December 2004
Copyright by Charles Henry
Ello evrybody, I spose dees fawt I’d died. . . No no nuffink so drastic. I lost me job dint I. Trade wernt much cop wot wiv dese new warden gits wot gets more wen dey makes dere quota. . . . Boss is gonna turn it inta a knockin shop er a greek cafe I fink. I still cums round yer fer a hour er two mose days. She don’t mind, I fink she’s still in luv wiv I, an’ so she uses me presance yer as a insentive fer er old man. You no, it makes un jellus!
Crismuss is nerly yer agen. It don’t ardly seem long since las yer. Can’t beleeve it ! Nuffink don’t reely change do it. . . ‘Olly, missaltoe, . . . tryin’ ta remember oo dees fergot ta send a card to las yer. Gettin’ da beer in is da bes bit. . . An I did fink abowt doin a bit uv carol singin’ agen, . . cept last time I tried it, I wer ‘af way frew ‘Wile sheperds wach dere flocks by nite, an’ some rotten git opened a upstairs window, chucked a bucket a wat’er over I, an tawd I ta bugger off ! Dat wernt very nice wer it!, . . speshly ut Crismus!
Yer its bin a queer time up Westminster lately an it. Da war’s bin goin badly fer Tony, da daft buggers dint make no plans fer after did dey. Mine you dere’s no ‘elpin sum peeple is dere. Dey dint find no WMD’s but dat don’t meen ee dint send um owt ta Iran do it. Any ow it’s to late now. I still can’t see ‘ow dey’d a dun it on der own, no ‘ow. Ar Anty Lil’s bloke reccons in a few yers time wen it aw settaws down, peeple a reelise twer da only way dey wus ever gonna get rid uv dat basket Sadam.
Yer wos fink abowt dey ID cards den ?. . .I aint ‘avin no bugger findin out my bruvvers a ‘alfwit or day’ll fink I’n wun annaw ! I can’t ‘elp it if ar muvvers first bloke buggered off afor dey ad I. . . Jest us well reely or I’d a bin us daft us ee ! . . . . Ee ‘ates me ya no. Wen we wus kids an we ad crackers. Ee used ta grab a bigger ‘andful wen we pulled ars. . nen wot ever dropped out on da floor eed av ferst pick, er eed tell ar muvver mine dint av nuffink! . . I must a lost ‘undreds ! . . . Wistles, dices, I even lost a plastic bike one yer! . . . . Wiv deese ID’S you ownt no oo da ell is checkin up on you. Could be da KGB wantin a forin body fer brain sergery er summat! . . . ‘Ows a blinking ID card gonna stop sum bugger robin’ a bank er blowin’ up parlament ? Wot dey gonna do ? . . fone da pleece an say “I’n gonna rob a bank tamorra,. . . joo wanna cum an see me Identaty Card? ” Anyow I reccon ol’ Blunkett ull be down da road any day. Ee even recconed Michael ‘Oward wer a bet’er ‘ome secretree dan ol Jacky Boy, da man a straw. Bit stupid biting da and wot feeds ee, speshly wen you can’t see wots on yer plate. . . Ee turned out ta be a bit uv a dark ‘orse dint ee! . . ah well see, sum uv us a jest god it ant we!
Well I’n off down da farmers market I fink, dey’ll probly give I a few ’seconds’ an nen tell I ta get on up da road. Dey don’t like no travlers ‘anging rownd to long, not dey. I’n ‘opin I cun find summut cheep fer me bruvver fer Crismus, a pigs trot’er er summut. Das da only trubble, I shull av ta see ee on Crismus day I spec.
“Errol, either do something useful or clear off!". . Yep I’d bet’er go.
Once again, IDENTITY CARDS are being presented as a Benign Accoutrement to Good Citizenship. The only people who have nothing to fear from Digitally-Recorded Identity Cards are the CRIMINALS. 
Anon; I thought that was worthy of Wordsworth or Thomas Gray, but I’ve cleaned up the last verse a little so it can be used in any election literature. . I hope you don’t mind.
It was Blair and Brown, and Mandelson,
The thieving bastard was only after my jewellery.”