View from a Shop Doorway
October 2002
Copyright by Charles Henry
Well did da Erf move fer you ? . . . dey in Manchesters just ‘ad 17. . .’Owse a Commons must uv ‘ad a couple wiv ol Edwina, an’ da BBC uv rely bin rockin an’ rollin wot wiv dat ‘andsome git an’ Ulrika. . . . I’n lucky if I gets da bosses wife ta give I a ginger biscuit wiv me cuppa tea ! . . . Tony’s runnin out uv peeple ta sack cos theym aw resignin’ before Paxman gets a chance ta blame it on da Tories on Newsnite. . . An’ now da ghost uv Arfer Skargill uv reappeared in da form uv a ‘Green Goddess’.
Deys caught dat git in America wot wer shootin evrybody but they still don’t know wevver ta give Saddam a seein’ to. . Now dat Bali’s been blowd up aw da luvvies er avin’ a wobbly. . Dey in Russia wus avin trubble wiv dey Chechins an’ aw, . . but Mr Putin soon saw ta they . . Seems George Dubya wus right an da war is reely startin, cept evry time ee tries ta sort it out wiv da UN they bleedin Frenchys stirs it up.
Me Bruvvers bin cawt stealing, da theevin git. . .Well twernt reely steelin’, but ee took a elluv time takin’ back is library books. . . . Wot ever ee wanted a book on Nature Study er Naturism wot ever it’s cawd I’ll never no. . Ee ‘ates me ya know. . Wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta make I carry ‘is books an satchel ‘ome frum scool so’s ee could ang arownd wiv ar Ediff an ‘er friend Jubbly. . . . Dey aw cawd er Lubbly Jubbly cos she wer big fer er age an she ‘ad ballet lessons. . . An’ ee still wants ta get on the cowncil, even now !
Looks like Gordys gonna ‘ave ta put taxes up again, . . wot wiv da chief constable earning £130 grand an da firemen wantin £30 grand. . . Aw dey bleedin greedy Old Age Pensioners an dey greedy shop workers ull av ta take a pay cut. An dey bleedin greedy students ull av ta get bigger overdraughts an aw ! . . An wot abowt dey poor Supply Teechers now. . . ‘Ow er they gonna manage on jest £250 a day ! . . . Still by the time ol’ Charles Wotsit the new Education Secretary av finished installin all the cleaners as classroom helpers, we ownt need any a they any ow! . . Thas wer a good move I reccon !
Ar Anty Lils bloke uv put his dogs kennel on the market fer 10 Grand. . . Eev put it out the back lane by the playin’ field so it’s got plenty uv land wiv it. . . Ee reccons if it ud ad a ‘hon sweet’ instead uv jest the garden tap eed a got loads more ! . . Ees finkin’ uv floggin his Green’owse next, cept he waitin to see if da garden shed ull count as Granny Annex.
Princess Wonderful’s butler wer devastated wen ee fownd out da dress eed bin wearin’ belonged ta da cook’s granny, not da wun ee worshipped. . . Ee fawt it wer unusual to av aw dose bones in ‘er corsets, an ee never could quite understand why she needed size 18 vests an pockets in da knickers, an ee only put er Platinum ring in ‘is cutlery drawer sos ee could see if silver dip would bring the colour back.
Tony Blackburn uv found ‘is rightful place at last. . . . Ee wus da winner uv da television show ta find out if dere reely are any people more stupid dan dey wots on Big Bruvver. . . .Yep yor right ! . . Big Bruvver wus jest the tip uv da Iceburg an now dere’s a big search on to see if dere ar any intelligent people left anywhere at aw!. . . . It av now become crystal clear ow New Labor managed to win a second term. . . Dere is a rumour dat a man has been seen in Whitehall an around da Houses of Parliament, whispering in da ear of anyone who looks remotely intelligent. (Well dey think he’s whispering but dey can hardly hear) an asking dem if deyll vote for un wen ee finds ‘is party. . . Unfortunately ee’s finding most of da intelligent wuns is over 50 an only ‘ad 6 ‘O’ Levels. Aw da uvvers left school wen dey wus 15 an took early retirement wen dey became millionaires under Fatcher.
Any ow since deys found out dat most of da ‘A’ level examiners is Disleptic. . Next year dey’m turnin Cotham Grammer School into a University and getin’ Radio Bristaw to award degrees to aw dey wot reads da Guardian and phones John Turner’s morning show.
