View from a Shop Doorway
Nov/Dec 2002
Copyright by Charles Henry
Well you can tell it’s nerly Crismus, Da guvernment uv offered da pensioners £1.75 a week rise. . . Yep dey’ll aw be abbaw ta celebrate by stickin pins in Effigies of Two Jags, Four ‘Owses Prescott as dey clubs together ta buy a Pigs Trotter fer Crismus Dinner. . . . Funny aint it ! . . . . Lib Dems recconed a penny on incum tax wer gonna change evryfink. . Only fing Labour taxes uv changed is the Guvernments Lifestyle. . . Come back Maggie. . Aw is fergivin !
Firemen fawt we wus stupid an aw ! . . 40% rise fer a part time job wot Big Girls can do ! . . Ar Anty Lils bloke applied, but dey tawd un if ee werked nites eed av ta learn ow ta cook breakfast. . . Ee said wot ! . . Cookin’, . . . No Way. . . Let aw dey Big Girls do it ! . .Corse ar anty Lil ’s wurrid she ownt be able ta get nun uv um ta fix da shed door now. . . . She’d give um a few quid an dey’d come round an’ fix any a dey fings ‘er bloke oudn’t do. . . Well I spose she wer only givin um money !
Guvernments gonna make Buggery wiv 16yer awds Legal and Huntin wiv Dogs Illegal. . .Dat means it’l be safer bein’ a pervert on Clapham Common dan a Fox Hunter on Mendip!, . . an’ on Saturday Nights aw blokes is gonna ave ta ave written consent before dey chances dere luck. . . .Written Consent ! . . . . ‘Alf the buggers can’t even ‘old a pencil let alone write ! . . Can you imagine it! . . She ses, “Do you reely luv me", an by da time you finds yer pencil da bus uv come !
Me bruvver went ta Silverstone back in da summer ta watch Schumaccer. . . Ee jest stayed by the Pit Lane wiv his new Speed Gun. . . Aw dey up dere fought ee wer practicing ta be a Liberal Demacrat Cowncil Snooper ! . I sed. . Ee don’t need ta practice. . Eev been snoopin’ ever since ar Ediff ast un if ee wonted ‘is penny back ! . . Ee ‘ates me more dan dey bleedin Germans ya know. . Wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta cownt how many times I pulled da flush. . . . Eed tell ar mum I’d bin wastin’ water ! . . Now you nos. . . It’s peeple like ee wot don’t never pull da flush proply. . . . da git. . . an ee still wants ta get on da council !
Miss world is bein slagged off by dey ‘Lets Pretend We Women Don’t Need aw we Smelly Men Brigade’. . . . Adam un Eve ud uv ad ta av Immaculut Concepshun if dey lot ud bin arownd. . . . Ol’ Eevee ‘ouldn’t uv needed a Fig Leaf, . . she’d a needed a Bleedin Shed Door. . . . It’s time aw we men tawed um once an fer aw, . . if we wonts ta bleedin oggle, . . . weel bleedin oggle !. . . . Corse aw dey wots got a figger like a 1975 Austin Allegro gets TNT don’t um, an’ it puts um right off livin’ down’t it.
Any ow enuff garbage, . . Wot abowt aw dey poor bleedin soldiers wots avin ta fight fires cos dey bleedin’ firemens too bleedin idaw. . . . Fancy bein’stuck out in Bosnia er Afganistan er wherever, an’ hopin ta get ‘ome an’ see yer wife and kids fer Crismas, an den dat lefty prat caws aw dey out on strike. . . . It aint never right !. . . Prime Minister uv tawed um aw ee ownt pay um no more unless dey do’s proper hours, . . an’ are Anty Lil’s bloke reccons dis time ee meens it. . . . Eee reccons Maggie ould uv sorted it, no messin’, an if Blair don’t ees finished.
Tawkin abowt TNT and Shed Doors, I wonder if the bosses wife uv finished peelin’ me grapes.
