View from a Shop Doorway
February 2003
Copyright by Charles Henry
It’s a bit late I nos, but ‘appy Nu Yer awl on you out dere in Bristaws West End. . . An’ you wot don’t live yer, Fink yer selves lucky da bleedin council don’t ‘ate you like dey do we! . . Wevvers bin a bit funny aint it, . . first it wer damm cawd, den it wer wet and windy, den mild, . . and den bleedin cawd agen! . . global warmin I spose. . . Yer , it’s lucky I left scawl yers ago aint it, . . . or I’d a bin reely fick like me bruvver . . . Bristaw leads da world yet agen. It yoosed ta be slavery, now it’s ‘Bunkin’ Off ‘. . . Yep! . .Da kids is bunkin’ off Scool an’ da Council Workers is bunkin’ off on Sick Leave.
George Dubya’s got Tony right wer ee wants un, runnin’ round sayin’, “Yes Massa, ‘ould you like I ta lick tother un now". . . I feels sorry for un reely, . . . Da Tories er givin ‘im ‘ell over Asylum Seekers an ‘is own lot er givin im ‘ell over da Firemen an’ sendin’ are boys ta War. . . . Ar Anty Lils bloke reccons dey’ll av ta sort Saddam out now so’s ees out da bleedin way if Norf Korea starts playin’ up later on.
No more Boom an Bust Gordon sed. . . but unless I’n Elvis Presleys love child, da stockmarkets bin givin’ a very good impression uv a Bungy Jumper oo mesured is rope wrong. . . Da way it’s goin’ aw are pensions is up da bleedin’ creek an weel aw be workin till weem pushin up daisys. . . Corse cept aw dey bleedin bunkin off Council workers.
Wot abowt dat poor littaw Victoria wot got done in by er Anty un Uncle. Aw dey social workers wot should uv saved er pleads dey wus aw over worked, . . So wot do dey do ? . . dey promotes um an’ gives um aw a bleedin pay rise. .You coun’t make it up !
Me bruvvers got a job wiv da ‘ighways awfority. . NO, NO, Ee wern’t in charge uv da gritting Lorries wen dey weren’t ready after being given a weeks notice dat snow an ice wer on da way! . . . Dey needed sum wun ta count cars usein’ da bus lanes. . . Ee turned up fer da interview wearin’ ‘is teashirt wiv tyre tracks up da back. . .Wen ee tawd um ‘ow a bloke drivin’ a Jeep wiv Bull Bars mistook un for a speed bump.(corse they don’t slow down fer speed bumps do um) dey tawd un ta start on Monday. . Ee ‘ates me ya know. . . Wen we wus kids ee yoosed ta use me toof brush ta clean ‘is Action Man. . Ee wanted a Barbie Doll reely. . . I even ad ta stop im puttin Jeffrey in a kilt ! (Ee aways cawd ‘im Jeffrey) . . An’ ee still wants ta be a Scowt Master ! . . Last time I saw ‘im ee wer still trying ta learn da ‘Moonwalk’. . .Ee finks Whacko Jacko is misunderstood . . .Ee finks everywun should have a friend ta go ta bed with, . . speshly at night !
Yer, tawkin abowt moonwalks . Dat wer a bad job wan’it, aw dey Astranauts. . . poor sods. . . Still dey reccons dere ull be loads more quein’ up ta go next time. . Seems like wot evers out dere, sumwun ull make sure we finds it. . Wot’s it dey caws it ?. .da last Fronteer. . . Dey should send Two Jags an Ken Livinston. . . Dey could bring us back a few Tardis. .Dat would sure solve da travel problems, . . . specially if dey never cum back !
Dey Frenchies invited Mcawber er Mugabe wot ever dey caws un, over fer tea and biscuits. . . Our wonderful ‘Yoropean Neighbours’, cosying up ta dat racist git. . . . Oo needs enemies wen wees got friends like aw dey. . .We an da Yanks saves um frum da German Jackboots, an’ first chance dey get dey stuffs us. . . . Any ‘ow it don’t matter no more. Gordon reccons we don’t need industry, we can aw live just by flyin round da world going on ‘oliday an livin on ar credit cards. Everyfing ull be aw right as long as we aw keeps spendin.
