View from a Shop Doorway
July 2002
Copyright by Charles Henry
Stroof ! . . Footballs over fank god. . . swetted fer a bit, fawt Germany wer gonna win! . . me bruvvers started wearin’ a big girls blouse wiv a big red cross, front an’ back. . . Ee caws it is cyclin’ shirt but it aint . . . It’s a big girls blouse wiv a big red cross on it, . . . like wot ee is! . . . Aw dey luvvies finks if we starts wavin’ England’s flag weel aw give up on the Union Jack. . . Ee ates me ya know, Wen we wus kids an in da Scouts, eed shove me woggle right up tight round me neck! an nen eed practise tying knots on me neckerchief. . . . An ee wants ta get on da cowncil ! . . . Dey’ll love ee if ee do ! . . . Ee finks bikes ought ta be allowed ta go on da pavements da pratt. . . Ee wonts ta solve bed blockin’ by killin’ off aw da old biddies while deym out shoppin er walkin’ derer dogs!
Yer wern’t it Tony wot sed we aw ad ta go on da internet an get some uv dat Dot Com ! . ah well we don’t yer un sayin’ sorry he wer wrong. . . Ar anty Lils Bloke reccons aw dey wot bought sum uv ad a right stuffin’. . . Ee reccons Railtrack shares wer a bleedin’ steal compared ta aw they IT’s an’ Dot Coms. . . Ee aint alf glad ee gets ‘is invulid pension fer is bad back, . . ee reccon if it gets be’ter eel av ta see if dey’ll give un legal aid cos ee smoked woodbines in da sixties an fought dey wus good fer is sex life.
Two jag’s aint very ‘appy, . . . ‘is union uv stopped is freebys. . .Dey wonted un ta vote fer nationalising everyfink. . . but ee can’t do that now ! . . ees a reconditioned socialtist wiv loads a dosh and free er four ‘owses now! . . . Two Jags, . . No scruples, . . an a index linked pension! . . . ” Stuff aw you lot, . . I’n aw right Jack “.
M32’s gonna ‘ave bus lanes so’s da pleece ull be able ta stick it on more car drivers. . I spec deym so bored up dere Por’tis’ead Leisure Cen’ter dey as ta pop out fer a bit uv ferapy on the speed cameras. . . Corse it’s too dangerous fer da poor littaw luvs arrestin’ real villins now aint it, . . Elf an Safety ouldn’t like um gettin too stressed. . . Dat poor git wot shot da burgler as ta stay in prison cos dey can’t protect un, an da uvver fievin git wot done un is gonna get fifty fousand quid damages ! . . . you couldn’t make aw diss up! . . . meenwhile ’spliffs’ rule up da pop festival as long as you pays yer protection money an’ no bugger catches you climbin’ over da bleedin fence. . . Eel be the next lefty git fer a Gong I spec. . . dat’ll be right, . . Lord Pot uv Glastonbury. . . Diss ‘furd way’ is reely wunderful don’t you fink ? . . . Legalise Cannibiss. . . give aw da kids free condoms, an’ nen let da queers adopt aw da mishaps. . . . .
Da Laber party keepin up da good work wiv sum good old fashioned bed ‘oppin’ keepin us aw amused. . . I don’t fink dey likes Big Bruvver on ‘channel swore’ getting aw the ‘edlines, . . an’ Red ‘Wots-is-name’ wants ta be allowed back in Labour party, . . . but I’n not sure Tony wonts un, . . . Eel make da rest of um look evin more dishonest dan dey aw do now !. . . . Ees reely convincing wen says “I wernt drunk, an’ I dint push dat git down no stairs, an’ I only hit un by mistake wen me girlfriend ducked".
Diss Global warmin’s getting a bit out uv hand. . . If it carries on like diss weel aw av ta start burnin’ coal again or those daft buggers oo started plantin’ vinyards ull be takin’ us ta the Yoropean Court. . . . An’ if you wus plannin’ on a bit uv early retirement thees be’ter check the small print in yer contract cos da pension funds er all lookin a bit sick, . . . less a course yoom a copper or a MP. . . . In fact it might be a very good time becum a illegal immigrunt.
