January 2005
Copyright by Charles Henry
Criky ! . . Crismus soon went din it ! . . ‘Appy nu yer ! . Goes dam quick don’t it ! . I dint get nuffink werf avin any ow. Me bruvver giv I a pair a lilac socks ar anty Lil giv un lass yer ! . . da tite git. . . An I reccon eed wored um ! . Still I ad un diss yer dint I. I giv ee a Pirut DVD uv ‘Luv Aw arownd’, I got down da market. . . Dredful it wer ! . . Sownd wernt no good an it ad flashes an big bloches wer aw da good bits wus. . Ee still ‘ates me ya no . .Wen we wus kids ee tawd aw da gerls I wer infecshus wiv warts cos I kep frogs ! . An I only ad a few bleedin tadpaws dint I ! . . dass aw !
Dat ‘feed da werld‘ song wer No. 1 fer Crismus. Twernt no good, da first un wer bet’er. Diss lot aw sownded like a load a asbins I fawt. BBC’s goin frum bad ta werse. Now deys evin lost da Cricket ta SKY. Wot we aw gonna wach now ? . A load a repeets uv David Jasins ‘Darlin buds uv May’ an never endin’ ‘match a da bleedin day’. No fank you, I’d ravver watch a icicle melt.
Ol Blunkett went. I tawd ee so, an da ‘owse markit’s startin’ ta wobble. . . Bosses wife reccons dey ad a lousey Crismus trade annaw. Werser dan wen dey ad dat las reseshun. She still tells I ya no ! I fink she wonted sum udvice frum a cunsoomer. I tawd er, ar anty Lils bloke reccons intrest rates er cumin down again now, an ee awt ta no. Ees a consoomer. Ee consoomes ‘leest eight pints evry Saterday nite !
Dat tidal wave wer a bad job wernit. Makes ee glad deec lives sumwer like England don’t it. Trubble is tovver alf da werlds population ul wan an cum an liv yer now. . . I dunno abowt no tidal wave ! . .but we shull blinkin sink if we as ta av no mor yer ! . . My bruvver reccons it’ll appen over yer if wun uv dey big lumps a rock er metorites crashes inta da ‘lantic oeshun . . . . Joo reccon ees mad ? . . I reccon ees a bleedin loonatic !
Guvermunts beginnin ta panic abowt da huntin ban now. Da lection aint far off. Dey wonts ta make crimnals uv af da popalashun ! . . Deym aw mentaw ! . .Un av you notissed, dey aw keeps dere mouves shut abowt Yorup! Deym not sayin nuffink abowd it, nun of um, cos dey nos weel aw tel um ta shuv it wer da monkey shuvs ‘is nuts. Wot wiv dat an aw dese travlers givin two fingers ta da planners, an den bildin’ undreds a camps every ware. . . . Peeple ownt pay dere taxes. . un oo cun blame um ? . . . I ‘ouldn’t eever !
Mr ‘owards gonna scrap capitaw ganes tax ee reccons, but I’n mor wurrid abowt ow much ar anty Lil ull leev I wen she kicks it. . . . Er if da sods ull take it aw like dey do wen yoom livin’. (so dey tells I). . I wer ‘opin ta get ‘er gardin shed !
I wer finkin uv moovin on diss yer, trubble is, nun uv me frends ull no wer I’n too! . . I wus opin ta get da job as da doorman if dey opens it up us a ‘otel er a club. I yoosed ta elp me bruvver wen we wus da bowncers down da church ‘all on bingo nites. Sum a dey awder gits cant ‘alf cut up ruff sum nites ! No wurry, . . I kin look after meeself. . . Me an Clint Eestwood uv got alot in common ya no.
“Errol, you’ve been here over an hour. I told you before, either do something useful or clear off!". . Ay ay, yep shees off agen, I’d bedder go!
Brian Hughes of Cheltenham, the New Labour apologist is right. You only get what you pay for. OR NOT, depending upon which Party is in power. 
I find it very difficult to understand how some people seem to find that watching lions, tigers or hyenas slowly tormenting and then eating their prey alive, to be an acceptable form of family entertainment in a wildlife television program, but then start to get hysterical about hounds very swiftly disposing of a fox. 