it ud av ta be Multi Colored now, not Red . . corse Tony fought dat sounded stupid, an’ ee can’t stand deckchairs eversince one collapsed on un down Weston un nerly neutralised un den, . . . So ee changed it ! . . . .corse ‘eev aw ready ad it dun now !
Yer did ee know dey wot aint right wing extremists is in da minority now. . . Aw dey in ‘Olland is right wing extremist, . . cos aw dey voted fer the party uv dat queer git wot got murdered, Pim Fortyn. . . Aw dey in Ireland as voted fer Fina Foil, an’ now deym aw right wing extremists. . . Tony reccons aw da Tories is right wing extremists, . cept fer Ken Clarke. . . Lord David Owen, ees a right wing extremist, cos ee wants ta keep da Pound an’aw . . David Blunkett’s a right wing extremist cos ee sed weem getting swampted wiv ’sylum seekers, . . an da Pleece er aw rightwing extremists cos dey don’t want ta legalise pot er av pretend pleecmen. . . Any bugger oo don’t wont da Yoro is a right wing extremist. . . Dat only leaves Mandy Meddlesum , da Dagenham Girls Choir an Mo Mowlum, but evin she finks Nu Labour is aw crooks so I suppose she must nerly be wun an’ aw now !
Me bruvvers tryin’ ta get a job ut wun of dese new country ‘oliday camps fer illegal immigrunts. Ee reccons da food ull be much better dan Butlins an eel be able ta practice ‘is French. . . stupid gitt. . . I tawd un ! . . Deym comin’ frum France an da french uv aw ready tawd um ow ta demand aw dere human rights in English. . . Ee ‘ates me ya know, wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta take aw da choclats out me Eester Egg. . I never knoo ‘ow ee dun it mine you, da slippery git. . . an ee wants ta get on da Cowncil ! . . . I tawd ar Anty Lil I were gonna ave a DNA test done on un ta make sure ee aint a misprint er some sort uv frow back. . .You never nos, . . we might be able ta get un depor’ted !
Railways is still in a bleedin mess. . Still can’t expect much more. . . Deym aw lyin gits. . . No bugger tells us da troof no more. . . Weel never know wevver some irriat vandal took da bleedin nuts off like dey Hunt Sabaters doos ta ‘orse box wheels , er wevver some pratt like me bruvver went on ‘oliday an’ dint tell no one ee ad’nt finished wot ee wer doing. . . meself I reccon dey’ll av ta start buildin’ more roads before we aw grinds to a bleedin ‘alt. . Dey spends ‘alf dere time tryin ta get us aw ta go on ‘oliday an da uvver ‘alf buggerin’ up da way we goes dere. . . Weel av ta get a Tardis each da way deym goin.
Yer !. . . I aint sexist, . . but now we got rid uv dat bearded git off da cowncil wees got aw dees bleedin women runnin’ rampant. . .Wots goin on I wonts ta know ? . . its no wunder aw dees kids is runnin riot. . . Instead of stayin’ ‘ome teechin da littaw bleeders ow ta be’ave, deym aw down da cowncil ‘owse, er up da pub ! . . Still wiv aw deese odd ‘couples being allowed ta adopt kids wevver deym marrid er not, dey’ll be bolishin proper marridge an aw soon, an nen you’ll just av ta order a Clone off da Internet. . . .
