View from a Shop Doorway
August 2002
Copyright by Charles Henry
Dey ses it’s aw over. . Well it is now ! . . Da love affair wiv Tony Blair an da Unions I meens. . . . Nu laber’s in debt werse dun ar Anty Lil’s uncle Fred, . . Ees da git wot got caught nickin’ fings frew ‘is neybours loft. . . Since da stockmarket uv crashed deys begun ta reelize Gordon’s been nickin’ money out ar pension funds. So a nice retirement, playin’ Bingo on da Costa del Sol is right out da question now. . . Next fing we’ll av ta pay um evin more money jest so’s dey can get reelected. . Da first fing dey done wus fix up dere own pensions ! . . . . corse I fergot !. . . das da fird way ain’t it !
George Dubya wonts ta give Saddam Hussein a good goin’ over an get shot of un once and fer aw but aw da luvvies finks we should leave un be. . . Tonys afraid eel upset ‘is bosses in Yorup if ee ‘elps un. . . Ar Anty Lils bloke reccons if deyed gone on an sorted da git out last time we unt av aw diss bleedin’ trubble now.
Pleece uv shown umselves ta be a bigger load a wasters than aw da CSA’S missin’ favvers put ta gevver. . . . Dey little girls goes missin’, an a taxi driver reports a git in a Green Car swervin’ all over da road wiv kids init, an it takes um a bleedin week before dey starts lookin’ for un. . . . You only ‘as ta ‘onk yer bleedin ‘orn at a cyclist in Bristaw er wave yer pensawl at a traffic warden an they gets Elf an Safetee, Race Relations, a Tow Truck, an da Armed Response Team out wiv a Chieftun Tank out after ee ! . . Are anty Lil’s bloke reccons wen dey knows fer sure wot gits uv done for um, dey should string da bleeders up. . . . Corse dey ownt ! . . . . Aw dey bleedin’ ‘art Libraws ull start screamin’ ‘uman rights. . . . Ill give um ‘human bleedin’ rights. . . Give I da bleedin’ rope ! . . I’ll do it !
Now we got Global Wettin’, it’s like Global Warmin’ wiv clouds, . . . cept dey can’t quite make up dere minds why it’s awrite fer Planes ta burn millions a gallons a fuel an not pay tax, but it aint awrite fer are Anty Lil’s bloke ta bring is Armstrong Sidley Saphire (Oh aw rite then! . . ‘is Reliant Robin) in ta Bristaw. . . . da crouts uv ‘ad da worst rain since 1845 they reccon. . . . I wonder were dey found a git old enough ta remember that !? . . My bruvver reccons weel aw av ta ride are bikes an all av showers before we starts work, . . da perv. . . Ee ‘ates me ya know. . . . Wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta pinch are Ediffs’ baff towel so she’d av ta go an’ borrow ‘is wen we aw went swimmin’! . . Ee still finks she laffed at un cos ee ‘ad littaw feet.
I’n finkin’ uv doing Elvis impersanashuns ta boost me wages. . . Bosses wife reccons I looks like dat pop Idaw, Bone. . . I’ve never ‘erd of un meeself ! . . I sed to ‘er I fawt I got me looks from da rent man on me muvvers side. . . Ee wer a big Welsh git wot werked fer da council allotments committee till dey grabbed un fer rent collecting . . . Ee wore a cowboy ‘at , a yellow shirt, an winklepickers, . . . an ee ad long sideboards. . . She yoosed ta call un Daffodil . . . . I never did find out why !
Students ull be back raisin’ ‘ell again soon. . . . Still wiv a bit uv luck if da owse prices keeps risin’ dey ownt be able to afford ta live yer no more. . . . Corse wen deys starts towin’ away all derer bleedin’ cars up Kingsdown deyll have have a riot on their hands I spec. . . . Dey ownt do it down St Pauls ull they. . . . No corse dey ownt. . . .Some bugger ull shoot um das why. . . An who’d blame um.
